I wish I could have....

In no particular order, here are some things I wish I could have done while being out of work with mono...

1. Pedicure
2. Hair cut & color
3. Cleaned the bathroom
4. Give Scout a bath
5. Organize the desk
6. Study my German lessons
7. Organized my DVD collection

But alas, I was too damned tired to do any of it!

Nervous Nellie

I am getting nervous... For the first time since February 19th I am going back to work on Monday. I still have mono but it is much less than it was. I am still tired but not as badly as I was before.

I am not nervous about actually working. What I am worried about is getting over-tired and having to depend upon my parents for too much... Like food, laundry and cleaning the house. I mean I am less than a month away from turning 42 and having to have my parents help with some basic needs is a bit embarrassing.

I am looking forward to returning to the office and having some interaction with other living beings besides Scout... No offense to her but you know what I mean. It will be a bit strange sitting at a computer and not having her beached on my lap. She is a good lap warmer to say the least. However, I have only been out of the house a few times since the 19th. Three trips to see the doctor, one time to get cat litter and one outing for cat food. Other than that I have relied on my parents to do anything else I need.

Wish me luck...

It's my mono and I'll nap if I want to....

Guess who only made it back to work for 2 whole days before crashing and burning??!?!!? If you guessed Klinde, you win! I am going back out until at least the 29th of February. I am one sick puppy.

Just thought you all would like to know. Carry on!

Me again...

I have been home with mono since the 6th. The doc wrote me out until the 18th when I can return to work. I am only sleeping about 16 hours a day which is not the 22 hours my cat recommends.


Life will improve I am sure...

Sicky poo

Seems I like I am always blogging about being sick or depressed or something that always is a downer. I can't believe I have contracted mono for a third time at 41 years old!! I am wiped out.... And believe me, that is an understatement! I slept about 35 hours this weekend. I am still going to work. I can barely keep my eyes open now and it is only 7:30. I am trying to stay awake to watch my favorite show but it does not come on until 9:00 so I may not make it. I am a dud.

Truly, I have become my cat. Only I am getting a mere 10 hours of sleep a day.

The poor German is relegated to all household duties. Cooking, cleaning, doing my bidding. I try not to take advantage; however, I am so freaking tired that I can barely manuever the stairs after an 8.5 hour day at work. Thankfully my boss is understanding and suggested (as did the doc) that I take a week or two off to recover properly. That is not my style. I need to go to work and do my job.

I feel like I have been given a megadose of phenergan after taking a handful of Tylenol PM chased by a glass full of vodka. That is how tired I feel.

I tend to get bleary-eyed just walking around. Supposedly I should begin to feel better in 2 - 6 weeks. Look out, come Easter I should be raring to go.

I really should not complain, it could be so much worse. But you know how that goes... Whatever is wrong with you at the time seems like the worse thing ever. Right now I just want to curl up and sleep until March. That might make it all better.

"Kissing disease"

It is official…. I have mono. It is my third time around with it the first being when I was in fifth grade, the second back in 2003 and now. I have been utterly exhausted for weeks. I chalked it up to stress and depression never thinking it could be a recurrence of mono. Then something struck me when I was at the doctor’s office on Monday…. Maybe it is mono that is zapping me of all energy and leaving me yearning to do nothing more than snooze.

I remember being tired the other two times. I remember barely being able to crawl out of bed. I slept about 18 hours a day. I became my cat.

I worry about this bout because the last time I had mono I packed on about 10 pounds due to lack of any form of exercise. Sleeping does not burn many calories nor does lying on the couch channel surfing. I have worked hard to loose almost fifty pounds over the past two years. I did not gain it overnight so why expect to loose it quickly.

Bottom line, if you see me with my head on the table, don’t bother waking me up. I am too damned tired to care.

Woe is me..

It is just another day in paradise here. I finally have moved along from the depression that was the centerpiece of my existence only to get physcially ill. I carry my stress around quite literally and it often manifests itself into an illness of sorts. I have had my IBS kick in for the past 10 days am now dehydrated and had to call in sick from work today. I have the shakes. I have been in bed since last night around 10:00p. I got up at 3:30 because I know it is the only way I will be able to sleep through the night tonight.

I went to the doctor yesterday to get things checked out. I was referred to a gastro doc and can not been seen until Monday. I am fairly certain there is another colonoscopy in my future. I dread that... Not so much the procedure as the prep. It is horrific and nauseating.

I was also tested for mono. You see I carry the Epstein Barr virus and am prone to mono. I last was full-blown with mono in 2003. I was not contagious (which is strange) and I was off of work for six weeks and slept as much as my my kitty does. It was not a fun time, let me tell you.

I truly hate that my blogging has turned to negative things for this time. I need an outlet to vent. I am sorry my few readers are suffering along with what is wrong with Klinde today. I a praying it gets better.

Let there be light

I am about to complete my third week on Lexapro and I am beginning to be able to tell the difference. I have documented my depression on more than one occasion.

I am glad I finally reached out for help through my physician. It was difficult to once again admit that I can not do this alone and ask for assistance. I was keeping my fingers crossed that it would not come to that again. That this time I could finally be in control without meds but I was wrong. So very, very wrong. I know that this is an illness, it is not something that I have done to myself or on purpose… It simply is a fact of my life and I need to recognize that and ask for help when appropriate.

The fact of the matter is that I was tottering on the edge. Anything that would go wrong in my life I would blame on the depression. Any. Little. Thing. With the notable exception of this. Bad day at work? Well of course that is because I am depressed! Need to sleep 20 hours? Depression, you betcha! Lack of energy? I am too depressed to do anything… House a mess? How am I suppose to clean in this frame of mind? The list goes on and on… It is kinda like the kid who always said the dog ate his homework….

Now that I am beginning to feel “normal” again, I can see all that I blamed on depression. I could not even begin to see it when I was held fast in the throes of it all. I guess you could say I am in the tunnel and yes, I do see the light…

Sick again... Yay me, NOT!

After 42 days straight on antibiotics for 4 UTIs since mid May, I have come down with strep. Yay me... You would think that I would practically be immune to anything with this much medicine in me. Sadly, no.

The good news is that I started the Lexapro. I am experiencing the oh, so fun, side effect of night sweats. That coupled with being pre-menopausal makes for a sleeping challenge. Good-bye REM sleep, hello restless nights... However, I need some well deserved relief from the depression.

Just felt like sharing. That is all, carry on.

Hanging in there.......

I have discussed the following here, here, and here. I am still in the throes of it and still feeling a bit debilitated and overwhelmed by it all. I still have over a week to go before I can begin the Lexapro which I have heard from friends will be a big help. I am looking forward to that although I know it will take a while to get into my system. However, I am hoping the placebo effect of just knowing I am on the meds will kick in and help me out of this pit of despair.

I have been reading a blog that is truly speaking to me. I am sad for CP's personal struggle, yet I find solace knowing it's not "just me". To be quite honest, I truly am not so selfish as to think I am the only person who suffers. I know better than that. And I do not find relief in other people suffering. On the contrary, I feel their pain and regret that they too have to endure the emotional rollercoaster and the hurt that engulfs us.

I am grateful for the online friends who have come forward to tell me their experience with Lexapro and the differences it made for them. I can not thank them enough for sharing so that I can see a brighter side whilst I wade my way through the quagmire I am in.

I think today is just especially rough because 21 years ago today I finally escaped a college “boyfriend” that physically abused me. I still have the physical (and emotional) scars to prove it. This is always a rough time of year for me and it starts on September 13th and runs full throttle until January 2nd. It will take every fiber of my being to survive Christmas. What should be a happy time of year, and is for most, is a horrific time for me. I am completely overwhelmed during that season and look to it in dread.

The thing I am looking forward to most is the day I feel relief.

Reason 7,233,747 why I love my German

He has been so understanding, compassionate, caring, loving, giving, helpful, sincere, patient and a thousand other things while I have been fighting my latest round of depression. He will just hold me and wipe away the tears.

I am blessed.

Mother's little helper

I saw the doctor. I asked for help. I am the proud owner of a script for Lexapro. I have yet to take it. I am on a new round of antibiotics for the ever present UTI that will not vacate so I want to see how I react to this 30 day regimen of very strong drugs before I tackle a new anti-depressant.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, it ain't easy being me.

Depression - part deux

The beast has reared its ugly head once again… The depression is back and in full bloom. I can not seem to shake it and that makes it even worse.

There was no trigger… The German and I are doing well, Mama is still doing well from her cancer, Daddy is recuperating nicely from his surgery, job is good, no money worries… Grrrr, usually I can pinpoint something that got me going. This time, nada, zip, nothing. Not even a clue as to what the underlying issue may be (if there even is one).

It gets to be overwhelming. The depression can suffocate the good happening around me and snuff out the light. I do okay at work because I do not have time to deal with it while I am there. But once I get in the car to leave – BAM! Now I have time for the pain, damn it. The difficulty lies in that most of my time away from the office is spent in a daze. I have my good moments, moments I relish and am thankful for; however, the bad seems to overshadow the good more and more these past weeks.

Although there is such a pre-conceived notion about depression being a mental illness, I know better. I know what is wrong with me is a chemical imbalance in my brain, a physical ailment instead. So I have made an executive decision regarding this. One that I hope will be for the good. I am going back on my meds. I am doing so out of necessity because I do not like being this way nor is it fair to those that I love to have to deal with me in this condition. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to follow up on my holter monitor and am going to ask for a prescription tomorrow. Hopefully a happier Klinde will come as a result.

I tend to experience side effects on meds. Night sweats (which are particularly joyful now that I am pre-menopausal), lucid dreams (think Salvador Dali paintings) and sleeplessness… I have weighed the options and decided that I will just have to live through that part because what I am currently dealing with is too much for my curly head to wrap around itself.

I will keep you posted.

PS: Auntie D, if you read this, I did not call because it’s been hard on me to admit I need to get back on the meds. Sorry! Love you!

Pain in the neck....

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and kind words.

Daddy is out of surgery and all went well. He is currently still in recovery and should be moved into a room in the next hour or so. When that happens I am going to take my happy ass over to St. Thomas to pay him a visit.

Carry on…..

Thoughts...

I found out yesterday that my father is having surgery on Thursday. They did not tell me sooner since the Bubbie was here and I have a tendency toward the dramatic. Did I mention that I am only child who still has the umbilical cord firmly attached? Did I mention that I have truly saved his life before?

Shit.

Carotid on one side is blocked 75%... The other side was 95% back in the 90's and surgery was a success... With the notable exception of giving him penicillin which he is allergic to... Thanks Summit Medical Center.

They do not want me to go. They know I have had enough time off being sick myself with all my own problems. However, I am nervous. Who would not be? He's my father. He is a good man. A damn good man. Everyone should be so lucky to have the kind of father I have been blessed with in my life. True, faithful, generous, giving, loving, caring, gentle, understanding, compassionate... Thank you, God.

If you are the type, say a little prayer. If you are not the type, think good thoughts.

I love you, Daddy.

Edit: If you are family, apologies. Mama and Daddy decided not to pass this along to everyone. Please play along for his sake. Call me, not Mama. I will update the post tomorrow.

Love to you all in Texas and Louisiana. Hope TS Erin misses you all.

Count your gesegnets...

Gesegnet = blessing...

Count 'em, folks. They are plentiful even in your darkest moments.

Even when Mama was diagnosed with cancer, I was counting the blessings in my life. My faith and my family are amongst two of the largest. I am a fortunate person inasmuch that I not only love, but I also actually like my parents. I dig spending time with them. Unfortunately I can not right now because the German has the lingering effects of a cold he brought home last weekend and I still may be an incubator.

Can't be around the parents and the Nana if there is a chance I could get any of them sick. No germs from the German are to be shared in such a fashion.

So today I thought I would share funf (5) Gesegnets with you:

1. Being a complete bum all day was decadent and refreshing.
2. The mango margarita I had a lunch was quite the tasty treat.
3. Being rolled onto NiT today made me very happy!
4. The German and I have decided to quit smoking. Now we just have to pick our quit day.
5. I am almost ready for bed....

Even with a migraine, here is your word of the day

Schmerzen haben....

Means to be in pain... Migraines bite the big one and the Imitrex has yet to kick in after almost 24 hours. Me thinks it is bedtime....

Guten nacht!

Migraines and Homework and Tired, Oh My!

Today was not a good day. I was the lucky recipient of a migraine last night and today. Not just a run of the mill migraine where I suffer through my day at work only to come home and crawl into bed... But one of those full throttle migraines that include the oh, so lovely classic sympton of nausea... Yes, I spent last night and today thanking God the bathroom floor is cold.

I am finally back amongst the living having told myself if I do not get up (at 4:00ish) that I would wake up around 1:00a wondering what I should do with myself.

Thanks to Lynnster and GingerSnaps for the tutorial... I tried again; however, in my drugged state I failed my task. Ginger, I did drop you an email for further assistance, thanks.

Side note to Jentina, no, I do not have too much time on my hands. On the contrary, I am up to my neck with way too many things on my very heavy plate. Sorry to disappoint, Cuz! And yes, go Spurs! And love to all my Texas posse, miss you guys!

It's alive....

Have mercy on me... The German woke up from his latest nap and is now watching a bad movie... Not just a little bad, but REALLY, REALLY bad... What makes it worse is that his head cold has affected his hearing and I am being assaulted with how very LOUD the damned TV is... It is blaring and making my ears ring... Tinnitis anyone?

What happened to the sick German of earlier? The one who needed bed rest? Where did he go? I miss him because then it was peaceful and I could sit and listen to the blissful strains of the ipod... Gone is the quiet, relaxed atmosphere that the evil siamese and I were enjoying... Now it is time for the onslaught of some kung fu movie...

I would change rooms if the 'puter had a good set up. It's just much more physically comfortable to connect at the desk versus the dining room table. Unfortunately, it puts me in the bonus room along with the TV and Sneezy, the German non-dwarf. Maybe I should slip him a benadryl in a moment....