17 October 2008

Six months later, she emerges.....

To say I have been on hiatus is a HUGE understatement. Life has a tendency to get in the way and this has been no different. It has been an eventful six months with both good and bad experiences.

Let's tackle the bad first....

My family experienced two losses of loved ones. The first was my Auntie D's hubby who passed away on June 22nd. Please keep her in your prayers as this has been a very difficult time.

The family's second loss was on September 18th. That is the day that Papa, my German's father, died peacefully in his sleep. Both deaths were completely unexpected and both have had huge impacts on loved ones. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to meet him when we went to Germany last year. To say my hubby was a wreck was an understatement. Thankfully we were able to get him to Germany in time for the funeral and to spend some time with his mother.

Also on the bad is I was laid off from my job on 8/25. Currently I am temping at a company that I would love to get on with full time. Right now the temp gig is going to run through the end of the year most likely. At least it pays the bills.

My well documented depression has gone into overdrive from the stress related above; however, the meds are doing what they are supposed to and keeping me on a somewhat even keel versus what could be full-blown, crawl under a rock and pray for death option. Of course I opt for being even keeled instead. It is much better compared to the curl up and suck your thumb version.

On the upside, my Mama's cancer is still 100% gone. Her last visit with the awesome Dr. Putnam of Vanderbilt went very well and he was very positive that she was clean. Her original diagnosis was two years. Well that was two years, seven months ago.... Her odds improve with each and every day of being a statistic for good, not evil and for that I am eternally grateful.

Also during my hiatus, mein Deustcher and I celebrated our second anniversary. There are times that it feels we have been married forever and other times that it is as if we just did so yesterday. I don't know what that means; however, that is the only way I can explain it. So sorry if it makes no sense because it makes sense to me.

There have been lessons learned during this time. My total lack of patience has been tested but somehow I made it through. My ADHD has been put through the ringer and I have still come out none the worse for wear; however, at the time I thought it would be the end of me.

During this time I have reflected on where I want to go and what I want to do as a person. I have worked on my marriage, my people skills, dealing with my depression and trying to learn to focus. Unfortunatly that does not always go as planned and for a while there I was shamelessly hooked on Pogo games. I still have very weak moments where I can play for hours and have nothing to show for it. But I have over 3 million tokens so it certainly is not a "total" waste...

So to all my blogging buddies, I am back. I have missed you. I have not had time to catch up on blogs as when I go on hiatus, I really go all out.

25 April 2008

Tweet...

I keep in touch with some fellow blogger friends through Twitter. I never knew the reach it could really have until I read this.

22 April 2008

Mental constipation

I have not been blogging as much as I would like to. That is not to say there have not been things happening which would make for good blog fodder, it is more along the lines that I am mentally constipated and can not seem to get any of the ideas out… Unfortunately there is not a Dulcolax for the brain, so in a manner of speaking, I have been shit outta luck…

If I can manage a brain dump (put most definitely intended) then I will back to entertain the three readers I have with my witty repartee and amazing story telling abilities (feel free to laugh).

However, something happened just two days ago that I felt compelled to share… It, of course, involves my German.

To say that mein Deutscher is bad with money is a gross understatement. His idea of checking the balance is to drive through ATM and see what it reads. That is the balance he goes by. Even if I explain that there is $700 but $600 will be out in bills all he sees is a $700 balance and thinks it is fine to hit the fast cash option of $100 bucks and be on his merry way. That, of course, wreaks havoc on our finances and leaves us with a negative balance and then money will have to be transferred from savings to take care of his faux pas. He is notorious for this. It has caused major disagreements between us. I have tried to explain it to him to no avail.

Fast forward to two days ago… My German was on a business trip in Florida. I told him he could take out $30 dollars for spending money. Of course all things such as his hotel, food and gas are covered, but in case he wanted a beer, he needed a little pocket money. So yesterday as I check the online balance, I see he saw fit to take out $60 instead of the $30 I allotted for him. Being the miserly wife that I am I called him in Florida to see what the deal was…. He said the ATM did not give him an option for $30 so he took $60 instead. I calmly asked why he did not type in a dollar amount and he could not give me a good answer. He spent $5 to get a pack of smokes (yes, I know we need to quit, but that is not the point here). The rest of the cash (2 twenties, a ten and a five) were tucked under the garage door opener clipped to the visor. Well my German decided since it was such a lovely day, he would cruise around with the windows open….

Let me tell you that lightweight cash versus the wind of two open windows in a Ford F250 going 70 down the highway will always loose…. Yes, the 2 twenties went flying out the window….

My husband LITERALLY threw money out the window!!

He’s lucky I love him so….

18 April 2008

I feel the earth move under my feet...

I woke up at 4:37 this morning thinking that Scout is either scratching to beat the band and her collar is jingling or that she is on the dresser about to play a game of whap off the knick-knacks... Then I realized that she was curled up next to me and was as bewildered as I was. That is when it hit me… Earthquake!!

A few seconds later the miniature enamel teapots that I collect were dancing across my dresser once again. My bed vibrated along with it and I did not even have to put in a quarter!

Once I got over the initial shock (pun intended) I did manage to fall back asleep.

When the alarm went off I turned on the news. I learned the epicenter was near Evansville, Indiana which is about 150 miles away and that the quake was at 4:36. Guess it took it a moment to get to me.

15 April 2008

Whining...

The building I work in has ten floors. It just happens I work on the 6th floor. My company is spread out amongst four of them. Therefore, I spend a lot of time riding an elevator. There are large windows in the elevators where you can look out and watch traffic or pedestrians go by. I call it “elevator TV” but that is not what this is about. This is about a pet peeve of mine….

Just because we are in the same elevator does not mean we have to talk!

I am so happy to get that off of my chest. Now I can go about my day.

08 April 2008

They don't call it the "big muddy" for nothin!

Behold the mighty Mississippi river and the power that Mother Nature has… These photos are from earlier today.

This is my satellite office in Louisiana along the banks of the river. I just paid a visit there on March 25th long before the flooding began. The sand bags you see were being put in place then in anticipation of the water levels.

Here is a view of the river from the parking lot... Please note the signs for reserved parking are almost submerged. The employees are parking about a 1/4th of a mile away and walking down. Then they are towed into the area in a little boat on a tow line. You have to watch out for the water moccasins!! No, I am not kidding...



Here is a large truck going thru the parking lot. Toward the bottom of the photo is the Mississippi breaching the banks.



Another view... This time from a top a barge on the river. The almost completely submerged bridge used to be what lead you onto the barge floating there.



Here are the offices my co-workers are in. As I type this, they are evacuating them because the river has yet to crest and they are expecting another couple of feet.



Here is a view of the offices from aboard the barge. That is the Mississippi creeping up on them only held off by a few sand bags....



And you thought you were having a bad day......

03 April 2008

42 years in the making....

I sit here today pondering my 42 years on this planet. Yes, today is my birthday. I was born on April 3, 1966. It was a Palm Sunday in San Antonio, Texas where I made my debut. Believe it or not I had enough hair to pull up when I finally decided to enter the world.

I am an only child. I know, I know, there are so many clich├ęs that go with that title. Yes, I am a tad bit spoiled even in my 40s. Don’t be hating on me because of it. I try not to ask for many things; however, my parents are very generous and I am very blessed. In all honesty, if the Lord asked me to pick any two people in the world to be my parents, I would have selected them. They are loving, loyal, compassionate, faithful, honest, caring people. I could use a thousand more positive things to describe them; however, I won’t. It would take pages to describe what good souls they both are and continue to be.

I have a multitude of first cousins. I am close to some but not all of them. It is a large generation gap in that some of my first cousins are actually older than my father. Kinda weirds me out when I think about it…. My paternal grandmother had her first child in 1915 and my Daddy, who is the baby, came along in 1939. Kinda all spread out… My maternal grandmother (Nana) gave birth to five children. My Mama is the middle child. They are a little spread out in that my youngest Aunt (Auntie D) is 11 years younger than Mama and 11 years older than me. She is like my big sister. I am grateful for her and love her tremendously.

Over the course of my 42 years I have learned many life lessons. Lessons that I would like to share with you now. So without further adieu let’s get started, shall we?

Do not under any circumstances define yourself by who you are in a relationship with at all! There was a time that people only knew me as Mrs. (name of first husband here) and did not actually know my name. It bothered me but not enough to speak up. Now I know better. I am not Mrs. or Frau (Mein Deutscher). I am Klinde, but you all know that’s not my real name but I digress…

Do not let people take advantage of you. Too many times I was burned because I would allow people to walk all over me. I was too intimidated to speak up for fear they would no longer like. I had the mad desire to please everyone all the time and would let people run me over. Now I speak up and make my voice heard and if someone disagrees or doesn’t want to be around me because of it, so be it. At least I got it off of my chest and I can not sit and sulk or worry over it.

Learn to handle money. I was a victim of credit abuse. I loved the instant purchasing power that Visa gave me. I fell into debt that was in the five figure category. Thanks to my gracious parents, they bailed me out, not once, not twice, but three times. I no longer have any type of credit card because I know I can not control myself with them. If I can’t pay for it with cash, then I can’t have it, plain and simple. No, I did not learn this from Dave Ramsey, I did this on my own because I know how I am.

You have no biological children, so what? Yes, I know that a big dream of mine was to have a bunch of rug rats. God had a different plan for me. I do not understand it; however, I do accept it because He knows better than I. The caveat is that I hate not giving my parents a grandchild because that was always a dream of theirs. My bloodline ends with me. It is a depressing thought but one that I will live with gracefully. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally in love with my seven year old step son, but wanted one of my very own. I think most women feel that need to be a mom but it just wasn’t in the cards for me.

I have a very addictive personality. Admittedly so, and I am still a work in progress on this one. There are many hurdles. When I say addictive it does not refer to drugs and alcohol, but a multitude of sins. My current addiction is playing games online. Past addictions have included cross-stitching, pottery, UT football, needlepoint, and decorating just to name a few…

So after 42 years I would like to say I have learned a little something about this thing we call life. Hopefully there will be more valuable lessons learned as I venture on my path.

24 March 2008

Things that make you go "hmmm".....

There are things that you read that make emotions well up inside you and make you pause and think. I am a step-mom. I am physically unable to have children. I always wanted to be a mother but God had a different plan for me and while I do not understand it I do accept the path He laid before me.

Right now I have quite a few friends that are pregnant as well as my sister-in-law. Seems these things always happen in groups just like all the weddings I will be attending this summer.

With that being said, I read this I wondered what I would do in a similar situation? How do you live knowing that the newly created life you carry will end almost as soon as it begins? Being Catholic I was raised to believe abortion is murder; however, there are some parts of Catholic doctrine that I do not fully agree with (but that is a post for a different day). This just made me sad and made me hurt for the poor families; however, I respect the hell out of their decision if that is what was best for them. Who am I to judge what is the most healing for them?

It was just something that made me think....

21 March 2008

A meme on Good Friday

Before I begin my little meme, I wanted to take a moment and wish all three of my readers a very joyous Easter. This is my favorite holiday and I am looking forward to spending it with my family.

Without further adieu, here we go…

Here is how it works:

You take each line and replace it with a single word of your choosing. Yes, just one word!!

Afterward, tag seven folks...

You're feeling: tired
To your left: telephone
On your mind: finances
Last meal included: rice
You sometimes find it hard to: sleep
The weather: nice
Something you have a collections of: shoes
A smell that cheers you up: coffee
A smell that can ruin your mood: garbage
How long since you last shaved: days
The current state of your hair: curly
The largest item on your desk right now (besides computer): scanner
Your skill with chopsticks: decent
Which section you head to first in the bookstore: classics
And after that?: fiction
Something you are craving: seafood
Your general thoughts on the presidential race: scary
How many times have you been hospitalized this year: nada
A favorite place to go for quiet time: tub
You've always secretly thought you'd be a good: teacher
Something that freaks you out a little: cockroaches
Something you've eaten too much of lately: Chinese
You have never: kayaked
You never want to: bungee

I am tagging the following:

Newscoma
Ginger
Megan
Linda
Saucygrrl
Ron
Jag

19 March 2008

Same time last year....

At this time last year I had the good fortune to go to Hamburg, Germany to finally meet my husband’s parents. It is still hard for me to believe it has been a year since our adventure. I was waxing nostalgic and decided to give you a little tour of what we did while we were there. Enjoy…


This is my in-law's home. It is quaint and cozy. It is not the home my German grew up in; however, it is on the same road.



Prosit! This is my German and me toasting. We are at a nice restaurant we found on a side trip to Berlin. Excellent food, excellent bier and excellent company as Ambie and the Chef joined us on this excursion.



While in Berlin we did A LOT of walking and "touristy" things... Here I am touching part of what is left of the wall. It was electric to me to touch such a thing...



This is my favorite photo of the entire trip. It is of Brandenburger Tor otherwise known as the Brandenburg Gate.



This is my German and me. This is from St. Patty's day. We are enjoying Celtic music, wonderful food and incredible bier.



This is just a lovely building in Bergedorf. Bergedorf is a suburb of Hamburg and is the largest area near the village my German was raised in.



Here I am catching a little lip action with my German. We are about to enter a courtyard of a castle in Bergedorf. If you click here you will see a bit more about Bergedorf and the Schloss Bergedorf where the photo was taken.



This is my German and I on our last full day in Germany. Unbeknownst to us, my mother-in-law arranged for us as well as Ambie and the Chef to have our wedding vows renewed. She did this in part because she was unable to attend either of our weddings.



Two or three times a year, there is a huge carnival in Hamburg. There are rides, souvenier stands and scrumptious goodies (not to mention bier, gluhwein and many other tasty libations). The food at this is nothing like carnival food here.... No corn dogs and funnel cakes... Instead there are brats, potatoes, yummy pork, crepes, and too many other things to mention for fear of my waistline expanding.



This is a Hummel, the water carrier. These guys are all over the place and we photographed ourselves with as many as we saw. When you see him, you are supposed to say "Hummel, Hummel" and he would reply "Mors, Mors".



Here we are kicking back in an eis cafe (ice cream parlor). We are sitting in a spot where a photo was taken of the arcade style of this shopping center. The photo I am speaking of is in a book about Hamburg that my German brought with him when he moved to the U.S. eleven years ago. I would look at the photo and say "I want to go there". So he brought me



This is the inside of a beautiful church in Bergedorf. Schwester, my German's baby sister, actually got married in this place!! It was built in the 1400's... Awesome!



There was a rule about food whilst in Germany. Thank goodness I am an adventurous eater or I would have been shit outta luck.... This is me kissing the head of a smoked eel. That was the tastiest thing I had while I was there (except for bier, duh!). I am kissing it to thank it for giving the ultimate sacrifice for my dining pleasure. I won't go into detail about the couple of things I would never eat again because it will just make me gag. Suffice it to say, they were quite nasty and I would be fine to never have them again.



My trip down memory lane is complete. Thanks for tagging along!

17 March 2008

Happy St. Patty's Day!!

This year I will be celebrating by going to work, coming home and either watching a little TV or playing games on the lap top. However, last year I was in Hamburg for St. Patty’s. We started the day off at 6:00a at the Fischmarkt. This is a huge weekly event every Sunday at the Hamburg harbour. Here is a photo of the Fischmarkt main hall. There are several food booths. There are people either still drinking beer or starting their day with beer… There is music… The song that sticks out for me is “Time Warp” from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. Even though I was tired, I did the dance (and no, I was not drinking…. Yet…..)




The drinking happened later in the evening when we went to a restaurant in an old water tower. We listened to Celtic music and imbibed... Here I am with the German's baby sister toasting a little St. Patty's day cheer...



So today's celebration pales in comparison... But it is all good!

15 March 2008

WTF?????

So my German is working a show for his company. It is a huge show that has over 1500 vendors and he is in charge of the crew for his company. He has been working 12-16hour days for the past three weeks without a day off. He is exhausted but happy as he is a work horse and thrives under that type of situation. His work ethic is phenomenal to say the very least. The company mein Deutscher works for is, ironically, a German based company (go figure). He is employed by the North American headquarters. The home office is located close to the Frankfurt/Cologne area.

With that being said, he was approached by someone from the German-based operations regarding what he is doing here in the good ole U.S. of A. That person wants him to consider doing the same thing for the international company. Did I mention that this would probably base him out of the Frankfurt office???

Gentle reader, if you have been following me for any length of time you know that I attempted German lessons and failed miserably. I have no aptitude for the Germanic language. I perpetually sound as though I have a hair ball when trying to enunciate the few words I know. How in the hell would I be able to live in country where I can not speak the language? Furthermore, how would I survive being seven time zones away from my parents? Hell, I am only seven miles away from them right now and that is fine by me. I don't know what I would do to have that much distance between us. I am an only child and have an incredible relationship with them. Their health has been an issue for the past couple of years and I do not think I could handle being separated from them by the Atlantic.

I am at a loss. I am confused and frightened by the entire prospect. It is a huge compliment to my husband that the efforts he puts forth have been recognized on a very high level. I appreciate that and love him all the more for it. However, what about me?! I love visiting Germany but to live there? I am making lists of pros and cons. I am thinking. I spent an hour with Daddy this morning discussing this. I am praying. Lord knows I need His divine guidance.

14 March 2008

Back in the saddle again....

I survived week one of back to work after all the time off with mono. I can tell you one thing though; it certainly was a L – O – N – G week!!!! It was quite the rude awakening when the alarm would buzz at 5:45a (pun intended). Thankfully I get off from work at 4:00 so I could get home at a decent hour and prepare for the next day. It also gave me some quality time with the oh, so neglected kitty. It was weird to be sitting at a desk and not have her curled up in a ball on my lap. I quickly got used to that constant companionship while I was home. She was a good nurse maid.

My biggest issue in my absence was with the temp who was at my desk. By all accounts she is a very nice person; however, she did a little rearranging of my desk that disturbed me. She did wash my water glass and coffee cup which was kind; however, I am still looking for my German dictionary.... Gives me something to do I guess....

I miss being home in some ways though I am grateful to be back in the saddle and interacting with other human beings. One of the things I miss the most is sitting at the lap top playing Bejeweled 2. It got to be such a bad addiction that I would even hear the music in my head when not playing... Very sad indeed...

One week down, many more to follow.... The mortgage ain't gonna pay itself!

09 March 2008

I wish I could have....

In no particular order, here are some things I wish I could have done while being out of work with mono...

1. Pedicure
2. Hair cut & color
3. Cleaned the bathroom
4. Give Scout a bath
5. Organize the desk
6. Study my German lessons
7. Organized my DVD collection

But alas, I was too damned tired to do any of it!

08 March 2008

Nervous Nellie

I am getting nervous... For the first time since February 19th I am going back to work on Monday. I still have mono but it is much less than it was. I am still tired but not as badly as I was before.

I am not nervous about actually working. What I am worried about is getting over-tired and having to depend upon my parents for too much... Like food, laundry and cleaning the house. I mean I am less than a month away from turning 42 and having to have my parents help with some basic needs is a bit embarrassing.

I am looking forward to returning to the office and having some interaction with other living beings besides Scout... No offense to her but you know what I mean. It will be a bit strange sitting at a computer and not having her beached on my lap. She is a good lap warmer to say the least. However, I have only been out of the house a few times since the 19th. Three trips to see the doctor, one time to get cat litter and one outing for cat food. Other than that I have relied on my parents to do anything else I need.

Wish me luck...

04 March 2008

Klutzy Klinde

As you may recall my adventures of woman vs. toilet I am a klutz. Total klutz! I once tripped over a painted line, seriously!

I have had another run in, this time it was not with my head against the toilet, thankfully. This time I got my ass kicked by a cardboard box! No, I am not kidding. I was getting ready for bed and reached to turn off the lamp by the desk. I lost my footing and came down hard while creating a 4.5 inch gash directly above my left hip bone. You know how much a papercut can hurt? Well try to imagine what the corner of a damned box is like! It is at such an angle that I can not photograph it myself. It is so bad that I am bruised to boot.

I am pitiful.

29 February 2008

Lessons learned - NOT!

I have a bad habit... A really bad habit... I have the tendency to not think before speaking or twittering. After 41 years, you would think I would have learned, but no.... I come by it naturally, women in my family have done the same. Today I would like to share a few of these with you.

Example one, we play this stupid game as a family... Here's how it goes... You pick real words that end in the letter O and you make up a question about it as if it were one of the Marx brothers (Groucho, not Karl). Like what three Marx brothers are chips? Dorito, Tostito and Frito... Get it? I thought you would. Well Mama, Nana and I were sitting in Hobby airport to fly back to Nashville. Mama asked me what Marx brother was a "toy" and I said "Dildo". Nana looks at me and asks what a dildo is.. I begin to snort as does my mother. I don't answer and my mother doesn't either. This does not bode well with my nana. She asks again... Now I have tears rolling down my face and I have almost fallen off my chair. Don't get me wrong, it pleases me that a woman in her eighties does not know what a dildo is, truly it does. Well my grandmother is getting more upset that we are cackling and snorting so she stands up and loudly asks us (using both mine and Mama's first and middle names to really make her point) "what is a dildo"? Unfortunately, she had raised her voice and everyone around us went completely silent. I actually did fall off of the chair and then quietly told Nana what it was... Everyone was still staring at us... My grandmother turned to me and said "who the hell would want one of those"? Fortunately it was then time to board the plane and our fellow passengers broke out into applause.

Example two, I was at the doctor's office with my mother when the doctor came in my purse started buzzing. I casually told Mama to get the vibrator out for me... My mother did not bat an eye and reached into my bag knowing exactly what I meant... And what I really meant was to get my vibrating cell phone. I turned crimson and the doctor had to leave the room to regain her composure.

I promise example three is not about sex toys...

Example three, I was on the phone at the doctors office talking to HR about my leave of absence. I told her that I needed the insurance info so I could get my STD taken care of... What I meant (and HR knew too) was short-term disability for my being out with mono. Unfortunately everyone in my doc's office now thinks I have syphillis.

Me and my big mouth.

25 February 2008

Auntie D's hubby

I just got off of the phone with my mom and found out my uncle has lesions on his brain and they are looking for the primary source of cancer as I type this because the lesions mean it has metastasized from another location. He is only 51 or 52 and my Auntie D (Mama's baby sis) is a mess. When I feel a bit better my mom will probably leave for Austin to help her and her family because Aunti D is having a really hard time and she is closest to my mother than her other siblings.

Certainly makes my mono pale in comparison.

I am really upset by it because Auntie D and I are very close. She is like a big sis to me because we are only 11 years apart.

Auntie D's hubby has a sis studying to be an oncologist. She is on her way to Austin to help them and ask/answer questions and say it in ways that they understand. That ought to help her out tremendously.

When it rains, it pours...

22 February 2008

Finally some good news!!

Since it has been such a "woe is me" blog as of late with news of my depression and my mono, it is wonderful to report there is happy news for my family... Very happy!

I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT AGAIN!!!!!!!!

Yes, you heard me right! I called the chef on the 20th as it was his 43rd birthday. The chef is Mein Deustcher's little brother. The chef told me that Ambie is 2 months preggers!! I am so excited!!! I am so happy for them because I know this is something they have both wanted!

Yay!!!

20 February 2008

It's my mono and I'll nap if I want to....

Guess who only made it back to work for 2 whole days before crashing and burning??!?!!? If you guessed Klinde, you win! I am going back out until at least the 29th of February. I am one sick puppy.

Just thought you all would like to know. Carry on!

14 February 2008

Happy Valentine's Day!!


To my husband whom I love with my whole heart...

I wish you a happy Valentine's day my love. I pray that you and I will grow old together and be even more in love than we are now.

You have my heart and I love you dearly and completely. I thank God you are mine.

12 February 2008

Me again...

I have been home with mono since the 6th. The doc wrote me out until the 18th when I can return to work. I am only sleeping about 16 hours a day which is not the 22 hours my cat recommends.


Life will improve I am sure...

05 February 2008

And the winner is......

Like my buddies Ivy, Ginger and Coma, I pushed the button for Barack. If you want to know why, click here and watch to be inspired.

If you have not gone out yet, please do so! Anyone in line by 7:00p local time will get to cast their vote. I was in and out in 29 minutes. Not that I was counting or anything...

04 February 2008

Sicky poo

Seems I like I am always blogging about being sick or depressed or something that always is a downer. I can't believe I have contracted mono for a third time at 41 years old!! I am wiped out.... And believe me, that is an understatement! I slept about 35 hours this weekend. I am still going to work. I can barely keep my eyes open now and it is only 7:30. I am trying to stay awake to watch my favorite show but it does not come on until 9:00 so I may not make it. I am a dud.

Truly, I have become my cat. Only I am getting a mere 10 hours of sleep a day.

The poor German is relegated to all household duties. Cooking, cleaning, doing my bidding. I try not to take advantage; however, I am so freaking tired that I can barely manuever the stairs after an 8.5 hour day at work. Thankfully my boss is understanding and suggested (as did the doc) that I take a week or two off to recover properly. That is not my style. I need to go to work and do my job.

I feel like I have been given a megadose of phenergan after taking a handful of Tylenol PM chased by a glass full of vodka. That is how tired I feel.

I tend to get bleary-eyed just walking around. Supposedly I should begin to feel better in 2 - 6 weeks. Look out, come Easter I should be raring to go.

I really should not complain, it could be so much worse. But you know how that goes... Whatever is wrong with you at the time seems like the worse thing ever. Right now I just want to curl up and sleep until March. That might make it all better.

31 January 2008

"Kissing disease"

It is official…. I have mono. It is my third time around with it the first being when I was in fifth grade, the second back in 2003 and now. I have been utterly exhausted for weeks. I chalked it up to stress and depression never thinking it could be a recurrence of mono. Then something struck me when I was at the doctor’s office on Monday…. Maybe it is mono that is zapping me of all energy and leaving me yearning to do nothing more than snooze.

I remember being tired the other two times. I remember barely being able to crawl out of bed. I slept about 18 hours a day. I became my cat.

I worry about this bout because the last time I had mono I packed on about 10 pounds due to lack of any form of exercise. Sleeping does not burn many calories nor does lying on the couch channel surfing. I have worked hard to loose almost fifty pounds over the past two years. I did not gain it overnight so why expect to loose it quickly.

Bottom line, if you see me with my head on the table, don’t bother waking me up. I am too damned tired to care.

29 January 2008

Woe is me..

It is just another day in paradise here. I finally have moved along from the depression that was the centerpiece of my existence only to get physcially ill. I carry my stress around quite literally and it often manifests itself into an illness of sorts. I have had my IBS kick in for the past 10 days am now dehydrated and had to call in sick from work today. I have the shakes. I have been in bed since last night around 10:00p. I got up at 3:30 because I know it is the only way I will be able to sleep through the night tonight.

I went to the doctor yesterday to get things checked out. I was referred to a gastro doc and can not been seen until Monday. I am fairly certain there is another colonoscopy in my future. I dread that... Not so much the procedure as the prep. It is horrific and nauseating.

I was also tested for mono. You see I carry the Epstein Barr virus and am prone to mono. I last was full-blown with mono in 2003. I was not contagious (which is strange) and I was off of work for six weeks and slept as much as my my kitty does. It was not a fun time, let me tell you.

I truly hate that my blogging has turned to negative things for this time. I need an outlet to vent. I am sorry my few readers are suffering along with what is wrong with Klinde today. I a praying it gets better.

23 January 2008

A journey begins with the first step

When I wallow in my depression I tend to do serious thinking as well. I try focusing on the positive aspects of my life and not dwell in the negatives. It can be difficult but the effort eventually pays off with a bit of respite from the doom and gloom I am mired in. With that being said I have been thinking about my spirituality and my faith.

I was born and raised Catholic. When I do manage to attend, I am still Catholic. My parents and Nana are all practicing Catholics. The German was born and raised Catholic as well. That makes for an easier piece in our marriage as we have very similar beliefs and were raised in the same faith.

Lately I have been putting my spiritual self to the side. I have not been feeding it as it should be. I have not protected it nor sheltered it. I have let it drift. I believe that there are three parts to each of us that must be maintained: Spiritual, mental and physical. I am working on both the mental and physical aspects by trying to get a handle on my depression and by loosing almost fifty pounds in the past two years. I am proud of the weight loss. It was a long process as I did not gain that much overnight; therefore, I should not expect to loose it instantly. However, that is now what this is about… As usual, I digress.

I realize that my journey is not on the correct path. That I have slipped from where I need to be in my walk with God is an understatement. I have not spent the time in prayer and meditation that I used to. I have not been speaking to God about blessings. It has merely been all about me and what He can do for me. There is no other way to put it… I have been a selfish Christian.

I do not like the hollow feeling that gives me. I worry about getting back on track and living what I believe not just thinking about it. I miss the high I get from feeling at one with God after prayer. I miss going to church. That is something the German and I agreed we would do as husband and wife and it has been over a year since either of us set foot in Cathedral. I worry about both of us spiritually. Yes, we say blessings together before meals. Yes, we pray together about certain things but mostly our faith is our own personal belonging.

I need to refocus and redirect my life back onto my spiritual path and back to the Lord. I need to rededicate my life to Him. I know in my heart if I do so all the other things which are overwhelming now will become trivial if I have the courage and faith to put them into His hands. I need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

22 January 2008

It is not just about me

Sometimes all it takes is a little perspective. A little jolt to realize that when you think you have it bad, you really do not at all.

On my drive in to the office yesterday morning I was having a pity party for one. I was down and letting the blues get the better of me. I was channel surfing the airwaves as well trying to find a morning show that did not bug the crap out of me. I rolled over to 1510AM (not my typical stop) and I heard the following story about how the DJ lost his son in a tragic drowning accident at home. The child was only two and a half...

Suddenly my problems were miniscule. To be frank, I do not even remember what it was that triggered my doldrums. My prayers instead focus to the positives in my life and to the family that suffered such a tragic, horrific loss.

My cup runneth over.

14 January 2008

Mixed Signals

I have to bitch about something. This *drives* me insane… It is the fact that people ignore a groovy little device in their vehicle. You see, there is a contraption on the left side of the steering column called the turn signal…. Use it! Remember to turn it off after using it. It is a simple thing but it would save so much grief in my little universe.

Oh, another thing that bugs the hell out of me? Those drivers who can not seem to figure out the difference between yield and merge. C’mon now, yielding means that you yield to traffic while the all-important merge means you go with the flow and actually work your way into the moving cars around you. It ain’t rocket science…. But to some of you out there it must be…

Also, if you are coming from 40 east headed onto 440 west, quit zooming down the left lane until the last possible moment and then cutting people off by crossing the striped lines. When I honk at you it is because cutting me off is wrong… Illegal and dangerous. It does not give you the right to flip me off because you are the jack-ass who did not manage to get into the proper lane. You are not that important. We all have lives and places to be. I would like to get to my destination without having a wreck or a tension headache from clenching every muscle in my body for fear of hitting you or being hit.

*Jumping off of soap box*

Thank you for your attention in these very important matters.

08 January 2008

Christmas is over

I never intended to take this long of a break. Life has a habit of getting in the way. Not to mention the whirlwind of emotions which overwhelm me during the Christmas season. The depression took hold with grip like a falcon’s talons. It dug its mighty claws into me and would not release. Faith and prayer is what it took to survive until January 2nd for the season to be at an end and for a semblance of normalcy to return. Not that I had a bad season, on the contrary, it was okay except for the massive dips in emotion. Unless you experience it, it is difficult to explain that there is beauty and good amongst the ugly and bad. That is what keeps you sane even if only dangling by a thread.

That; however, is not what this is about. This is about the positive aspects that come out of living through the darkness. It is the tidbits of joy that you find that help you to focus and hold on. It is experiencing truly beautiful moments with family that you cling to and file away for another time to relive over and over again. It is time with friends that you hold dear to your heart and that you toast with a bit of Christmas cheer. It is the laughter of children as they revel in delight with what the season has to offer. These moments, sometimes a mere glimpse, are what you need to make each day a bit brighter through the harshness of depression and waning emotion.

Perseverance is crucial. Your very foundation can be rocked without it and without the assistance of those you love and surround yourself with each day. I am eternally blessed with loving, beautiful people who try to help me when despair takes over and I start drowning in a sea of emotion. My amazing husband is learning tactics to help me when I am overwrought. My equally amazing mother has been trying to coach him as to how to best handle the situation and help me wade through my depression. Without them both I would be lost. I would cave in and be curled up in a ball in a dark place.

Through the bad I saw the good. For that I am grateful and I give thanks.