09 July 2007

You've got the rhythm, I've got the blues

There are days when I suffer almost uncontrollable depression. It does not usuallly pounce on me but instead tiptoes in and then infiltrates my entire being. Today is one of those days that it crept in gradually and latched on tight. There is not just a specific, on the contrary, today many deep, dark thoughts have been swirling around and consuming me. Generally when this occurs I turn to prayer, talk to trusted people in my circle or journal. Today I have chosen the latter.

You may ask what has triggered me today? Well gentle reader the list is long and I am in one of those gut-splling modes today. I am of the mind that if I recite the litany maybe I can crawl out of the hole I find myself in today.

Part one has been a build up. In mid May I had a falling out with someone I mistakenly thought was a good friend. She is very outspoken and has a tendency to be vindictive. I was so hurt by her actions that I have only been able to speak to her once since that time. I told her that I was hurt but she seemed to dismiss that and assumed things were status quo. I have been unable to speak to her since because I am frightened that all the pent up hurt I have will be unleashed and I will say something I will deeply regret. The bigger problem is that our husbands work together so I will have to see her at some point. I have to find someway to resolve this within myself so I can find peace. Maybe then I can deal with what happens the next time I see her face to face.

Part two is my nervous, anxious feeling about having the Bubbie here for two weeks. The Bubbie does not make me nervous; however, having him here when both the German and I have to work does. I am a step mom as I am unable to have children by strict instructions of my doctor. Inherting a child when he is four is difficult when you only gets him in small doses. I have had excellent counsel from Heather and am grateful. I am still wiggy because I have never had to worry about getting someone ready in the morning aside from myself. I know there are thousands upon thousands of people who accomplish this feat each and every day. Why am I freaking out it about it? No clue. I guess it is just a change in my morning routine. And not being a morning person makes it even more challenging to face. I am excited he is coming but overwhelmed by the thought of being a full time mom. I know I am a ninny and that is the smallest of my concerns because I know when I see his face I will melt like butter.

Part three is my car is acting ugly. Yep, it's a 15 year old Honda. Nope, I can not afford a new one right now so I have to make due. I am just getting nervous about the large funds (which I do not have) I will have to pay to keep it going another year or two until I can afford a new one. I know my parents would lend it to me but as a 41 year old woman I do not want to go that route unless I exhaust all other avenues.

Part four is Mama. As I have said before she has IIIB lung cancer and I worry about her all the time. Even though all the tests came back clean I still panic as I can not imagine a world without her in it. I pray each day that it will be a good day for her. But I still worry incessantly. At times it permeates my entire being.

All these thoughts are spiraling through my brain and, unfortunately, taking root. I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day. The good thing about a busy day at work is that I have little or no time to dwell on what ails me. It is when I get in the car to come home that I am possessed with the thoughts that rule my emotions.

Sorry to dump so much out there in bloggyland but I needed an avenue to vent and purge the nasties dancing around my head.


Ivy said...

*hugs* You've got a lot going on, I understand your depression. It will all be okay, it's just a struggle right now.

Ginger said...

You've got my virtual hugs, too, my friend. I really want to go out and get a beer with you soooon. Maybe reeallly soon?

Klinde said...

Ladies, you are so right. I know this will pass; however, I just needed to get it off of my chest.

My mom's baby sister (Auntie D) called shortly after I posted to boost me up.

And Ginger, you are on.... Beer really soon!

Sara Sue said...

*HUGS* from this side of the continent too! I think it's very sweet and telling that you're worried about your Mommy duties. Even though I don't know you personally, I know that you're a fighter and a loving person. I also know we'll be seeing funny, caring and lovely stories about Bubby soon. Hang in there and things will settle down. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Heather said...

The fact that you are an involved step parent speaks very highly of you. I know of many who won't be bothered with their spouse's children. It's not easy. I foresee our hardest years coming (she's 12 now), but so far I have been pleasantly surprised. I met her when she was four, as well.

Malia said...

Sign me up for beer, too!

Hope today was a better day :)

'Coma said...

I've been running in circles myself and I understand more than you will ever know.

I'm up for beer. Hell, I'm newscoma, part of my charm, or lack of.
Hugs my dear Klinde.

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