Life as I know it...

I have written abundantly about my depression and my mother's cancer. I have shared with you all many things. Some know and some do not, that I was laid off over 28 weeks ago. The German and I are struggling. I know many are too in this economy. I know we are fortunate that we are current on our bills except for one (sorry Sprint) because the mortgage comes first as it is where we live.

To say my depression is under control is a complete and utter lie. The truth be told, we can not afford the $90/month script so I have to deal to pay other things. The depression runs rampants and messes with my head. There are times I can not control it and it leads me to be more negative than the situation is. It is of the suck... Only quoting my German on that one.

Speaking of my German, he does not completely grasp our situation. He thinks money in the bank is salvation. He quite possibly thinks it grows on trees or that my parents are millionaires. He does not know or understand where the cashflow comes from... Nor whom I have had to ask for it or the two 401k's I have cashed out to keep us afloat.... He merely sees $$$ and not the bills that will follow. I love him but want to hit him along side the head with something heavy and yell "wake up"!!! "We have no f'ing money"! We are lucky not to foreclose. I hide whatever money I can from him. He found a small stash and I ate spaghettios as a result.


He travels for a living most of the time. So his is a life of wine and roses. He eats well and I think the dollar menu at a fast food restaurant (if you can even call that a restaurant) is a treat. I have a loaf of bread and peanut butter (not of the recalled kind) to suppliment me. I am treated out for dinner with my parents on occasion but always order the cheapest thing since they are retired. I know they mean well, but they should not be spending extra on me.

But, gentle reader, I want you to know something..... Something of importance.... I am blessed. My unemployment has been a blessing because it brought me back to the Church. And the blessings from returning have been 1000 fold.

Yes, I am struggling. No, it won't be forever. I refuse to be a statistic in the foreclosure department. I am better than than and will do what it takes. But I have learned a lesson. And I have become closer to God. For that I am not sorry at all.

Things that make you go "hmmm".....

There are things that you read that make emotions well up inside you and make you pause and think. I am a step-mom. I am physically unable to have children. I always wanted to be a mother but God had a different plan for me and while I do not understand it I do accept the path He laid before me.

Right now I have quite a few friends that are pregnant as well as my sister-in-law. Seems these things always happen in groups just like all the weddings I will be attending this summer.

With that being said, I read this I wondered what I would do in a similar situation? How do you live knowing that the newly created life you carry will end almost as soon as it begins? Being Catholic I was raised to believe abortion is murder; however, there are some parts of Catholic doctrine that I do not fully agree with (but that is a post for a different day). This just made me sad and made me hurt for the poor families; however, I respect the hell out of their decision if that is what was best for them. Who am I to judge what is the most healing for them?

It was just something that made me think....