Random musings

I sent out a tweet out about this yesterday; however, I find it amusing that my cat, Scout has a blog and gets more traffic than I do. Apparently I am a crazy cat lady and there bunches of them out there. I mean I have seen some of the cat posts get more hits than Aunt B on a controversial subject.

Listen to my heart beat

It appears that what I thought was panic attacks was bouts of my blood pressure soaring. I have yet to have the feeling of my heart beating out of my chest and I’ll tell you it’s been of the good. Wow! What a difference 72 hours makes. That is how long I have been on my blood pressure medication. I have felt such relief. My BP has dropped significantly, I am sleeping better, there is not a pounding headache.

My only question is, can I keep the Xanax?

One more for the road...

One more photo from the Dragon Boat races on Saturday... This is a group shot of my entire team... Good times...

Dragon Breath

No, I do not actually have that... I brushed...

Yesterday, I participated in Nashville's first annual Dragon Boat race. I was on team "Marine Titans". We wore togas... Wanna see?





It was a long day at Riverfront park. We arrived at 7:20a and began our first of three races at 9:16a.

Out of four teams we came in third. Were we disappointed? Yeah, a little... However, we rallied on with our chant of "We didn't loose"... Uplifted our spirits... And there was a prize for best team spirit. What we lacked in racing skills and abilities, we compensated for in yelling, chanting, dancing, and overall silliness. I mean for the love of all that is good, we had on togas... Naturally we had a chant for that a la "Animal House".

We did much better in the second heat. We came in first out of three teams. We even made it into the Tennessean. If you biggify the photo you will see me. I am second on the left of boat two. And yes, I have a laurel wreath on my noggin...

The trophy for first is cool...



Our third race, we came in second. We finished overall somewhere in the middle of the pack; however, we did win the spirit award... Tickets for fifty to a Sounds game. Hope it is on thirsty Thursday!! We are already discussing strategy and options for next year. Hope you will come out and support us and cheer on my team. It's all good.

On a completely different subject, I was too tired today to make it to the MCB picnic and seemingly I missed woman versus nature. Hope you feel better soon!!

And while I am on roll with different subjects, I wanna send a little linky love to 'coma and Squirrel Queen regarding their new baby and the resurrection of Bat Boy.

Germany is in the UK, right?

Here is a lesson in geography for you all...

Server: "I love your accent."

The German: "Thank you."

Server: "Is there something going on here? I've seen so many of your people lately."

To borrow a phrase from my pal 'coma ** crickets **

Server: "What brought you here?"

Me: "To Waffle House?"

Server: "No, him... To America..."

Me: "Um, well he lives here and he is married to me, an American..."

Server: "Oh, well there has just been so many of them lately..."

Server: "How did you two meet?"

The German: "My brother introduced us."

At this point I make a mental note that I going to tell people we met at a bar last week and ran off to Vegas to elope or that I put an extra dollar in his G-string when he was performing with the Chippendale's and he was smitten. But alas, I had not had coffee yet so not all the synapses were firing and I could not verbalize this random thought...

Ten minutes pass...

Server: "I love English accents..."

Sigh....

Why I love the German reason number 7,337

When I post the photos, you will know what I mean... There is nothing like seeing my 200 pound 6 foot tall German in a toga.... Kinda sexy....

Last night he wanted to watch "Gladiator" to make certain our togas were "accurate". I love that man!

Home again, home again, jiggety jig....

Whew!!

Home from Nashville's first annual Dragon Boat races. We are freakin exhausted to say the least! Thank goodness for tents, bottled water and a breeze.

I will send out more love regarding this later as I am too tired to download photos. Our day started at 7:20a at Riverfront and we got home around 6:00p.

All good. More later.

Why don’t ya give me a ring?

Some things just annoy the hell out of me. Case in point, I am sitting at a restaurant and the cell phone of the yahoo next to me starts ringing. Okay, it did not actually ring, per se, it notified its owner (and the surrounding 20 or so tables) with a blood-curdling scream. I jumped when I heard it and I about lost it because it scared me so badly. I mean I would expect zombie freaks to have something like that, but not the dude next to me in his khakis and polo shirt – sheesh….

I heard another shrill one a while back that was of a baby crying. Not just a little sobbing but all out bawling. That one got me too because I was in an elevator and I certainly did not see the little tyke so it kinda weirded me out a bit. The very embarrassed person with this ring explained he had a new baby and that was his infant’s cry. I congratulated him on baby’s lung capacity once I regained my composure. I also told him wait until the kid’s about two and his cell phone will be someone yelling “NO” loudly and repeatedly.

Anyone else heard a cell phone ring that sets them on edge?

I made a move

In regards to the move I just made I got a response... A phone call... I let the unknown number go to voice mail. After listening to her message it was yesteryear hearing her voice. I got that funny pit in my stomach and did not immediately call back. Instead I texted as I was busy. Thank you, technology. I got a reply.

I called today. I told her I was sorry for the loss of her mother to cancer almost six years ago. I was close to her mother as she was to mine. She sincerely told me she was sorry Mama had cancer. We chatted amiably. It was easy to slip into the old routine of 20+ years of friendship (minus the almost eight since "the incident").

She mentioned our quarrel to say "water under the bridge".

I do not know where this is going. I do know where it has been. I do not want history repeated. To say it was ugly at the end is a gross exaggeration.

I am not going to suggest meeting. The ball is in her court. I am not sure if I am ready to trust again; however, I am truly sorry for her loss and want to know about her children. I want her to be happy. Whether or not this is salvageable is still vague.

I will let you know.

Baby steps

I made a move today. Something that took some courage on my behalf. I called my best friend from high school, the matron of honor at my first wedding, someone I have not spoken to since November 1999 for reasons I will not disclose.

There was a disagreement (to say the very least). There were hurt feelings on both sides. There was yelling. A lot of yelling. There was death (her mom) and disease (my mom). I thought of her at times and wondered "what if".

Sometimes friendships made at the tender age of 13 carry on through out a life time. Other times they fizzle out. In my case, there was a flame... Bigger then than the fire that burned out from my divorce.

There was pain. There was tears. A hell of a lot of tears.

I saw a mutual friend Saturday. I proffered my number with a request for a call. I got the call today. I was not available. I texted. I got an answer. I have a knot in my stomach. Probably not a good thing for the raging blood pressure of late (although today was significantly lower than yesterday but still outrageous).

Am I being nostalgic? Or am I genuinely reaching out to make amends?

I do not expect the friendship of the past. Sometimes even true friendships fizzle. You outgrow one another or move on or are on different levels. However, you sometimes hold on to things just simply because of longevity and history. I do not consider that a friendship any longer. Just a weak attempt to either hold on to the past or out of a sense of obligation.

But I reached out nonetheless. She does not even know my last name now. That seems odd to me.

We have lived within 3 miles of one another since the day the music died. I have only seen her twice. Once while walking and the other time at a local store. Neither of us acknowledged the other.

I do not know what this means. I do not know why I felt this overwhelming feeling to reach out. I just know I did.

I am going to suggest a cocktail to "catch up". No idea what will happen. I'll keep you posted.

Dragonheart? Dragon breath? No, Dragon Boat....

I mentioned last month that I would be competing in a Dragon Boat Race. Well, we practiced last night and are all set for the races Saturday, August 25th at Riverfront Park.

The German and I are none the worse for wear. We are on my team, the “Marine Titans”. So if you are of the mind to join the fun, come on down to Riverfront Park on Saturday. Our first race is at 9:00a and we could definitely use a Woot from the crowd!!!

Complete and utter panic!

I am in the midst of an uncontrollable panic attack. There is nothing that has happened to trigger it. I can not control it and my heart is beating out of my chest. I took a walk to the CVS by my office and they have a monitor there. My pressure was 170/100!!! It’s usually like 90/60 so the feeling that it is about to beat out of my chest is not just in my mind. It’s kind freaking me out (which, of course, fuels the panic attack).

I have really thought about what could be the cause…. Parents are doing well, husband and I are fine, money is not a problem, no issues at work, and nothing should be causing such a tremendous bout with this.

I have experienced this before; however, I can generally pin point some cause, a reasoning behind it. When that is the case I am usually able to find some clarity to help myself get over it. That is not the case today. And since I am struggling to determine the source it sort of fuels it even more so.

I have had a Xanax. Only one as I need to be able to be fully functional at work and I will need to drive the 20 miles home. I have an obligation at 6:00p tonight to practice for the Dragon Boat race this weekend so I do not have the luxury of going home and attempting to meditate and relax.

Ugh! This is of the suck

I was there for the beer....

The German and I met up with 'coma, Squirrel Queen, Badger, and Ivy at South Street for a little grub and a beer... Then we headed over to Cafe Coco to hear Ivy's and Kat's presentation at Bar Camp. I HAD to be part of the "Woot" section for them.

Shortly after their presentation, we sat in the hot, hot, hot and had a bit more beer and talked. I met ghia and so many others that I would be linking all night to get them in!! However, if I did not mention that I met the the awesome Grace I would be remiss. I mean how do you not send a little link love to such a cool person?

After our time on the patio we headed out for some Mexican and more beer... Did I mention there was beer?

The German and I had a blast. Looking forward to the next adventure...

Pain in the neck....

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and kind words.

Daddy is out of surgery and all went well. He is currently still in recovery and should be moved into a room in the next hour or so. When that happens I am going to take my happy ass over to St. Thomas to pay him a visit.

Carry on…..

Thoughts...

I found out yesterday that my father is having surgery on Thursday. They did not tell me sooner since the Bubbie was here and I have a tendency toward the dramatic. Did I mention that I am only child who still has the umbilical cord firmly attached? Did I mention that I have truly saved his life before?

Shit.

Carotid on one side is blocked 75%... The other side was 95% back in the 90's and surgery was a success... With the notable exception of giving him penicillin which he is allergic to... Thanks Summit Medical Center.

They do not want me to go. They know I have had enough time off being sick myself with all my own problems. However, I am nervous. Who would not be? He's my father. He is a good man. A damn good man. Everyone should be so lucky to have the kind of father I have been blessed with in my life. True, faithful, generous, giving, loving, caring, gentle, understanding, compassionate... Thank you, God.

If you are the type, say a little prayer. If you are not the type, think good thoughts.

I love you, Daddy.

Edit: If you are family, apologies. Mama and Daddy decided not to pass this along to everyone. Please play along for his sake. Call me, not Mama. I will update the post tomorrow.

Love to you all in Texas and Louisiana. Hope TS Erin misses you all.

Word Nerd

I enjoy some words just because of how the sound. For example: periwinkle, conundrum, onomatopoeia, steatopygious…. If you do not know what these mean then you need to look them up. Seriously, because I am not going to tell you. I am a bitch in that way.

Bad dreams

I had a nightmare. You know how it goes... Wakes you up breathless with your heart pounding...

I dreamed Mama survived cancer only to die in a car wreck. I even vividly remember hearing about it on the radio on my way to work... Wreck at Broadway, fatality involved... Missed call on my cell from Daddy... I was in too much traffic on 440 to answer. Got to work and realized I missed another call... Still too busy to call back.

She's good, thank goodness. And whether you believe it or not, there has been occasions my nightmares come true. I know she is not headed down that route soon. Of. The. Good.

News you can use

I learned something valuable while the Bubbie was here… No matter how much a seven year old begs, it is NOT a good idea to let them have 5 popsicles in a 2 hour period.... Especially not starting at 8:00p....

Lesson learned…. The hard way…

Ivy's Interview

I was interviewed by the great and powerful Ivy. Here’s what she had to say:

Muahahaha, time for the really WEIRD questions. ;) First, C&P this shit so people know the rules:

Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.” I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don’t have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Now, for the questions:

1. Which would be more awesome, a castle in England, or a house on the beach in Tahiti?

Oh, both would be phenomenal; however, I am not allowed to answer in such a manner. So now that I have my big girl panties on I will have to say since I have been to England three times (of course there was no castle involved although there should have been – hee) a house on the beach in Tahiti. I have always wanted to go there because it looks so freaking gorgeous!

I believe if I had the financial ability that I could easily become a beach bum. Hell, even without money I could do it; however, having a little $$$ would definitely make it a tad better.

2. What is your worst habit?

Oh, juicy question!! It would have been good to ask my weirdest one as well. I have a raging case of OCD. Hmmm…..

• I overanalyze EVERYTHING.
• I smoke.
• I leave most of my shoes in the kitchen – drives my hubby nuts!
• I am very intolerant of some things and it is VERY obvious, even if you do not know me very well.
• I am a rambler and do not know when to shut up.

I think my worst one though is that I have zero patience. It kinda bleeds onto other aspects of my life. I can be selfish and the zero patience aspect amplifies that bad habit. I am like a Ferrari and can go from 0 to Bitch in 2.3 seconds.

I learned the hard way to not pray for patience because He works in mysterious ways and has a wicked sense of humor. He likes a good practical joke.

3. You can invite any 4 people in the entire world to dinner (they have to be alive, this isn't one of those living or dead questions). The catch is, you also have to invite me to dinner. Who would you invite, knowing I might just embarrass you just for the hell of it?

Damn, I know if I could invite the dead it would be either Mother Theresa or Pope John Paul II….. Not because I think it would stop you from embarrassing me, because if I know you, I bet that wouldn’t stop you. It would probably just mean you wouldn’t drop an “ F “ bomb – LOL.

So on to the real question at hand:

Eric Clapton. From Blind Faith to Cream to Derrick and the Dominos… I love him. I wouldn’t just have him over for dinner I would actually have him FOR dinner. He is my guitar hero. When I watch him live I am completely mesmerized. It is as though the guitar is his lover and he is making love. I need a cigarette now, please.

Amy Tan. “The Joy Luck Club” is one of my favorite books. The entire story is a spell-binding tale of mother/daughter dynamics played out by four separate pairs of mothers and daughters. It is funny where appropriate and heart-wrenching as well. It makes you want to call mama and tell you love her. The movie is pretty good as well. I think I will probably watch it tonight now that I think about it.

JJ Abrams. I want to pick his brain for more information on “Lost”. I want to discuss theories, concepts, plot lines, characters. I want to find out why the hell it goes on hiatus for eight months… I need a 12 step program….

Garrison Keiler. I love his story-telling ability. If there were a lull in the conversation he would be there to help pick it up and delight us with a tale of Guy Noir, Private Eye. Or he could spin a yarn to keep you, Amy and Jerry busy while I seduce Eric. See? I am thinking ahead!

4. If you were a fictional character, who would you be?

Immediately what popped into my mind is Scout from “To Kill a Mockingbird”. That stuck as I contemplated other fictional characters like Hermione… Scout won. Ironically, that is my cat’s name and who she is named for as well. I still believe that “To Kill a Mockingbird” is one of the most important and influential books about discrimination and the ramifications that come from it. Scout is THE heroine in this piece. She is all things I like about strong females, stubborn, outspoken, crafty, curious, intelligent, fearless, but mostly she is a loving human. She has an incredible role model in Atticus. In Depression era Alabama, she does not see the color of Calpurnia’s skin. Instead she sees a strong, loving woman who takes care of her and Jem’s needs.

When I need a pick-me-up, I read this. I probably have read it a hundred times. Just remember the sage advice of Atticus Finch… “Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird."

5. What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?

Someone got busted with the book “Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex but Was Afraid to Ask”. She was 6 and I was 7. She completely lied and said it was mine. I had to have an hour long discussion about sex and masturbation with her mom. Mind you, I was not really certain what sex was at that time and was utterly CLUELESS as to what masturbation was either. I was completely mortified while she explained everything to me. She did so in a very loving manner; however, I could still smack my cousin for putting me through such an ordeal. I am still pissed off about that. Guess I should add “holds a grudge” to the bad habit list….

Center Piece of your family

Reason number 1,107,727 why I love the German...

A little over three years ago, my parents called me, their only child, regarding an important issue... They wanted to move Nana here from San Antonio. She was about to turn 84.

This was way before the cancer diagnosis, and Mama gave her two options. Move here before Christmas 2004 or after Easter 2005. Pick one. She chose the latter.

I had no problem saying move her here. It was understood that Nana would live her final years with Mama and Daddy. Completely unspoken. Trust me, I lived close enough to her most of my life to know the drill.

Of course I had no issue. I know she is is aging. I know that encompasses change. I know that she has survived two husbands. I know she is a strong, proud woman. The youngest of a group of sisters. She grew up poor. She raised five children. She has eight grandchildren. She does crossword puzzles in black ink. She had a rotary dial phone. She plays a mean game of canasta. She rocks.

She turned 86 today. She was a widow for the first time at 42. I will be 42 next year and that fact scares the shit out of me. She was widowed again shortly before her 80th birthday.

She is a strong woman. She is a beautiful woman. Did I mention she still does crossword puzzles in ink?

So anyway, when Mama and Daddy had the family meeting (yes, we really do have family meetings) to let me know they wanted to move her here (we are still a family democracy so my vote counts) I said yes. They asked me what the German thought. Honestly, his opinion never crossed my mind. Sorry, this was about my Nana. I grew up with her, he didn't. It may be wrong, but it's the truth. We (Mama, Daddy and I) made a decision, wasn't that all that mattered? Mama in her ever politically correct way told me the German now had a vote. We lived together then, not yet engaged. I was planning a future with him. It mattered. His answer? The title of the blog. He told me that if Mama. Daddy and I were run over by a truck, his job was her. To take her back to her biological family unless she wanted him to be the care taker.... The answer is, she loves him, but no. Get her to Texas.

So in a REALLY roundabout way, happy 86th birthday. You are the oldest person the Bubbie knows. You are the cornerstone of the "M" family. You are still a card shark. You still have the same laugh. You are still the same woman who could not get out of the wheelchair since Mama threatened you (insert "M" family joke). You still made me eat lemon egg (Jentina, I am looking at you).

You are the cornerstone of our family.

Thank your parents!

Seriously. Quit reading and call your parents. Tell them thank you. Being a parent is HARD WORK and do not let anyone tell you otherwise!!

Biologically the Bubbie is not mine. Emotionally and mentally he is 100%. I can not physically have biological children; however, I have the best of both worlds when it comes to the Bubbie... An incredibly brilliant, articulate, amazing, beautiful human being to laugh with and share secrets. To snuggle with, to see things in a perspective I have not in decades. But mostly to love.

I am wiped out. The energy he exudes seems directly correlated to the energy that is sucked out of me. No, I am not complaining. He is worth it. Being physically drained at work is a fair trade for the joy that bubbles out of watching him delight in the little things. His laugh is lyrical, magical and creates a feeling I have no way to describe in words... All I can say is it makes me feel even more alive. Like I can feel everything to the highest degree and see it all over again as if it were new to me as well.

He is only here until August 12th. So much to do, so little time.

Parents everywhere, KUDOS! There is a special place in Heaven just for you... What a blessing!!