25 March 2009

Is it possible to have your sense of humor surgically removed?

I posted this photo of my (then) 86 year Nana on FB (via Easter 2008). I tagged family. I am new to FB but I knew the photo would hit their walls due to the tag. I did not know my commentary would go along for the ride. That is not an excuse, simply the truth.

I can not remember exactly what I wrote but it verged on my writing that she thought the L was for her first name and that I am mean to little old ladies that way. I did this knowing my family would get the inside joke.

I was wrong.

I had a first cousin and her husband insinuate that I was deliberately cruel. That it was wrong. That if I did not remove said photo, they would delete me from FB. Etc, etc, etc.

If you have met me, deliberate cruelty is not my forte. Yes, I can be sharp tongued, but I would not harm a fly. I was mortified and deeply hurt.

I did not mention this to said cousin for almost a day so I could get my bearings and not write to her with raw emotions. I needed to calm down,

I had anothter first cousin write that it was funny "and besides she is such a good sport".

I had an aunt write that the Easter Bunny should "leave Ex-Lax eggs in your Easter Basket, lol".

No go.... Kill joy still thought I was intentionally cruel. Ironically, the last note my cousin wrote was entitled "This note may contain sarcasm". I wanted to scream the note may contain it; however, do you UNDERSTAND it?????

I mentioned this to my grandmother today. Not my cousin's comments, nor those of her husband. Not the debacle with my cousin as I would not put my Nana in a frame of mind to know I was upset at another of her grandchildren. I wanted her to know. She is not a computer person and would have never seen this herself. I tell her when I post about her and print it for her to read. Unless it is about my mom's cancer, but that is a different story and not relevant now.

YES, I DID tell the woman the L stood for looser *after* snapping said photo. Alas, she had just lost a game. Her response that day was to snap me with a dish towel and giggle. Her response today was "have they lost their sense of humor?"

I told her this while she made her coffee whilst wearing pajamas adorned with sock monkeys. I asked if I could post that photo. She said no. Only because her hair was a mess and that she was not wearing lipstick. She is cool that way and I know that my sense of humor was handed to me from Mama via her.

I hope I am that cool if I make it to my 80s.

And as a side note, they did delete me, but not my German. I remedied that and deleted them from his account.

19 March 2009

My day in a nutshell....

I am out running errands, you know the score. I am wearing the hoodie in the photo.

I dash into Exxon and stand in line to pay for my purchase. The nice man behind the counter says to me "Your sweatshirt says Hamburg". "That is in Germany you know". Wow! A twofer, gum AND a geography lesson. Sweet!

In the car I have an epiphany... Omigosh! I no longer have to worry about being unemployed because I have a talking hoodie! I will make millions, baby!

13 March 2009

Life as I know it...

I have written abundantly about my depression and my mother's cancer. I have shared with you all many things. Some know and some do not, that I was laid off over 28 weeks ago. The German and I are struggling. I know many are too in this economy. I know we are fortunate that we are current on our bills except for one (sorry Sprint) because the mortgage comes first as it is where we live.

To say my depression is under control is a complete and utter lie. The truth be told, we can not afford the $90/month script so I have to deal to pay other things. The depression runs rampants and messes with my head. There are times I can not control it and it leads me to be more negative than the situation is. It is of the suck... Only quoting my German on that one.

Speaking of my German, he does not completely grasp our situation. He thinks money in the bank is salvation. He quite possibly thinks it grows on trees or that my parents are millionaires. He does not know or understand where the cashflow comes from... Nor whom I have had to ask for it or the two 401k's I have cashed out to keep us afloat.... He merely sees $$$ and not the bills that will follow. I love him but want to hit him along side the head with something heavy and yell "wake up"!!! "We have no f'ing money"! We are lucky not to foreclose. I hide whatever money I can from him. He found a small stash and I ate spaghettios as a result.

He travels for a living most of the time. So his is a life of wine and roses. He eats well and I think the dollar menu at a fast food restaurant (if you can even call that a restaurant) is a treat. I have a loaf of bread and peanut butter (not of the recalled kind) to suppliment me. I am treated out for dinner with my parents on occasion but always order the cheapest thing since they are retired. I know they mean well, but they should not be spending extra on me.

But, gentle reader, I want you to know something..... Something of importance.... I am blessed. My unemployment has been a blessing because it brought me back to the Church. And the blessings from returning have been 1000 fold.

Yes, I am struggling. No, it won't be forever. I refuse to be a statistic in the foreclosure department. I am better than than and will do what it takes. But I have learned a lesson. And I have become closer to God. For that I am not sorry at all.

27 February 2009

My thoughts on the past six months

My last hiatus is my previous post. To say that my life has been tumultuous is a vast understatement. As previously posted, I was laid off on 8/25. Am I gainfully employed yet? Uh, no.... There have been offers that I declined for various reasons, not a good fit, the salary was completely unacceptable, etc, etc.... Hindsight can be a bitch and I wonder if I was mistaken in not taking something but I go forward. I have a second and third interview next week that completely excite me. In all honesty it is the first opportunity that excites me and that I actually want! I won't go into detail; however, if you are the praying type, I would appreciate it; otherwise, positive vibes are also accepted.

My depression has run rampant. Unfortunately my lack of a decent paycheck has caused a budget short fall on the homefront. Cuts were made and my script for anti-depressants was a victim. Somehow electricity and food won. Crazy, huh? Pun DEFINITELY intended....

To say we are struggling financially is an understatement. I have barrelled through two 401k accounts to avoid foreclosure. That is not an option. But I am scraping the bottom. March's mortgage is in the bag, it is April that I dread. Plus I learned from taking out the 401k accounts we actually OWE the government close to $1k. It will work itself out somehow. I have faith in the Lord above. Even if I have to wait tables at the local IHOP to make it, I will do what I have to do. I am not too proud to keep us afloat. I will be 43 on 4/3 and the last thing I want to do is move back in with my parents. Not that they have the room for us anyway, Daddy would have to give up his computer room... And I am certain they do not want three more tenants because the kitty is a non-negotiable roomie as well.

As if there is not enough rain on my parade Mama has had a recurrence. She has a new spot on what is left of her left lung. It is resting on her pulmonary artery. She had a biopsy in January. There were complications a few days later which resulted in a four day stint at Vandy. They only told me about it because a friend of theirs convinced them to. They did not want to worry me. Like I don't worry about the beast each and every day coming back and claiming my mother. WTF? To top it off, there is a pinpoint spot on her right lung as well. She outlived her original diagnosis by almost a year now. The spot on the left is inoperable and she is not a candidate for radiation. Both are due to the scarring from the previous surgery and radiation. Three passes were attempted to accurately biopsy the spot to no avail. Since it is wrapped around the pulmonary artery it was far too risky to try further. She developed a pulmonary pneumothorax. She looked like Quasimodo. Medical students and interns alike all looked at the wonder of her fist sized hump. Sheesh. My mother lived a "Grey's Anatomy" moment without a single visit from McDreamy. The course of treatment is "wait and see". Did I ever mention that I am completely inpatient? My attention span can last anywhere from one to sixty seconds barring anything shiny being dangled in front of me.

Gentle reader, there is a positive in all of this.... on 9/7/08, Ambie and the chef welcomed their first child, my niece, Ela. She is beautiful, healthy, and completely adorable. The German is visiting them as I type this as he is traveling on business and made a short detour to meet the newest addition to the family. He has smothered her in kisses and refuses to give her to either parent. As gruff as my German can be, he is a total sucker for babies and children adore him. I would have loved to have made the trip with him but the seeking of employment is an impediment. I know the chef and Ambie understand and Ela is too young to know the difference. But I want to be part of her life and will!

So, that is all the news fit to print. I have missed you Bloggyland. I have renewed my Visa and plan to visit more often.

17 October 2008

Six months later, she emerges.....

To say I have been on hiatus is a HUGE understatement. Life has a tendency to get in the way and this has been no different. It has been an eventful six months with both good and bad experiences.

Let's tackle the bad first....

My family experienced two losses of loved ones. The first was my Auntie D's hubby who passed away on June 22nd. Please keep her in your prayers as this has been a very difficult time.

The family's second loss was on September 18th. That is the day that Papa, my German's father, died peacefully in his sleep. Both deaths were completely unexpected and both have had huge impacts on loved ones. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to meet him when we went to Germany last year. To say my hubby was a wreck was an understatement. Thankfully we were able to get him to Germany in time for the funeral and to spend some time with his mother.

Also on the bad is I was laid off from my job on 8/25. Currently I am temping at a company that I would love to get on with full time. Right now the temp gig is going to run through the end of the year most likely. At least it pays the bills.

My well documented depression has gone into overdrive from the stress related above; however, the meds are doing what they are supposed to and keeping me on a somewhat even keel versus what could be full-blown, crawl under a rock and pray for death option. Of course I opt for being even keeled instead. It is much better compared to the curl up and suck your thumb version.

On the upside, my Mama's cancer is still 100% gone. Her last visit with the awesome Dr. Putnam of Vanderbilt went very well and he was very positive that she was clean. Her original diagnosis was two years. Well that was two years, seven months ago.... Her odds improve with each and every day of being a statistic for good, not evil and for that I am eternally grateful.

Also during my hiatus, mein Deustcher and I celebrated our second anniversary. There are times that it feels we have been married forever and other times that it is as if we just did so yesterday. I don't know what that means; however, that is the only way I can explain it. So sorry if it makes no sense because it makes sense to me.

There have been lessons learned during this time. My total lack of patience has been tested but somehow I made it through. My ADHD has been put through the ringer and I have still come out none the worse for wear; however, at the time I thought it would be the end of me.

During this time I have reflected on where I want to go and what I want to do as a person. I have worked on my marriage, my people skills, dealing with my depression and trying to learn to focus. Unfortunatly that does not always go as planned and for a while there I was shamelessly hooked on Pogo games. I still have very weak moments where I can play for hours and have nothing to show for it. But I have over 3 million tokens so it certainly is not a "total" waste...

So to all my blogging buddies, I am back. I have missed you. I have not had time to catch up on blogs as when I go on hiatus, I really go all out.

25 April 2008


I keep in touch with some fellow blogger friends through Twitter. I never knew the reach it could really have until I read this.

22 April 2008

Mental constipation

I have not been blogging as much as I would like to. That is not to say there have not been things happening which would make for good blog fodder, it is more along the lines that I am mentally constipated and can not seem to get any of the ideas out… Unfortunately there is not a Dulcolax for the brain, so in a manner of speaking, I have been shit outta luck…

If I can manage a brain dump (put most definitely intended) then I will back to entertain the three readers I have with my witty repartee and amazing story telling abilities (feel free to laugh).

However, something happened just two days ago that I felt compelled to share… It, of course, involves my German.

To say that mein Deutscher is bad with money is a gross understatement. His idea of checking the balance is to drive through ATM and see what it reads. That is the balance he goes by. Even if I explain that there is $700 but $600 will be out in bills all he sees is a $700 balance and thinks it is fine to hit the fast cash option of $100 bucks and be on his merry way. That, of course, wreaks havoc on our finances and leaves us with a negative balance and then money will have to be transferred from savings to take care of his faux pas. He is notorious for this. It has caused major disagreements between us. I have tried to explain it to him to no avail.

Fast forward to two days ago… My German was on a business trip in Florida. I told him he could take out $30 dollars for spending money. Of course all things such as his hotel, food and gas are covered, but in case he wanted a beer, he needed a little pocket money. So yesterday as I check the online balance, I see he saw fit to take out $60 instead of the $30 I allotted for him. Being the miserly wife that I am I called him in Florida to see what the deal was…. He said the ATM did not give him an option for $30 so he took $60 instead. I calmly asked why he did not type in a dollar amount and he could not give me a good answer. He spent $5 to get a pack of smokes (yes, I know we need to quit, but that is not the point here). The rest of the cash (2 twenties, a ten and a five) were tucked under the garage door opener clipped to the visor. Well my German decided since it was such a lovely day, he would cruise around with the windows open….

Let me tell you that lightweight cash versus the wind of two open windows in a Ford F250 going 70 down the highway will always loose…. Yes, the 2 twenties went flying out the window….

My husband LITERALLY threw money out the window!!

He’s lucky I love him so….