My last hiatus is my previous post. To say that my life has been tumultuous is a vast understatement. As previously posted, I was laid off on 8/25. Am I gainfully employed yet? Uh, no.... There have been offers that I declined for various reasons, not a good fit, the salary was completely unacceptable, etc, etc.... Hindsight can be a bitch and I wonder if I was mistaken in not taking something but I go forward. I have a second and third interview next week that completely excite me. In all honesty it is the first opportunity that excites me and that I actually want! I won't go into detail; however, if you are the praying type, I would appreciate it; otherwise, positive vibes are also accepted.
My depression has run rampant. Unfortunately my lack of a decent paycheck has caused a budget short fall on the homefront. Cuts were made and my script for anti-depressants was a victim. Somehow electricity and food won. Crazy, huh? Pun DEFINITELY intended....
To say we are struggling financially is an understatement. I have barrelled through two 401k accounts to avoid foreclosure. That is not an option. But I am scraping the bottom. March's mortgage is in the bag, it is April that I dread. Plus I learned from taking out the 401k accounts we actually OWE the government close to $1k. It will work itself out somehow. I have faith in the Lord above. Even if I have to wait tables at the local IHOP to make it, I will do what I have to do. I am not too proud to keep us afloat. I will be 43 on 4/3 and the last thing I want to do is move back in with my parents. Not that they have the room for us anyway, Daddy would have to give up his computer room... And I am certain they do not want three more tenants because the kitty is a non-negotiable roomie as well.
As if there is not enough rain on my parade Mama has had a recurrence. She has a new spot on what is left of her left lung. It is resting on her pulmonary artery. She had a biopsy in January. There were complications a few days later which resulted in a four day stint at Vandy. They only told me about it because a friend of theirs convinced them to. They did not want to worry me. Like I don't worry about the beast each and every day coming back and claiming my mother. WTF? To top it off, there is a pinpoint spot on her right lung as well. She outlived her original diagnosis by almost a year now. The spot on the left is inoperable and she is not a candidate for radiation. Both are due to the scarring from the previous surgery and radiation. Three passes were attempted to accurately biopsy the spot to no avail. Since it is wrapped around the pulmonary artery it was far too risky to try further. She developed a pulmonary pneumothorax. She looked like Quasimodo. Medical students and interns alike all looked at the wonder of her fist sized hump. Sheesh. My mother lived a "Grey's Anatomy" moment without a single visit from McDreamy. The course of treatment is "wait and see". Did I ever mention that I am completely inpatient? My attention span can last anywhere from one to sixty seconds barring anything shiny being dangled in front of me.
Gentle reader, there is a positive in all of this.... on 9/7/08, Ambie and the chef welcomed their first child, my niece, Ela. She is beautiful, healthy, and completely adorable. The German is visiting them as I type this as he is traveling on business and made a short detour to meet the newest addition to the family. He has smothered her in kisses and refuses to give her to either parent. As gruff as my German can be, he is a total sucker for babies and children adore him. I would have loved to have made the trip with him but the seeking of employment is an impediment. I know the chef and Ambie understand and Ela is too young to know the difference. But I want to be part of her life and will!
So, that is all the news fit to print. I have missed you Bloggyland. I have renewed my Visa and plan to visit more often.
Showing posts with label Daddy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daddy. Show all posts
27 February 2009
03 April 2008
42 years in the making....
I sit here today pondering my 42 years on this planet. Yes, today is my birthday. I was born on April 3, 1966. It was a Palm Sunday in San Antonio, Texas where I made my debut. Believe it or not I had enough hair to pull up when I finally decided to enter the world.
I am an only child. I know, I know, there are so many clichés that go with that title. Yes, I am a tad bit spoiled even in my 40s. Don’t be hating on me because of it. I try not to ask for many things; however, my parents are very generous and I am very blessed. In all honesty, if the Lord asked me to pick any two people in the world to be my parents, I would have selected them. They are loving, loyal, compassionate, faithful, honest, caring people. I could use a thousand more positive things to describe them; however, I won’t. It would take pages to describe what good souls they both are and continue to be.
I have a multitude of first cousins. I am close to some but not all of them. It is a large generation gap in that some of my first cousins are actually older than my father. Kinda weirds me out when I think about it…. My paternal grandmother had her first child in 1915 and my Daddy, who is the baby, came along in 1939. Kinda all spread out… My maternal grandmother (Nana) gave birth to five children. My Mama is the middle child. They are a little spread out in that my youngest Aunt (Auntie D) is 11 years younger than Mama and 11 years older than me. She is like my big sister. I am grateful for her and love her tremendously.
Over the course of my 42 years I have learned many life lessons. Lessons that I would like to share with you now. So without further adieu let’s get started, shall we?
Do not under any circumstances define yourself by who you are in a relationship with at all! There was a time that people only knew me as Mrs. (name of first husband here) and did not actually know my name. It bothered me but not enough to speak up. Now I know better. I am not Mrs. or Frau (Mein Deutscher). I am Klinde, but you all know that’s not my real name but I digress…
Do not let people take advantage of you. Too many times I was burned because I would allow people to walk all over me. I was too intimidated to speak up for fear they would no longer like. I had the mad desire to please everyone all the time and would let people run me over. Now I speak up and make my voice heard and if someone disagrees or doesn’t want to be around me because of it, so be it. At least I got it off of my chest and I can not sit and sulk or worry over it.
Learn to handle money. I was a victim of credit abuse. I loved the instant purchasing power that Visa gave me. I fell into debt that was in the five figure category. Thanks to my gracious parents, they bailed me out, not once, not twice, but three times. I no longer have any type of credit card because I know I can not control myself with them. If I can’t pay for it with cash, then I can’t have it, plain and simple. No, I did not learn this from Dave Ramsey, I did this on my own because I know how I am.
You have no biological children, so what? Yes, I know that a big dream of mine was to have a bunch of rug rats. God had a different plan for me. I do not understand it; however, I do accept it because He knows better than I. The caveat is that I hate not giving my parents a grandchild because that was always a dream of theirs. My bloodline ends with me. It is a depressing thought but one that I will live with gracefully. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally in love with my seven year old step son, but wanted one of my very own. I think most women feel that need to be a mom but it just wasn’t in the cards for me.
I have a very addictive personality. Admittedly so, and I am still a work in progress on this one. There are many hurdles. When I say addictive it does not refer to drugs and alcohol, but a multitude of sins. My current addiction is playing games online. Past addictions have included cross-stitching, pottery, UT football, needlepoint, and decorating just to name a few…
So after 42 years I would like to say I have learned a little something about this thing we call life. Hopefully there will be more valuable lessons learned as I venture on my path.
I am an only child. I know, I know, there are so many clichés that go with that title. Yes, I am a tad bit spoiled even in my 40s. Don’t be hating on me because of it. I try not to ask for many things; however, my parents are very generous and I am very blessed. In all honesty, if the Lord asked me to pick any two people in the world to be my parents, I would have selected them. They are loving, loyal, compassionate, faithful, honest, caring people. I could use a thousand more positive things to describe them; however, I won’t. It would take pages to describe what good souls they both are and continue to be.
I have a multitude of first cousins. I am close to some but not all of them. It is a large generation gap in that some of my first cousins are actually older than my father. Kinda weirds me out when I think about it…. My paternal grandmother had her first child in 1915 and my Daddy, who is the baby, came along in 1939. Kinda all spread out… My maternal grandmother (Nana) gave birth to five children. My Mama is the middle child. They are a little spread out in that my youngest Aunt (Auntie D) is 11 years younger than Mama and 11 years older than me. She is like my big sister. I am grateful for her and love her tremendously.
Over the course of my 42 years I have learned many life lessons. Lessons that I would like to share with you now. So without further adieu let’s get started, shall we?
Do not under any circumstances define yourself by who you are in a relationship with at all! There was a time that people only knew me as Mrs. (name of first husband here) and did not actually know my name. It bothered me but not enough to speak up. Now I know better. I am not Mrs. or Frau (Mein Deutscher). I am Klinde, but you all know that’s not my real name but I digress…
Do not let people take advantage of you. Too many times I was burned because I would allow people to walk all over me. I was too intimidated to speak up for fear they would no longer like. I had the mad desire to please everyone all the time and would let people run me over. Now I speak up and make my voice heard and if someone disagrees or doesn’t want to be around me because of it, so be it. At least I got it off of my chest and I can not sit and sulk or worry over it.
Learn to handle money. I was a victim of credit abuse. I loved the instant purchasing power that Visa gave me. I fell into debt that was in the five figure category. Thanks to my gracious parents, they bailed me out, not once, not twice, but three times. I no longer have any type of credit card because I know I can not control myself with them. If I can’t pay for it with cash, then I can’t have it, plain and simple. No, I did not learn this from Dave Ramsey, I did this on my own because I know how I am.
You have no biological children, so what? Yes, I know that a big dream of mine was to have a bunch of rug rats. God had a different plan for me. I do not understand it; however, I do accept it because He knows better than I. The caveat is that I hate not giving my parents a grandchild because that was always a dream of theirs. My bloodline ends with me. It is a depressing thought but one that I will live with gracefully. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally in love with my seven year old step son, but wanted one of my very own. I think most women feel that need to be a mom but it just wasn’t in the cards for me.
I have a very addictive personality. Admittedly so, and I am still a work in progress on this one. There are many hurdles. When I say addictive it does not refer to drugs and alcohol, but a multitude of sins. My current addiction is playing games online. Past addictions have included cross-stitching, pottery, UT football, needlepoint, and decorating just to name a few…
So after 42 years I would like to say I have learned a little something about this thing we call life. Hopefully there will be more valuable lessons learned as I venture on my path.
15 March 2008
WTF?????
So my German is working a show for his company. It is a huge show that has over 1500 vendors and he is in charge of the crew for his company. He has been working 12-16hour days for the past three weeks without a day off. He is exhausted but happy as he is a work horse and thrives under that type of situation. His work ethic is phenomenal to say the very least. The company mein Deutscher works for is, ironically, a German based company (go figure). He is employed by the North American headquarters. The home office is located close to the Frankfurt/Cologne area.
With that being said, he was approached by someone from the German-based operations regarding what he is doing here in the good ole U.S. of A. That person wants him to consider doing the same thing for the international company. Did I mention that this would probably base him out of the Frankfurt office???
Gentle reader, if you have been following me for any length of time you know that I attempted German lessons and failed miserably. I have no aptitude for the Germanic language. I perpetually sound as though I have a hair ball when trying to enunciate the few words I know. How in the hell would I be able to live in country where I can not speak the language? Furthermore, how would I survive being seven time zones away from my parents? Hell, I am only seven miles away from them right now and that is fine by me. I don't know what I would do to have that much distance between us. I am an only child and have an incredible relationship with them. Their health has been an issue for the past couple of years and I do not think I could handle being separated from them by the Atlantic.
I am at a loss. I am confused and frightened by the entire prospect. It is a huge compliment to my husband that the efforts he puts forth have been recognized on a very high level. I appreciate that and love him all the more for it. However, what about me?! I love visiting Germany but to live there? I am making lists of pros and cons. I am thinking. I spent an hour with Daddy this morning discussing this. I am praying. Lord knows I need His divine guidance.
With that being said, he was approached by someone from the German-based operations regarding what he is doing here in the good ole U.S. of A. That person wants him to consider doing the same thing for the international company. Did I mention that this would probably base him out of the Frankfurt office???
Gentle reader, if you have been following me for any length of time you know that I attempted German lessons and failed miserably. I have no aptitude for the Germanic language. I perpetually sound as though I have a hair ball when trying to enunciate the few words I know. How in the hell would I be able to live in country where I can not speak the language? Furthermore, how would I survive being seven time zones away from my parents? Hell, I am only seven miles away from them right now and that is fine by me. I don't know what I would do to have that much distance between us. I am an only child and have an incredible relationship with them. Their health has been an issue for the past couple of years and I do not think I could handle being separated from them by the Atlantic.
I am at a loss. I am confused and frightened by the entire prospect. It is a huge compliment to my husband that the efforts he puts forth have been recognized on a very high level. I appreciate that and love him all the more for it. However, what about me?! I love visiting Germany but to live there? I am making lists of pros and cons. I am thinking. I spent an hour with Daddy this morning discussing this. I am praying. Lord knows I need His divine guidance.
08 March 2008
Nervous Nellie
I am getting nervous... For the first time since February 19th I am going back to work on Monday. I still have mono but it is much less than it was. I am still tired but not as badly as I was before.
I am not nervous about actually working. What I am worried about is getting over-tired and having to depend upon my parents for too much... Like food, laundry and cleaning the house. I mean I am less than a month away from turning 42 and having to have my parents help with some basic needs is a bit embarrassing.
I am looking forward to returning to the office and having some interaction with other living beings besides Scout... No offense to her but you know what I mean. It will be a bit strange sitting at a computer and not having her beached on my lap. She is a good lap warmer to say the least. However, I have only been out of the house a few times since the 19th. Three trips to see the doctor, one time to get cat litter and one outing for cat food. Other than that I have relied on my parents to do anything else I need.
Wish me luck...
I am not nervous about actually working. What I am worried about is getting over-tired and having to depend upon my parents for too much... Like food, laundry and cleaning the house. I mean I am less than a month away from turning 42 and having to have my parents help with some basic needs is a bit embarrassing.
I am looking forward to returning to the office and having some interaction with other living beings besides Scout... No offense to her but you know what I mean. It will be a bit strange sitting at a computer and not having her beached on my lap. She is a good lap warmer to say the least. However, I have only been out of the house a few times since the 19th. Three trips to see the doctor, one time to get cat litter and one outing for cat food. Other than that I have relied on my parents to do anything else I need.
Wish me luck...
23 January 2008
A journey begins with the first step
When I wallow in my depression I tend to do serious thinking as well. I try focusing on the positive aspects of my life and not dwell in the negatives. It can be difficult but the effort eventually pays off with a bit of respite from the doom and gloom I am mired in. With that being said I have been thinking about my spirituality and my faith.
I was born and raised Catholic. When I do manage to attend, I am still Catholic. My parents and Nana are all practicing Catholics. The German was born and raised Catholic as well. That makes for an easier piece in our marriage as we have very similar beliefs and were raised in the same faith.
Lately I have been putting my spiritual self to the side. I have not been feeding it as it should be. I have not protected it nor sheltered it. I have let it drift. I believe that there are three parts to each of us that must be maintained: Spiritual, mental and physical. I am working on both the mental and physical aspects by trying to get a handle on my depression and by loosing almost fifty pounds in the past two years. I am proud of the weight loss. It was a long process as I did not gain that much overnight; therefore, I should not expect to loose it instantly. However, that is now what this is about… As usual, I digress.
I realize that my journey is not on the correct path. That I have slipped from where I need to be in my walk with God is an understatement. I have not spent the time in prayer and meditation that I used to. I have not been speaking to God about blessings. It has merely been all about me and what He can do for me. There is no other way to put it… I have been a selfish Christian.
I do not like the hollow feeling that gives me. I worry about getting back on track and living what I believe not just thinking about it. I miss the high I get from feeling at one with God after prayer. I miss going to church. That is something the German and I agreed we would do as husband and wife and it has been over a year since either of us set foot in Cathedral. I worry about both of us spiritually. Yes, we say blessings together before meals. Yes, we pray together about certain things but mostly our faith is our own personal belonging.
I need to refocus and redirect my life back onto my spiritual path and back to the Lord. I need to rededicate my life to Him. I know in my heart if I do so all the other things which are overwhelming now will become trivial if I have the courage and faith to put them into His hands. I need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
I was born and raised Catholic. When I do manage to attend, I am still Catholic. My parents and Nana are all practicing Catholics. The German was born and raised Catholic as well. That makes for an easier piece in our marriage as we have very similar beliefs and were raised in the same faith.
Lately I have been putting my spiritual self to the side. I have not been feeding it as it should be. I have not protected it nor sheltered it. I have let it drift. I believe that there are three parts to each of us that must be maintained: Spiritual, mental and physical. I am working on both the mental and physical aspects by trying to get a handle on my depression and by loosing almost fifty pounds in the past two years. I am proud of the weight loss. It was a long process as I did not gain that much overnight; therefore, I should not expect to loose it instantly. However, that is now what this is about… As usual, I digress.
I realize that my journey is not on the correct path. That I have slipped from where I need to be in my walk with God is an understatement. I have not spent the time in prayer and meditation that I used to. I have not been speaking to God about blessings. It has merely been all about me and what He can do for me. There is no other way to put it… I have been a selfish Christian.
I do not like the hollow feeling that gives me. I worry about getting back on track and living what I believe not just thinking about it. I miss the high I get from feeling at one with God after prayer. I miss going to church. That is something the German and I agreed we would do as husband and wife and it has been over a year since either of us set foot in Cathedral. I worry about both of us spiritually. Yes, we say blessings together before meals. Yes, we pray together about certain things but mostly our faith is our own personal belonging.
I need to refocus and redirect my life back onto my spiritual path and back to the Lord. I need to rededicate my life to Him. I know in my heart if I do so all the other things which are overwhelming now will become trivial if I have the courage and faith to put them into His hands. I need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
03 December 2007
I rule!
Yet another eventful weekend has come to pass. The Bubbie made his arrival Wednesday evening. The German, his father, made his departure (work-related) on Thursday morning. Two full days of being Munchkin, step mom extraordinaire. Yes, he calls me Munchkin. Yes, I am short. I like it though!
Well day one of single Mommy went well. I picked him up after work from my parents. We went and had Mexican. I made him try guacamole. He did not like it. I am not sure if we can still be friends due to this but I will find a way to get over it I am sure. We get home and one of us gets a hot bubble bath. Sadly that someone was not me. I get to check homework, find something suitable on TV, find a book for him to read aloud to me and make my lunch for the next day. Mission accomplished as he is clean, there is a book, homework is all good and we are both in our jammies. Life is good. I am exhausted. I am not used to this. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, thank you very much.
The next morning my father arrives at 6:30 so I do not have to go about 20 miles round trip in the wrong direction. I check in on Bubbie before my departure and he is awake (much to my father’s chagrin). We snuggle a moment, get in our hugs and kisses and I prepare to depart. As I let go of that cherubic face I tell him I love him. For the first time ever he says “I love you too, Munchkin”. I melt and can now face the day.
That evening I get to my parents house after a quick run to Kroger. I have realized that I have nothing for this child to take home for St. Nicholas Day on December 6th. I also need to get dinner for us both....
I run over to the folks house, bustle the kiddo into the car and scoot on home. I have a special treat for dinner…. All of you who are parents are going to die… I gave a seven year old 3 HUGE scoops of Cookies-n-Cream for dinner. Yep, you heard right, that was dinner. You can bet your bottom dollar he cleaned his plate (bowl actually) too.
I got a really big kick out of watching the sugar buzz kick in. I asked him if he needed to run and his answer was “yep”. So run he did… And run, and run, and run. That lasted about 2-3 hours. In between sprints we giggled and told silly stories. We were waiting for his Papa to come home. The German finally made it home close to 11p. As punishment, I had to sleep with a sugared up 7 year old. I told the Bubbie it was our secret and that each time he came for a visit he could have one crazed evening involving junk food for dinner. I think he is now my biggest fan because that is when he blurted out "my Munchkin rules!!!".
The purpose of his visit (aside from time with us) was to attend a kid’s Christmas party at the German’s company. Talk about fun! Once I find the cord, I will download photos and you can see what I am talking about… It was awesome! I got my face painted as did Bubbie. We jousted, we rode the slide, we had balloon animals, we had a family caricature drawn that he took back with him to hang in his room at his Mom’s house.
All in all it was great. Even the kitty did not seem to mind him that much. Which is highly unusual for her....
For all you parents out there, I bow to you. I am pooped.
Well day one of single Mommy went well. I picked him up after work from my parents. We went and had Mexican. I made him try guacamole. He did not like it. I am not sure if we can still be friends due to this but I will find a way to get over it I am sure. We get home and one of us gets a hot bubble bath. Sadly that someone was not me. I get to check homework, find something suitable on TV, find a book for him to read aloud to me and make my lunch for the next day. Mission accomplished as he is clean, there is a book, homework is all good and we are both in our jammies. Life is good. I am exhausted. I am not used to this. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, thank you very much.
The next morning my father arrives at 6:30 so I do not have to go about 20 miles round trip in the wrong direction. I check in on Bubbie before my departure and he is awake (much to my father’s chagrin). We snuggle a moment, get in our hugs and kisses and I prepare to depart. As I let go of that cherubic face I tell him I love him. For the first time ever he says “I love you too, Munchkin”. I melt and can now face the day.
That evening I get to my parents house after a quick run to Kroger. I have realized that I have nothing for this child to take home for St. Nicholas Day on December 6th. I also need to get dinner for us both....
I run over to the folks house, bustle the kiddo into the car and scoot on home. I have a special treat for dinner…. All of you who are parents are going to die… I gave a seven year old 3 HUGE scoops of Cookies-n-Cream for dinner. Yep, you heard right, that was dinner. You can bet your bottom dollar he cleaned his plate (bowl actually) too.
I got a really big kick out of watching the sugar buzz kick in. I asked him if he needed to run and his answer was “yep”. So run he did… And run, and run, and run. That lasted about 2-3 hours. In between sprints we giggled and told silly stories. We were waiting for his Papa to come home. The German finally made it home close to 11p. As punishment, I had to sleep with a sugared up 7 year old. I told the Bubbie it was our secret and that each time he came for a visit he could have one crazed evening involving junk food for dinner. I think he is now my biggest fan because that is when he blurted out "my Munchkin rules!!!".
The purpose of his visit (aside from time with us) was to attend a kid’s Christmas party at the German’s company. Talk about fun! Once I find the cord, I will download photos and you can see what I am talking about… It was awesome! I got my face painted as did Bubbie. We jousted, we rode the slide, we had balloon animals, we had a family caricature drawn that he took back with him to hang in his room at his Mom’s house.
All in all it was great. Even the kitty did not seem to mind him that much. Which is highly unusual for her....
For all you parents out there, I bow to you. I am pooped.
26 November 2007
Back to normal programming
I did not mean to take a blogging hiatus. Life has an annoying habit of getting in the way of things you mean to do. There has been an onslaught of things to do personally. The German and I have been preparing for the arrival of the Bubbie on Wednesday, November 28th. He is coming in for a children’s Christmas party that the German’s company throws annually. He goes back home to Jersey on Sunday, December 2nd.
The downside is that the German has to be out of town the Thursday and Friday that the Bubbie is here. I am pissed. Mind you, not at the German. It is not his fault. He told people a while back that his son was going to be here and that he could not travel during that time. We get the Bubbie infrequently. We have only seen him 16 days this entire year. And now that we get him for just four precious days, my German has to go out of town on business. Bubbie lands the evening of the 28th. The German has to depart either before Bubbie arrives or around 4a on Thursday. It slices his time with his son in half and I am livid.
Don’t get me wrong, I know this is not anyone’s fault. Business is business and something came up. I know that is out of everyone’s control. It just makes my heart ache for my husband and his son.
I love my step son with my whole heart. My parents adore him as he is the only grandchild they will ever know. The Bubbie even calls them Memere and Pepere which is the Cajun names for grandparents. He loves spending time with them and is spoiled completely rotten by them and my 86 year old Nana who lives with them. Who would not want that kind of attention? Of course my parents are utterly exhausted each day they watch him while I work (I wiped out my vacation in March going to Hamburg to meet my German’s parents).
Basically I needed to vent. I wanted to go visit my other friends in bloggyland as well after my two week stint of being offline. There will be more later on the visit as it is always a good time when the Bubbie comes to visit… Unless of course you are my cat... She remembers the previous visit.
The downside is that the German has to be out of town the Thursday and Friday that the Bubbie is here. I am pissed. Mind you, not at the German. It is not his fault. He told people a while back that his son was going to be here and that he could not travel during that time. We get the Bubbie infrequently. We have only seen him 16 days this entire year. And now that we get him for just four precious days, my German has to go out of town on business. Bubbie lands the evening of the 28th. The German has to depart either before Bubbie arrives or around 4a on Thursday. It slices his time with his son in half and I am livid.
Don’t get me wrong, I know this is not anyone’s fault. Business is business and something came up. I know that is out of everyone’s control. It just makes my heart ache for my husband and his son.
I love my step son with my whole heart. My parents adore him as he is the only grandchild they will ever know. The Bubbie even calls them Memere and Pepere which is the Cajun names for grandparents. He loves spending time with them and is spoiled completely rotten by them and my 86 year old Nana who lives with them. Who would not want that kind of attention? Of course my parents are utterly exhausted each day they watch him while I work (I wiped out my vacation in March going to Hamburg to meet my German’s parents).
Basically I needed to vent. I wanted to go visit my other friends in bloggyland as well after my two week stint of being offline. There will be more later on the visit as it is always a good time when the Bubbie comes to visit… Unless of course you are my cat... She remembers the previous visit.
04 September 2007
Depression - part deux
The beast has reared its ugly head once again… The depression is back and in full bloom. I can not seem to shake it and that makes it even worse.
There was no trigger… The German and I are doing well, Mama is still doing well from her cancer, Daddy is recuperating nicely from his surgery, job is good, no money worries… Grrrr, usually I can pinpoint something that got me going. This time, nada, zip, nothing. Not even a clue as to what the underlying issue may be (if there even is one).
It gets to be overwhelming. The depression can suffocate the good happening around me and snuff out the light. I do okay at work because I do not have time to deal with it while I am there. But once I get in the car to leave – BAM! Now I have time for the pain, damn it. The difficulty lies in that most of my time away from the office is spent in a daze. I have my good moments, moments I relish and am thankful for; however, the bad seems to overshadow the good more and more these past weeks.
Although there is such a pre-conceived notion about depression being a mental illness, I know better. I know what is wrong with me is a chemical imbalance in my brain, a physical ailment instead. So I have made an executive decision regarding this. One that I hope will be for the good. I am going back on my meds. I am doing so out of necessity because I do not like being this way nor is it fair to those that I love to have to deal with me in this condition. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to follow up on my holter monitor and am going to ask for a prescription tomorrow. Hopefully a happier Klinde will come as a result.
I tend to experience side effects on meds. Night sweats (which are particularly joyful now that I am pre-menopausal), lucid dreams (think Salvador Dali paintings) and sleeplessness… I have weighed the options and decided that I will just have to live through that part because what I am currently dealing with is too much for my curly head to wrap around itself.
I will keep you posted.
PS: Auntie D, if you read this, I did not call because it’s been hard on me to admit I need to get back on the meds. Sorry! Love you!
There was no trigger… The German and I are doing well, Mama is still doing well from her cancer, Daddy is recuperating nicely from his surgery, job is good, no money worries… Grrrr, usually I can pinpoint something that got me going. This time, nada, zip, nothing. Not even a clue as to what the underlying issue may be (if there even is one).
It gets to be overwhelming. The depression can suffocate the good happening around me and snuff out the light. I do okay at work because I do not have time to deal with it while I am there. But once I get in the car to leave – BAM! Now I have time for the pain, damn it. The difficulty lies in that most of my time away from the office is spent in a daze. I have my good moments, moments I relish and am thankful for; however, the bad seems to overshadow the good more and more these past weeks.
Although there is such a pre-conceived notion about depression being a mental illness, I know better. I know what is wrong with me is a chemical imbalance in my brain, a physical ailment instead. So I have made an executive decision regarding this. One that I hope will be for the good. I am going back on my meds. I am doing so out of necessity because I do not like being this way nor is it fair to those that I love to have to deal with me in this condition. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to follow up on my holter monitor and am going to ask for a prescription tomorrow. Hopefully a happier Klinde will come as a result.
I tend to experience side effects on meds. Night sweats (which are particularly joyful now that I am pre-menopausal), lucid dreams (think Salvador Dali paintings) and sleeplessness… I have weighed the options and decided that I will just have to live through that part because what I am currently dealing with is too much for my curly head to wrap around itself.
I will keep you posted.
PS: Auntie D, if you read this, I did not call because it’s been hard on me to admit I need to get back on the meds. Sorry! Love you!
16 August 2007
Pain in the neck....
Thanks to everyone for their prayers and kind words.
Daddy is out of surgery and all went well. He is currently still in recovery and should be moved into a room in the next hour or so. When that happens I am going to take my happy ass over to St. Thomas to pay him a visit.
Carry on…..
Daddy is out of surgery and all went well. He is currently still in recovery and should be moved into a room in the next hour or so. When that happens I am going to take my happy ass over to St. Thomas to pay him a visit.
Carry on…..
14 August 2007
Thoughts...
I found out yesterday that my father is having surgery on Thursday. They did not tell me sooner since the Bubbie was here and I have a tendency toward the dramatic. Did I mention that I am only child who still has the umbilical cord firmly attached? Did I mention that I have truly saved his life before?
Shit.
Carotid on one side is blocked 75%... The other side was 95% back in the 90's and surgery was a success... With the notable exception of giving him penicillin which he is allergic to... Thanks Summit Medical Center.
They do not want me to go. They know I have had enough time off being sick myself with all my own problems. However, I am nervous. Who would not be? He's my father. He is a good man. A damn good man. Everyone should be so lucky to have the kind of father I have been blessed with in my life. True, faithful, generous, giving, loving, caring, gentle, understanding, compassionate... Thank you, God.
If you are the type, say a little prayer. If you are not the type, think good thoughts.
I love you, Daddy.
Edit: If you are family, apologies. Mama and Daddy decided not to pass this along to everyone. Please play along for his sake. Call me, not Mama. I will update the post tomorrow.
Love to you all in Texas and Louisiana. Hope TS Erin misses you all.
Shit.
Carotid on one side is blocked 75%... The other side was 95% back in the 90's and surgery was a success... With the notable exception of giving him penicillin which he is allergic to... Thanks Summit Medical Center.
They do not want me to go. They know I have had enough time off being sick myself with all my own problems. However, I am nervous. Who would not be? He's my father. He is a good man. A damn good man. Everyone should be so lucky to have the kind of father I have been blessed with in my life. True, faithful, generous, giving, loving, caring, gentle, understanding, compassionate... Thank you, God.
If you are the type, say a little prayer. If you are not the type, think good thoughts.
I love you, Daddy.
Edit: If you are family, apologies. Mama and Daddy decided not to pass this along to everyone. Please play along for his sake. Call me, not Mama. I will update the post tomorrow.
Love to you all in Texas and Louisiana. Hope TS Erin misses you all.
13 August 2007
Bad dreams
I had a nightmare. You know how it goes... Wakes you up breathless with your heart pounding...
I dreamed Mama survived cancer only to die in a car wreck. I even vividly remember hearing about it on the radio on my way to work... Wreck at Broadway, fatality involved... Missed call on my cell from Daddy... I was in too much traffic on 440 to answer. Got to work and realized I missed another call... Still too busy to call back.
She's good, thank goodness. And whether you believe it or not, there has been occasions my nightmares come true. I know she is not headed down that route soon. Of. The. Good.
I dreamed Mama survived cancer only to die in a car wreck. I even vividly remember hearing about it on the radio on my way to work... Wreck at Broadway, fatality involved... Missed call on my cell from Daddy... I was in too much traffic on 440 to answer. Got to work and realized I missed another call... Still too busy to call back.
She's good, thank goodness. And whether you believe it or not, there has been occasions my nightmares come true. I know she is not headed down that route soon. Of. The. Good.
03 August 2007
Center Piece of your family
Reason number 1,107,727 why I love the German...
A little over three years ago, my parents called me, their only child, regarding an important issue... They wanted to move Nana here from San Antonio. She was about to turn 84.
This was way before the cancer diagnosis, and Mama gave her two options. Move here before Christmas 2004 or after Easter 2005. Pick one. She chose the latter.
I had no problem saying move her here. It was understood that Nana would live her final years with Mama and Daddy. Completely unspoken. Trust me, I lived close enough to her most of my life to know the drill.
Of course I had no issue. I know she is is aging. I know that encompasses change. I know that she has survived two husbands. I know she is a strong, proud woman. The youngest of a group of sisters. She grew up poor. She raised five children. She has eight grandchildren. She does crossword puzzles in black ink. She had a rotary dial phone. She plays a mean game of canasta. She rocks.
She turned 86 today. She was a widow for the first time at 42. I will be 42 next year and that fact scares the shit out of me. She was widowed again shortly before her 80th birthday.
She is a strong woman. She is a beautiful woman. Did I mention she still does crossword puzzles in ink?
So anyway, when Mama and Daddy had the family meeting (yes, we really do have family meetings) to let me know they wanted to move her here (we are still a family democracy so my vote counts) I said yes. They asked me what the German thought. Honestly, his opinion never crossed my mind. Sorry, this was about my Nana. I grew up with her, he didn't. It may be wrong, but it's the truth. We (Mama, Daddy and I) made a decision, wasn't that all that mattered? Mama in her ever politically correct way told me the German now had a vote. We lived together then, not yet engaged. I was planning a future with him. It mattered. His answer? The title of the blog. He told me that if Mama. Daddy and I were run over by a truck, his job was her. To take her back to her biological family unless she wanted him to be the care taker.... The answer is, she loves him, but no. Get her to Texas.
So in a REALLY roundabout way, happy 86th birthday. You are the oldest person the Bubbie knows. You are the cornerstone of the "M" family. You are still a card shark. You still have the same laugh. You are still the same woman who could not get out of the wheelchair since Mama threatened you (insert "M" family joke). You still made me eat lemon egg (Jentina, I am looking at you).
You are the cornerstone of our family.
A little over three years ago, my parents called me, their only child, regarding an important issue... They wanted to move Nana here from San Antonio. She was about to turn 84.
This was way before the cancer diagnosis, and Mama gave her two options. Move here before Christmas 2004 or after Easter 2005. Pick one. She chose the latter.
I had no problem saying move her here. It was understood that Nana would live her final years with Mama and Daddy. Completely unspoken. Trust me, I lived close enough to her most of my life to know the drill.
Of course I had no issue. I know she is is aging. I know that encompasses change. I know that she has survived two husbands. I know she is a strong, proud woman. The youngest of a group of sisters. She grew up poor. She raised five children. She has eight grandchildren. She does crossword puzzles in black ink. She had a rotary dial phone. She plays a mean game of canasta. She rocks.
She turned 86 today. She was a widow for the first time at 42. I will be 42 next year and that fact scares the shit out of me. She was widowed again shortly before her 80th birthday.
She is a strong woman. She is a beautiful woman. Did I mention she still does crossword puzzles in ink?
So anyway, when Mama and Daddy had the family meeting (yes, we really do have family meetings) to let me know they wanted to move her here (we are still a family democracy so my vote counts) I said yes. They asked me what the German thought. Honestly, his opinion never crossed my mind. Sorry, this was about my Nana. I grew up with her, he didn't. It may be wrong, but it's the truth. We (Mama, Daddy and I) made a decision, wasn't that all that mattered? Mama in her ever politically correct way told me the German now had a vote. We lived together then, not yet engaged. I was planning a future with him. It mattered. His answer? The title of the blog. He told me that if Mama. Daddy and I were run over by a truck, his job was her. To take her back to her biological family unless she wanted him to be the care taker.... The answer is, she loves him, but no. Get her to Texas.
So in a REALLY roundabout way, happy 86th birthday. You are the oldest person the Bubbie knows. You are the cornerstone of the "M" family. You are still a card shark. You still have the same laugh. You are still the same woman who could not get out of the wheelchair since Mama threatened you (insert "M" family joke). You still made me eat lemon egg (Jentina, I am looking at you).
You are the cornerstone of our family.
22 July 2007
What does it take to make it to 43 years?
Let me start with apologies to my parents for not posting this on their actual anniversary of July 20th. I have been under the weather and blogging was not a priority like trying to feel good enough to go to work.
Well 43 years ago this past Friday, my parents ran off from San Antonio, Texas to Seguin, Texas to elope in front a justice of the peace. They have been married to one another since they were 25 and 20 years of age. I can not imagine being with the man I was with at either 20 nor 25 and sustaining it at the level they have accomplished.
Of course there has been ups and downs. I do not know any married couple who has not had those regardless of how wonderful everything is. People grow and change and not always at the same rate or in the same direction. Marriage, hell, ANY relationship takes work. It takes time, nurturing, patience, understanding, a give and take... Of course most people think a relationship is 50-50; however, there are going to be times when it is 70-30 or even 90-10 and you need to learn to roll with it in order to sustain and grow with it.
My parents have learned that. To say they have mastered it is an understatement. Their relationship has had it's hardships as have everyone else. Growing up, my father was in law enforcement and frequently worked odd shifts or "on call" and such. There were times when friends thought I was from a single parent family due to my father's work requirements. It was not the case; however, it did thrust me into a different relationship with my mother because of our time alone. That is a situation I have worked on remedying as I have grown older. But this is not about me, sorry, I digress...
I have asked questions regarding the longevity of their marriage. Mama has always told me that she knew Daddy would take care of her for the rest of her life. Even before her diagnosis with cancer he has kept that promise. He takes care of so many things for their household (which also includes Nana, Mama's 85 year old mother). Mama enjoys sleeping in and jokes constantly that he "does more before I get up than I do all day". They do have their different household obligations; however, Daddy has had to step up in a few more categories since Mama has been ill.
They take time for one another. Sometimes in small batches. It's hard for them at times since they have Nana and do not want her to feel excluded. I should do more to pick up the slack and give them time apart. I do not do nearly enough in that avenue. Writing this I realize there is so much more I should do to allow them time together, time they have earned, time they deserve just for one another.
At the heart of this, I have learned through observation that which seems to be their biggest secrets to a successful marriage.... Understanding, patience, communication, time together... Sounds easy in theory; however, so many marriages seem to falter. Thankfully theirs is not one of them.
So to my parents, happy belated 43rd anniversary. Thank you for being a role model not only to me but to others by your example of not just what a couple should be, but also what you both give to others as individuals. If God would have asked me to select who I wanted as parents, I could not have done a more amazing job. I am fortunate, blessed beyond measure for having you in my life. I love you both.
Well 43 years ago this past Friday, my parents ran off from San Antonio, Texas to Seguin, Texas to elope in front a justice of the peace. They have been married to one another since they were 25 and 20 years of age. I can not imagine being with the man I was with at either 20 nor 25 and sustaining it at the level they have accomplished.
Of course there has been ups and downs. I do not know any married couple who has not had those regardless of how wonderful everything is. People grow and change and not always at the same rate or in the same direction. Marriage, hell, ANY relationship takes work. It takes time, nurturing, patience, understanding, a give and take... Of course most people think a relationship is 50-50; however, there are going to be times when it is 70-30 or even 90-10 and you need to learn to roll with it in order to sustain and grow with it.
My parents have learned that. To say they have mastered it is an understatement. Their relationship has had it's hardships as have everyone else. Growing up, my father was in law enforcement and frequently worked odd shifts or "on call" and such. There were times when friends thought I was from a single parent family due to my father's work requirements. It was not the case; however, it did thrust me into a different relationship with my mother because of our time alone. That is a situation I have worked on remedying as I have grown older. But this is not about me, sorry, I digress...
I have asked questions regarding the longevity of their marriage. Mama has always told me that she knew Daddy would take care of her for the rest of her life. Even before her diagnosis with cancer he has kept that promise. He takes care of so many things for their household (which also includes Nana, Mama's 85 year old mother). Mama enjoys sleeping in and jokes constantly that he "does more before I get up than I do all day". They do have their different household obligations; however, Daddy has had to step up in a few more categories since Mama has been ill.
They take time for one another. Sometimes in small batches. It's hard for them at times since they have Nana and do not want her to feel excluded. I should do more to pick up the slack and give them time apart. I do not do nearly enough in that avenue. Writing this I realize there is so much more I should do to allow them time together, time they have earned, time they deserve just for one another.
At the heart of this, I have learned through observation that which seems to be their biggest secrets to a successful marriage.... Understanding, patience, communication, time together... Sounds easy in theory; however, so many marriages seem to falter. Thankfully theirs is not one of them.
So to my parents, happy belated 43rd anniversary. Thank you for being a role model not only to me but to others by your example of not just what a couple should be, but also what you both give to others as individuals. If God would have asked me to select who I wanted as parents, I could not have done a more amazing job. I am fortunate, blessed beyond measure for having you in my life. I love you both.
25 June 2007
Madre, Mere, Mutter
They all equal out to one thing... Mother... We all have one regardless of our circumstances. Our individual relationships with them vary far and wide. I am blessed to have a fabulous one that I often refer to as the Munchkin due to her being all of 4'10"ish. I add the "ish" because she's lost about an inch in her 60 odd years on earth and she has always said that every fraction of an inch counts when you are under 5'.
We are over our misunderstanding of a few days back. I never made the phone call to her; however, she, Daddy and the Nana came over for lunch yesterday... Burgers the size of my head to be exact. Following my usual M.O., I digress.
We had good conversations, my mother and I. I am way over being upset and need to get skin just a few notches thicker. I am trying to enjoy the times I spend with the people I love and care about. After all that is what makes life worthwhile to me. I need to constantly remind myself of that little tidbit. Maybe I will put up post-it notes that will give me the "gentle reminder" I so often need when I am having a blue moment. Or maybe I should just tattoo it to my forehead. Not.
Anywho, the test results are back... Finally... News is of the good. No visible signs of cancer... The fluid surrounding her heart is nothing to be worried about and simply is a side effect of the radiation. The other problems are being addressed in the ways the docs see will suit her best. Everything will be monitored accordingly.
She did do one thing of which I was quite proud... She asserted herself with the oncologist by letting it be known she wants a brain scan. Seems lung cancer all too often metastasizes to the brain. Dr. Sandler does not think this has happened to her; however, he supports her being proactive and the MRI will be on Sunday, July 1st.
Things are looking good, no, better, than expected. If you or a loved one is ever put in the situation that Mama is in, I highly recommend Vanderbilt Ingram Cancer Center. I am a researching fool and it was good to find a facility accredited by the the National Cancer Institute. I will tell you up front that I pray that you and yours are never in need because this is not of the good.
Lessons learned? Follow God's commandment to Honor your Mother and Father. You will be blessed all the more for having done so.
We are over our misunderstanding of a few days back. I never made the phone call to her; however, she, Daddy and the Nana came over for lunch yesterday... Burgers the size of my head to be exact. Following my usual M.O., I digress.
We had good conversations, my mother and I. I am way over being upset and need to get skin just a few notches thicker. I am trying to enjoy the times I spend with the people I love and care about. After all that is what makes life worthwhile to me. I need to constantly remind myself of that little tidbit. Maybe I will put up post-it notes that will give me the "gentle reminder" I so often need when I am having a blue moment. Or maybe I should just tattoo it to my forehead. Not.
Anywho, the test results are back... Finally... News is of the good. No visible signs of cancer... The fluid surrounding her heart is nothing to be worried about and simply is a side effect of the radiation. The other problems are being addressed in the ways the docs see will suit her best. Everything will be monitored accordingly.
She did do one thing of which I was quite proud... She asserted herself with the oncologist by letting it be known she wants a brain scan. Seems lung cancer all too often metastasizes to the brain. Dr. Sandler does not think this has happened to her; however, he supports her being proactive and the MRI will be on Sunday, July 1st.
Things are looking good, no, better, than expected. If you or a loved one is ever put in the situation that Mama is in, I highly recommend Vanderbilt Ingram Cancer Center. I am a researching fool and it was good to find a facility accredited by the the National Cancer Institute. I will tell you up front that I pray that you and yours are never in need because this is not of the good.
Lessons learned? Follow God's commandment to Honor your Mother and Father. You will be blessed all the more for having done so.
17 June 2007
Things my Daddy taught me...
1. It's okay to take naps.
2. Hold hands before crossing the street.
3. Make sure all the doors are locked.
4. Work hard.
5. Weedeaters ain't for sissies.
6. Treat Mama with love and respect.
7. Call the people you love.
8. It's okay to hog the remote control.
9. Not everyone should use power tools.
10. The ability to drive a five speed is good.
11. Do not speak so quickly (still working on that one).
12. It's good to be pulled in a red radio flyer.
13. How to set the security alarm at my house.
14. How to program my electronic thermostat.
15. It's okay to eat sweets for breakfast.
16. Kids with ADHD should not drink coffee.
17. It is hard to quit smoking even when you know you should.
18. Learn about your families past.
19. Respect your elders.
20. Have a little faith.
21. It is not hard to make a roux.
22. Take photos - especially of the people you love and care for - and often.
23. Early to bed, early to rise... Haven't quite mastered that one yet...
24. It is okay to take chances and risks.
25. It is okay to show your family love and affection.
Daddy, I love you with my whole heart and I am grateful God saw it fit to give me you. Happy Father's Day!!
13 June 2007
die Stiefmutter
die Stiefmutter = Step mother
Let's set the record straight regarding the Bubbie.... He is not mine by birth... He is mine by marriage... He is six. He will be seven next month. He is by all accounts, beautiful, brilliant and quite mature for his age. That is if there is such a thing as a mature six year old...
Not being physcially able to have my own offspring increases my love for the Bubbie even more so. He is a smaller replica of mein Deutscher. Not much smaller mind you as the kid is about 4'3" (or less than a foot shorter than me if you must know).
I am sorry we do not get to see him very often; however, he lives in New Jersey so visits are hard to come by since it involves flights and possibly hotels and rental cars if we just go to see him. Gets pricey quickly... Especially if you would actually like to do something with him or (gasp) eat...
I think I am taking on the role of "Stiefmutter" quite well. I treat him with honesty, integrity and respect. I cheer his successes and kiss away the boo-boo's. It's a given that I love the Bubbie. I have known him since the day he was born. Used to baby sit for him when the German was married to his ex-wife. My whole family has embraced him as well. With my being an only child, he is the only grandchild Mama and Daddy will know. The Bubbie refers to them as Memere and Pepere, the Cajun nicknames for grandparents. The Bubbie delights in the Nana having lost his last biological great-grandparent 4 or 5 years ago. Mama, Daddy and Nana love having him around and are utterly exhausted upon his departure having played, cuddled and loved on him the entire time he visits.
With the notable exception of the cat being totally petrified of him, there is no problem in the world with the Bubbie. Wherein the problem lies is the mother of the Bubbie... She and I were never close. I was always the German's friend, not her's. I had known him for almost four years before they even met. She expects us to take the Bubbie according to what fits her schedule. She expects my German to be the one who has to take a full day off from work to pick him up while she is the one that can conveniently retrieve him on a Sunday. Do not get me wrong, mein Deutscher has no problem taking a day off from work to retrieve his son - that is not the issue. The problem is the expectation on her behalf that my German make the sacrifice of doing so to bring him for a visit because she, in her own words, "does not want to waste a vacation day". Selbstsuchtig = selfish anyone?
She does not adhere to a phone schedule with him. Mein Deutscher calls almost everyday. Usually with no joy as both the house and cell phone go unanswered. Two or three days later she will call and leave a message about how the Bubbie "did not feel like talking on the phone" for one reason or another. I get a bit huffy on that one... He is six, tell him he needs to talk to his Papa before he can watch Nick Jr or before he gets to go play outside. Even if it is just 60 seconds, I love the way my German's face lights up just hearing that little voice pipe up with "hi, Papa". Not being a full time mom or step mom, I am not sure if he is always that way; however, if it were me, my mother would tell me I needed to talk to my father before moving on to another thing... Oh wait a minute, that really did happen! Daddy traveled extensively when I was younger and that was the rule....
She approaches me with issues, questions, travel plans; however, when I breach the subject of travel first I am told I "am not his parent". True; however, fair's fair. If you approach me allow me the same courtesy to approach you. I am not trying to be his mother. He has a mother and when I married the German, I sent her a very heartfelt note telling her that I know my role is to cherish and encourage and love the Bubbie and watch out for his well being.
I am blessed to not be a product of divorce. The German is as well. None of my closest friends are the children of divorced parents nor are they step parents. Same thing with my boat-load of aunt and uncles. It is a slippery slope and I have no frame of reference for it. Never do I want to be compared to what seems to be the negatives of being a step mom. It is far too Cinderalla-esque for my tastes.
So I am calling all mom's and step mom's for advice as to how to handle the situation. Thoughts? Suggestions? All are welcome.
Let's set the record straight regarding the Bubbie.... He is not mine by birth... He is mine by marriage... He is six. He will be seven next month. He is by all accounts, beautiful, brilliant and quite mature for his age. That is if there is such a thing as a mature six year old...
Not being physcially able to have my own offspring increases my love for the Bubbie even more so. He is a smaller replica of mein Deutscher. Not much smaller mind you as the kid is about 4'3" (or less than a foot shorter than me if you must know).
I am sorry we do not get to see him very often; however, he lives in New Jersey so visits are hard to come by since it involves flights and possibly hotels and rental cars if we just go to see him. Gets pricey quickly... Especially if you would actually like to do something with him or (gasp) eat...
I think I am taking on the role of "Stiefmutter" quite well. I treat him with honesty, integrity and respect. I cheer his successes and kiss away the boo-boo's. It's a given that I love the Bubbie. I have known him since the day he was born. Used to baby sit for him when the German was married to his ex-wife. My whole family has embraced him as well. With my being an only child, he is the only grandchild Mama and Daddy will know. The Bubbie refers to them as Memere and Pepere, the Cajun nicknames for grandparents. The Bubbie delights in the Nana having lost his last biological great-grandparent 4 or 5 years ago. Mama, Daddy and Nana love having him around and are utterly exhausted upon his departure having played, cuddled and loved on him the entire time he visits.
With the notable exception of the cat being totally petrified of him, there is no problem in the world with the Bubbie. Wherein the problem lies is the mother of the Bubbie... She and I were never close. I was always the German's friend, not her's. I had known him for almost four years before they even met. She expects us to take the Bubbie according to what fits her schedule. She expects my German to be the one who has to take a full day off from work to pick him up while she is the one that can conveniently retrieve him on a Sunday. Do not get me wrong, mein Deutscher has no problem taking a day off from work to retrieve his son - that is not the issue. The problem is the expectation on her behalf that my German make the sacrifice of doing so to bring him for a visit because she, in her own words, "does not want to waste a vacation day". Selbstsuchtig = selfish anyone?
She does not adhere to a phone schedule with him. Mein Deutscher calls almost everyday. Usually with no joy as both the house and cell phone go unanswered. Two or three days later she will call and leave a message about how the Bubbie "did not feel like talking on the phone" for one reason or another. I get a bit huffy on that one... He is six, tell him he needs to talk to his Papa before he can watch Nick Jr or before he gets to go play outside. Even if it is just 60 seconds, I love the way my German's face lights up just hearing that little voice pipe up with "hi, Papa". Not being a full time mom or step mom, I am not sure if he is always that way; however, if it were me, my mother would tell me I needed to talk to my father before moving on to another thing... Oh wait a minute, that really did happen! Daddy traveled extensively when I was younger and that was the rule....
She approaches me with issues, questions, travel plans; however, when I breach the subject of travel first I am told I "am not his parent". True; however, fair's fair. If you approach me allow me the same courtesy to approach you. I am not trying to be his mother. He has a mother and when I married the German, I sent her a very heartfelt note telling her that I know my role is to cherish and encourage and love the Bubbie and watch out for his well being.
I am blessed to not be a product of divorce. The German is as well. None of my closest friends are the children of divorced parents nor are they step parents. Same thing with my boat-load of aunt and uncles. It is a slippery slope and I have no frame of reference for it. Never do I want to be compared to what seems to be the negatives of being a step mom. It is far too Cinderalla-esque for my tastes.
So I am calling all mom's and step mom's for advice as to how to handle the situation. Thoughts? Suggestions? All are welcome.
12 June 2007
Twofer...
die Ruhestand = retirement
Not that I am fortunate enough to be anywhere close to it; however, it is a subject my German and I discussed at length last night. Our hopes and dreams upon retirement hinge upon the planning we do now. Let's be frank, our planning has sucked. And we are not getting any younger.
Just as it is with most things, once you start thinking about it, signs apppear from all over. Just today as I perused MSNBC.com, I came across this article about the very thing we spoke about last night. It's always that way... You want to buy a certain brand of car and then suddenly they are all you see on the road...
I know I mentioned that our planning sucks; however, I should clarify that we both participate in our respective company's retirement plans. We are both quite fortunate to work for privately owned companies that are much more generous with their contribution match than what we had when working with publicly held companies. We both are socking away more funds than we were before we were married because we can afford to since we have a double income family. We are not tucking away nearly as much as we should if we would like to retire even a little bit earlier.
We have some other opportunities afforded us that several people we know do not have available to them. My family is far from wealthy; however, with proper planning my parents squirreled away a nice retirement nest egg for themselves. With the knowledge that their only child is not so good at the saving money aspect, my folks basically retired for three to guarantee that I would be okay with what I had and the padding they left behind for me. For their love and foresight, I am completely grateful. Truly that is something for which I am completely blessed. With what I have and what they have for me, retirement should be an option I can easily face.
Not that I am fortunate enough to be anywhere close to it; however, it is a subject my German and I discussed at length last night. Our hopes and dreams upon retirement hinge upon the planning we do now. Let's be frank, our planning has sucked. And we are not getting any younger.
Just as it is with most things, once you start thinking about it, signs apppear from all over. Just today as I perused MSNBC.com, I came across this article about the very thing we spoke about last night. It's always that way... You want to buy a certain brand of car and then suddenly they are all you see on the road...
I know I mentioned that our planning sucks; however, I should clarify that we both participate in our respective company's retirement plans. We are both quite fortunate to work for privately owned companies that are much more generous with their contribution match than what we had when working with publicly held companies. We both are socking away more funds than we were before we were married because we can afford to since we have a double income family. We are not tucking away nearly as much as we should if we would like to retire even a little bit earlier.
We have some other opportunities afforded us that several people we know do not have available to them. My family is far from wealthy; however, with proper planning my parents squirreled away a nice retirement nest egg for themselves. With the knowledge that their only child is not so good at the saving money aspect, my folks basically retired for three to guarantee that I would be okay with what I had and the padding they left behind for me. For their love and foresight, I am completely grateful. Truly that is something for which I am completely blessed. With what I have and what they have for me, retirement should be an option I can easily face.
10 June 2007
Count your gesegnets...
Gesegnet = blessing...
Count 'em, folks. They are plentiful even in your darkest moments.
Even when Mama was diagnosed with cancer, I was counting the blessings in my life. My faith and my family are amongst two of the largest. I am a fortunate person inasmuch that I not only love, but I also actually like my parents. I dig spending time with them. Unfortunately I can not right now because the German has the lingering effects of a cold he brought home last weekend and I still may be an incubator.
Can't be around the parents and the Nana if there is a chance I could get any of them sick. No germs from the German are to be shared in such a fashion.
So today I thought I would share funf (5) Gesegnets with you:
1. Being a complete bum all day was decadent and refreshing.
2. The mango margarita I had a lunch was quite the tasty treat.
3. Being rolled onto NiT today made me very happy!
4. The German and I have decided to quit smoking. Now we just have to pick our quit day.
5. I am almost ready for bed....
Count 'em, folks. They are plentiful even in your darkest moments.
Even when Mama was diagnosed with cancer, I was counting the blessings in my life. My faith and my family are amongst two of the largest. I am a fortunate person inasmuch that I not only love, but I also actually like my parents. I dig spending time with them. Unfortunately I can not right now because the German has the lingering effects of a cold he brought home last weekend and I still may be an incubator.
Can't be around the parents and the Nana if there is a chance I could get any of them sick. No germs from the German are to be shared in such a fashion.
So today I thought I would share funf (5) Gesegnets with you:
1. Being a complete bum all day was decadent and refreshing.
2. The mango margarita I had a lunch was quite the tasty treat.
3. Being rolled onto NiT today made me very happy!
4. The German and I have decided to quit smoking. Now we just have to pick our quit day.
5. I am almost ready for bed....
08 June 2007
Unfortunately, your word of the day...
Lunge Krebs (bet I do not need to translate to lung cancer, do I?)
Over a year... 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days... It was a year April 24th... That was the day the wonderful Dr. Bill Putnam of Vanderbilt cut the horrible cancer out of Mama... One of the best and worst days of my life as I remember it. I know Daddy was as scared as I was. After all, he's known her over 44 years and I had only known her the 40 I had lived through to that point.
I remember when she was first diagnosed (in March 2006) with non-small cell lung cancer. The pulmonologist told us it looked like IA and that it should easily be removed with a wedgectomy His prognosis was no radiation and no chemo, that's it. I remember he actually said the other "C" word.... CURE...
I remember on the 24th of April when Dr. Putnam called to have Daddy and I come up to discuss the surgery with him. I was so anxious because her first CT scan showed something the size of a quarter and now the pure evil should be removed from her petite body. I was nervous, anxious, jittery and about to throw up.
He led us into the room to speak to us. I had my trusty notebook and pen at hand, you never know when you might need to take notes. It was worse than he thought.... Hidden behind the quarter-sized tumor was a much larger grapefruit-sized one that did not light up during all the preliminary tests. It was wrapped around some lymph nodes... How many? Lots. Had to take those too. Fortunately the right lung looked clear and there was nothing else showing cancer.
Prognosis? Much different than the pulmonologist's original thought... Now there will be chemo - about 12 weeks worth of it. Now there will be radiation - about 6-8 weeks of it. Chances of it spreading? Yep. Now I really want to puke.
The look on Daddy's face must have mirrored my own. Complete, utter devastation and worry. My immediate family is a family of three. An oddity in Catholicism. We are a tight knit crew and we have the large extended family to prove it. Daddy is the baby of ten and Mama is the middle of five. Cousins out the wazoo.... However, we are the only part of the contingency in Tennessee... Oops, forgot to mention that the Nana lives with the folks. The Nana is the Mama's mother... I was living with the German (and about to get engaged in eight days unbeknownst to me) and, unfortunately, he was out of town on business this day. Daddy and I had to be there for one another and our one rule was to not cry in front of Mama.
Chemo and radiation are a bitch. I never want to go through the pure hell Mama went through. Ever. Wouldn't wish it on another living soul. Period.
She got a diagnosis of "no new visible sign of disease" back in the fall of 06. It is time for the next Cat Scan results next week and we are praying, hoping, wishing, crossing our fingers and everything else that this will say the same... No visible sign of disease.
Cancer is a vicious, evil beast and shows no discrimination or regard to any that fall victim to it. I say that even more so because Mama is not a smoker, never has been... It's just "one of those things".
People, those that know me and those that do not, I ask for your prayers for Mama. If you are not a prayerful person, I ask for your kind thoughts and well wishes for her. 63 years and some odd months is way too short a time for her. I want my parents to happily and healthfully celebrate their 50th anniversary in 6+ years and many more to come.
I just needed to get this off my chest. The nervous, anxious, jittery thing is kicking in again. Thank God for a nice cold Yazoo Dos Perros to wind down this week.
There will be a much lighter, happier German word the next time. Promise.
Over a year... 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days... It was a year April 24th... That was the day the wonderful Dr. Bill Putnam of Vanderbilt cut the horrible cancer out of Mama... One of the best and worst days of my life as I remember it. I know Daddy was as scared as I was. After all, he's known her over 44 years and I had only known her the 40 I had lived through to that point.
I remember when she was first diagnosed (in March 2006) with non-small cell lung cancer. The pulmonologist told us it looked like IA and that it should easily be removed with a wedgectomy His prognosis was no radiation and no chemo, that's it. I remember he actually said the other "C" word.... CURE...
I remember on the 24th of April when Dr. Putnam called to have Daddy and I come up to discuss the surgery with him. I was so anxious because her first CT scan showed something the size of a quarter and now the pure evil should be removed from her petite body. I was nervous, anxious, jittery and about to throw up.
He led us into the room to speak to us. I had my trusty notebook and pen at hand, you never know when you might need to take notes. It was worse than he thought.... Hidden behind the quarter-sized tumor was a much larger grapefruit-sized one that did not light up during all the preliminary tests. It was wrapped around some lymph nodes... How many? Lots. Had to take those too. Fortunately the right lung looked clear and there was nothing else showing cancer.
Prognosis? Much different than the pulmonologist's original thought... Now there will be chemo - about 12 weeks worth of it. Now there will be radiation - about 6-8 weeks of it. Chances of it spreading? Yep. Now I really want to puke.
The look on Daddy's face must have mirrored my own. Complete, utter devastation and worry. My immediate family is a family of three. An oddity in Catholicism. We are a tight knit crew and we have the large extended family to prove it. Daddy is the baby of ten and Mama is the middle of five. Cousins out the wazoo.... However, we are the only part of the contingency in Tennessee... Oops, forgot to mention that the Nana lives with the folks. The Nana is the Mama's mother... I was living with the German (and about to get engaged in eight days unbeknownst to me) and, unfortunately, he was out of town on business this day. Daddy and I had to be there for one another and our one rule was to not cry in front of Mama.
Chemo and radiation are a bitch. I never want to go through the pure hell Mama went through. Ever. Wouldn't wish it on another living soul. Period.
She got a diagnosis of "no new visible sign of disease" back in the fall of 06. It is time for the next Cat Scan results next week and we are praying, hoping, wishing, crossing our fingers and everything else that this will say the same... No visible sign of disease.
Cancer is a vicious, evil beast and shows no discrimination or regard to any that fall victim to it. I say that even more so because Mama is not a smoker, never has been... It's just "one of those things".
People, those that know me and those that do not, I ask for your prayers for Mama. If you are not a prayerful person, I ask for your kind thoughts and well wishes for her. 63 years and some odd months is way too short a time for her. I want my parents to happily and healthfully celebrate their 50th anniversary in 6+ years and many more to come.
I just needed to get this off my chest. The nervous, anxious, jittery thing is kicking in again. Thank God for a nice cold Yazoo Dos Perros to wind down this week.
There will be a much lighter, happier German word the next time. Promise.
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