21 August 2007

Baby steps

I made a move today. Something that took some courage on my behalf. I called my best friend from high school, the matron of honor at my first wedding, someone I have not spoken to since November 1999 for reasons I will not disclose.

There was a disagreement (to say the very least). There were hurt feelings on both sides. There was yelling. A lot of yelling. There was death (her mom) and disease (my mom). I thought of her at times and wondered "what if".

Sometimes friendships made at the tender age of 13 carry on through out a life time. Other times they fizzle out. In my case, there was a flame... Bigger then than the fire that burned out from my divorce.

There was pain. There was tears. A hell of a lot of tears.

I saw a mutual friend Saturday. I proffered my number with a request for a call. I got the call today. I was not available. I texted. I got an answer. I have a knot in my stomach. Probably not a good thing for the raging blood pressure of late (although today was significantly lower than yesterday but still outrageous).

Am I being nostalgic? Or am I genuinely reaching out to make amends?

I do not expect the friendship of the past. Sometimes even true friendships fizzle. You outgrow one another or move on or are on different levels. However, you sometimes hold on to things just simply because of longevity and history. I do not consider that a friendship any longer. Just a weak attempt to either hold on to the past or out of a sense of obligation.

But I reached out nonetheless. She does not even know my last name now. That seems odd to me.

We have lived within 3 miles of one another since the day the music died. I have only seen her twice. Once while walking and the other time at a local store. Neither of us acknowledged the other.

I do not know what this means. I do not know why I felt this overwhelming feeling to reach out. I just know I did.

I am going to suggest a cocktail to "catch up". No idea what will happen. I'll keep you posted.


Ivy said...

Well, good job, man, and good luck. I hope it goes well.

jag said...

I have recently been back in touch with two girls with whom I thought future relationships were impossible. Time has passed, we're all more mature, time heals wounds, etc. We aren't to the point yet where we're talking about what happened, but I can definitely say that we're all very happy to be reunited. It's very hard to forget pasts, especially when pasts have been fond, save the occasion that drove you apart.

I'm behind your move 100%. Being nostalgic or making amends...either are worth it. I hope she responds in kind.

Ron said...

I agree with Jag and Ivy. It's worth it to try at least, if only for the sake of preserving what was.

Klinde said...

I agree with all three of you, yet I am scared. I have the scars to prove it.

However, I felt the need to reach out which must mean something.

What that something is, I do not know. I guess I have a calling to find out.

Kathy T. said...

This post packed a big punch for me. It has taken me a lifetime to figure out that whole schmarmy "seasons of friends" stuff. You know, some are here for a reason, some for a season, and others for life. It just seems weird when you have those who feel like lifetime friends and it turns out they're only there for a while- even when you've grown to love them - they can turn on you. I have no advice because if I did I'd follow it myself. Good luck.

malia said...

I hope it all works out for the best!