I have a bad habit... A really bad habit... I have the tendency to not think before speaking or twittering. After 41 years, you would think I would have learned, but no.... I come by it naturally, women in my family have done the same. Today I would like to share a few of these with you.
Example one, we play this stupid game as a family... Here's how it goes... You pick real words that end in the letter O and you make up a question about it as if it were one of the Marx brothers (Groucho, not Karl). Like what three Marx brothers are chips? Dorito, Tostito and Frito... Get it? I thought you would. Well Mama, Nana and I were sitting in Hobby airport to fly back to Nashville. Mama asked me what Marx brother was a "toy" and I said "Dildo". Nana looks at me and asks what a dildo is.. I begin to snort as does my mother. I don't answer and my mother doesn't either. This does not bode well with my nana. She asks again... Now I have tears rolling down my face and I have almost fallen off my chair. Don't get me wrong, it pleases me that a woman in her eighties does not know what a dildo is, truly it does. Well my grandmother is getting more upset that we are cackling and snorting so she stands up and loudly asks us (using both mine and Mama's first and middle names to really make her point) "what is a dildo"? Unfortunately, she had raised her voice and everyone around us went completely silent. I actually did fall off of the chair and then quietly told Nana what it was... Everyone was still staring at us... My grandmother turned to me and said "who the hell would want one of those"? Fortunately it was then time to board the plane and our fellow passengers broke out into applause.
Example two, I was at the doctor's office with my mother when the doctor came in my purse started buzzing. I casually told Mama to get the vibrator out for me... My mother did not bat an eye and reached into my bag knowing exactly what I meant... And what I really meant was to get my vibrating cell phone. I turned crimson and the doctor had to leave the room to regain her composure.
I promise example three is not about sex toys...
Example three, I was on the phone at the doctors office talking to HR about my leave of absence. I told her that I needed the insurance info so I could get my STD taken care of... What I meant (and HR knew too) was short-term disability for my being out with mono. Unfortunately everyone in my doc's office now thinks I have syphillis.
Me and my big mouth.