Life as I know it...

I have written abundantly about my depression and my mother's cancer. I have shared with you all many things. Some know and some do not, that I was laid off over 28 weeks ago. The German and I are struggling. I know many are too in this economy. I know we are fortunate that we are current on our bills except for one (sorry Sprint) because the mortgage comes first as it is where we live.

To say my depression is under control is a complete and utter lie. The truth be told, we can not afford the $90/month script so I have to deal to pay other things. The depression runs rampants and messes with my head. There are times I can not control it and it leads me to be more negative than the situation is. It is of the suck... Only quoting my German on that one.

Speaking of my German, he does not completely grasp our situation. He thinks money in the bank is salvation. He quite possibly thinks it grows on trees or that my parents are millionaires. He does not know or understand where the cashflow comes from... Nor whom I have had to ask for it or the two 401k's I have cashed out to keep us afloat.... He merely sees $$$ and not the bills that will follow. I love him but want to hit him along side the head with something heavy and yell "wake up"!!! "We have no f'ing money"! We are lucky not to foreclose. I hide whatever money I can from him. He found a small stash and I ate spaghettios as a result.


He travels for a living most of the time. So his is a life of wine and roses. He eats well and I think the dollar menu at a fast food restaurant (if you can even call that a restaurant) is a treat. I have a loaf of bread and peanut butter (not of the recalled kind) to suppliment me. I am treated out for dinner with my parents on occasion but always order the cheapest thing since they are retired. I know they mean well, but they should not be spending extra on me.

But, gentle reader, I want you to know something..... Something of importance.... I am blessed. My unemployment has been a blessing because it brought me back to the Church. And the blessings from returning have been 1000 fold.

Yes, I am struggling. No, it won't be forever. I refuse to be a statistic in the foreclosure department. I am better than than and will do what it takes. But I have learned a lesson. And I have become closer to God. For that I am not sorry at all.

My thoughts on the past six months

My last hiatus is my previous post. To say that my life has been tumultuous is a vast understatement. As previously posted, I was laid off on 8/25. Am I gainfully employed yet? Uh, no.... There have been offers that I declined for various reasons, not a good fit, the salary was completely unacceptable, etc, etc.... Hindsight can be a bitch and I wonder if I was mistaken in not taking something but I go forward. I have a second and third interview next week that completely excite me. In all honesty it is the first opportunity that excites me and that I actually want! I won't go into detail; however, if you are the praying type, I would appreciate it; otherwise, positive vibes are also accepted.

My depression has run rampant. Unfortunately my lack of a decent paycheck has caused a budget short fall on the homefront. Cuts were made and my script for anti-depressants was a victim. Somehow electricity and food won. Crazy, huh? Pun DEFINITELY intended....

To say we are struggling financially is an understatement. I have barrelled through two 401k accounts to avoid foreclosure. That is not an option. But I am scraping the bottom. March's mortgage is in the bag, it is April that I dread. Plus I learned from taking out the 401k accounts we actually OWE the government close to $1k. It will work itself out somehow. I have faith in the Lord above. Even if I have to wait tables at the local IHOP to make it, I will do what I have to do. I am not too proud to keep us afloat. I will be 43 on 4/3 and the last thing I want to do is move back in with my parents. Not that they have the room for us anyway, Daddy would have to give up his computer room... And I am certain they do not want three more tenants because the kitty is a non-negotiable roomie as well.

As if there is not enough rain on my parade Mama has had a recurrence. She has a new spot on what is left of her left lung. It is resting on her pulmonary artery. She had a biopsy in January. There were complications a few days later which resulted in a four day stint at Vandy. They only told me about it because a friend of theirs convinced them to. They did not want to worry me. Like I don't worry about the beast each and every day coming back and claiming my mother. WTF? To top it off, there is a pinpoint spot on her right lung as well. She outlived her original diagnosis by almost a year now. The spot on the left is inoperable and she is not a candidate for radiation. Both are due to the scarring from the previous surgery and radiation. Three passes were attempted to accurately biopsy the spot to no avail. Since it is wrapped around the pulmonary artery it was far too risky to try further. She developed a pulmonary pneumothorax. She looked like Quasimodo. Medical students and interns alike all looked at the wonder of her fist sized hump. Sheesh. My mother lived a "Grey's Anatomy" moment without a single visit from McDreamy. The course of treatment is "wait and see". Did I ever mention that I am completely inpatient? My attention span can last anywhere from one to sixty seconds barring anything shiny being dangled in front of me.

Gentle reader, there is a positive in all of this.... on 9/7/08, Ambie and the chef welcomed their first child, my niece, Ela. She is beautiful, healthy, and completely adorable. The German is visiting them as I type this as he is traveling on business and made a short detour to meet the newest addition to the family. He has smothered her in kisses and refuses to give her to either parent. As gruff as my German can be, he is a total sucker for babies and children adore him. I would have loved to have made the trip with him but the seeking of employment is an impediment. I know the chef and Ambie understand and Ela is too young to know the difference. But I want to be part of her life and will!

So, that is all the news fit to print. I have missed you Bloggyland. I have renewed my Visa and plan to visit more often.

Six months later, she emerges.....

To say I have been on hiatus is a HUGE understatement. Life has a tendency to get in the way and this has been no different. It has been an eventful six months with both good and bad experiences.

Let's tackle the bad first....

My family experienced two losses of loved ones. The first was my Auntie D's hubby who passed away on June 22nd. Please keep her in your prayers as this has been a very difficult time.

The family's second loss was on September 18th. That is the day that Papa, my German's father, died peacefully in his sleep. Both deaths were completely unexpected and both have had huge impacts on loved ones. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to meet him when we went to Germany last year. To say my hubby was a wreck was an understatement. Thankfully we were able to get him to Germany in time for the funeral and to spend some time with his mother.

Also on the bad is I was laid off from my job on 8/25. Currently I am temping at a company that I would love to get on with full time. Right now the temp gig is going to run through the end of the year most likely. At least it pays the bills.

My well documented depression has gone into overdrive from the stress related above; however, the meds are doing what they are supposed to and keeping me on a somewhat even keel versus what could be full-blown, crawl under a rock and pray for death option. Of course I opt for being even keeled instead. It is much better compared to the curl up and suck your thumb version.

On the upside, my Mama's cancer is still 100% gone. Her last visit with the awesome Dr. Putnam of Vanderbilt went very well and he was very positive that she was clean. Her original diagnosis was two years. Well that was two years, seven months ago.... Her odds improve with each and every day of being a statistic for good, not evil and for that I am eternally grateful.

Also during my hiatus, mein Deustcher and I celebrated our second anniversary. There are times that it feels we have been married forever and other times that it is as if we just did so yesterday. I don't know what that means; however, that is the only way I can explain it. So sorry if it makes no sense because it makes sense to me.

There have been lessons learned during this time. My total lack of patience has been tested but somehow I made it through. My ADHD has been put through the ringer and I have still come out none the worse for wear; however, at the time I thought it would be the end of me.

During this time I have reflected on where I want to go and what I want to do as a person. I have worked on my marriage, my people skills, dealing with my depression and trying to learn to focus. Unfortunatly that does not always go as planned and for a while there I was shamelessly hooked on Pogo games. I still have very weak moments where I can play for hours and have nothing to show for it. But I have over 3 million tokens so it certainly is not a "total" waste...

So to all my blogging buddies, I am back. I have missed you. I have not had time to catch up on blogs as when I go on hiatus, I really go all out.

Mental constipation

I have not been blogging as much as I would like to. That is not to say there have not been things happening which would make for good blog fodder, it is more along the lines that I am mentally constipated and can not seem to get any of the ideas out… Unfortunately there is not a Dulcolax for the brain, so in a manner of speaking, I have been shit outta luck…

If I can manage a brain dump (put most definitely intended) then I will back to entertain the three readers I have with my witty repartee and amazing story telling abilities (feel free to laugh).

However, something happened just two days ago that I felt compelled to share… It, of course, involves my German.

To say that mein Deutscher is bad with money is a gross understatement. His idea of checking the balance is to drive through ATM and see what it reads. That is the balance he goes by. Even if I explain that there is $700 but $600 will be out in bills all he sees is a $700 balance and thinks it is fine to hit the fast cash option of $100 bucks and be on his merry way. That, of course, wreaks havoc on our finances and leaves us with a negative balance and then money will have to be transferred from savings to take care of his faux pas. He is notorious for this. It has caused major disagreements between us. I have tried to explain it to him to no avail.

Fast forward to two days ago… My German was on a business trip in Florida. I told him he could take out $30 dollars for spending money. Of course all things such as his hotel, food and gas are covered, but in case he wanted a beer, he needed a little pocket money. So yesterday as I check the online balance, I see he saw fit to take out $60 instead of the $30 I allotted for him. Being the miserly wife that I am I called him in Florida to see what the deal was…. He said the ATM did not give him an option for $30 so he took $60 instead. I calmly asked why he did not type in a dollar amount and he could not give me a good answer. He spent $5 to get a pack of smokes (yes, I know we need to quit, but that is not the point here). The rest of the cash (2 twenties, a ten and a five) were tucked under the garage door opener clipped to the visor. Well my German decided since it was such a lovely day, he would cruise around with the windows open….

Let me tell you that lightweight cash versus the wind of two open windows in a Ford F250 going 70 down the highway will always loose…. Yes, the 2 twenties went flying out the window….

My husband LITERALLY threw money out the window!!

He’s lucky I love him so….

42 years in the making....

I sit here today pondering my 42 years on this planet. Yes, today is my birthday. I was born on April 3, 1966. It was a Palm Sunday in San Antonio, Texas where I made my debut. Believe it or not I had enough hair to pull up when I finally decided to enter the world.

I am an only child. I know, I know, there are so many clichés that go with that title. Yes, I am a tad bit spoiled even in my 40s. Don’t be hating on me because of it. I try not to ask for many things; however, my parents are very generous and I am very blessed. In all honesty, if the Lord asked me to pick any two people in the world to be my parents, I would have selected them. They are loving, loyal, compassionate, faithful, honest, caring people. I could use a thousand more positive things to describe them; however, I won’t. It would take pages to describe what good souls they both are and continue to be.

I have a multitude of first cousins. I am close to some but not all of them. It is a large generation gap in that some of my first cousins are actually older than my father. Kinda weirds me out when I think about it…. My paternal grandmother had her first child in 1915 and my Daddy, who is the baby, came along in 1939. Kinda all spread out… My maternal grandmother (Nana) gave birth to five children. My Mama is the middle child. They are a little spread out in that my youngest Aunt (Auntie D) is 11 years younger than Mama and 11 years older than me. She is like my big sister. I am grateful for her and love her tremendously.

Over the course of my 42 years I have learned many life lessons. Lessons that I would like to share with you now. So without further adieu let’s get started, shall we?

Do not under any circumstances define yourself by who you are in a relationship with at all! There was a time that people only knew me as Mrs. (name of first husband here) and did not actually know my name. It bothered me but not enough to speak up. Now I know better. I am not Mrs. or Frau (Mein Deutscher). I am Klinde, but you all know that’s not my real name but I digress…

Do not let people take advantage of you. Too many times I was burned because I would allow people to walk all over me. I was too intimidated to speak up for fear they would no longer like. I had the mad desire to please everyone all the time and would let people run me over. Now I speak up and make my voice heard and if someone disagrees or doesn’t want to be around me because of it, so be it. At least I got it off of my chest and I can not sit and sulk or worry over it.

Learn to handle money. I was a victim of credit abuse. I loved the instant purchasing power that Visa gave me. I fell into debt that was in the five figure category. Thanks to my gracious parents, they bailed me out, not once, not twice, but three times. I no longer have any type of credit card because I know I can not control myself with them. If I can’t pay for it with cash, then I can’t have it, plain and simple. No, I did not learn this from Dave Ramsey, I did this on my own because I know how I am.

You have no biological children, so what? Yes, I know that a big dream of mine was to have a bunch of rug rats. God had a different plan for me. I do not understand it; however, I do accept it because He knows better than I. The caveat is that I hate not giving my parents a grandchild because that was always a dream of theirs. My bloodline ends with me. It is a depressing thought but one that I will live with gracefully. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally in love with my seven year old step son, but wanted one of my very own. I think most women feel that need to be a mom but it just wasn’t in the cards for me.

I have a very addictive personality. Admittedly so, and I am still a work in progress on this one. There are many hurdles. When I say addictive it does not refer to drugs and alcohol, but a multitude of sins. My current addiction is playing games online. Past addictions have included cross-stitching, pottery, UT football, needlepoint, and decorating just to name a few…

So after 42 years I would like to say I have learned a little something about this thing we call life. Hopefully there will be more valuable lessons learned as I venture on my path.

Same time last year....

At this time last year I had the good fortune to go to Hamburg, Germany to finally meet my husband’s parents. It is still hard for me to believe it has been a year since our adventure. I was waxing nostalgic and decided to give you a little tour of what we did while we were there. Enjoy…


This is my in-law's home. It is quaint and cozy. It is not the home my German grew up in; however, it is on the same road.



Prosit! This is my German and me toasting. We are at a nice restaurant we found on a side trip to Berlin. Excellent food, excellent bier and excellent company as Ambie and the Chef joined us on this excursion.



While in Berlin we did A LOT of walking and "touristy" things... Here I am touching part of what is left of the wall. It was electric to me to touch such a thing...



This is my favorite photo of the entire trip. It is of Brandenburger Tor otherwise known as the Brandenburg Gate.



This is my German and me. This is from St. Patty's day. We are enjoying Celtic music, wonderful food and incredible bier.



This is just a lovely building in Bergedorf. Bergedorf is a suburb of Hamburg and is the largest area near the village my German was raised in.



Here I am catching a little lip action with my German. We are about to enter a courtyard of a castle in Bergedorf. If you click here you will see a bit more about Bergedorf and the Schloss Bergedorf where the photo was taken.



This is my German and I on our last full day in Germany. Unbeknownst to us, my mother-in-law arranged for us as well as Ambie and the Chef to have our wedding vows renewed. She did this in part because she was unable to attend either of our weddings.



Two or three times a year, there is a huge carnival in Hamburg. There are rides, souvenier stands and scrumptious goodies (not to mention bier, gluhwein and many other tasty libations). The food at this is nothing like carnival food here.... No corn dogs and funnel cakes... Instead there are brats, potatoes, yummy pork, crepes, and too many other things to mention for fear of my waistline expanding.



This is a Hummel, the water carrier. These guys are all over the place and we photographed ourselves with as many as we saw. When you see him, you are supposed to say "Hummel, Hummel" and he would reply "Mors, Mors".



Here we are kicking back in an eis cafe (ice cream parlor). We are sitting in a spot where a photo was taken of the arcade style of this shopping center. The photo I am speaking of is in a book about Hamburg that my German brought with him when he moved to the U.S. eleven years ago. I would look at the photo and say "I want to go there". So he brought me



This is the inside of a beautiful church in Bergedorf. Schwester, my German's baby sister, actually got married in this place!! It was built in the 1400's... Awesome!



There was a rule about food whilst in Germany. Thank goodness I am an adventurous eater or I would have been shit outta luck.... This is me kissing the head of a smoked eel. That was the tastiest thing I had while I was there (except for bier, duh!). I am kissing it to thank it for giving the ultimate sacrifice for my dining pleasure. I won't go into detail about the couple of things I would never eat again because it will just make me gag. Suffice it to say, they were quite nasty and I would be fine to never have them again.



My trip down memory lane is complete. Thanks for tagging along!

WTF?????

So my German is working a show for his company. It is a huge show that has over 1500 vendors and he is in charge of the crew for his company. He has been working 12-16hour days for the past three weeks without a day off. He is exhausted but happy as he is a work horse and thrives under that type of situation. His work ethic is phenomenal to say the very least. The company mein Deutscher works for is, ironically, a German based company (go figure). He is employed by the North American headquarters. The home office is located close to the Frankfurt/Cologne area.

With that being said, he was approached by someone from the German-based operations regarding what he is doing here in the good ole U.S. of A. That person wants him to consider doing the same thing for the international company. Did I mention that this would probably base him out of the Frankfurt office???

Gentle reader, if you have been following me for any length of time you know that I attempted German lessons and failed miserably. I have no aptitude for the Germanic language. I perpetually sound as though I have a hair ball when trying to enunciate the few words I know. How in the hell would I be able to live in country where I can not speak the language? Furthermore, how would I survive being seven time zones away from my parents? Hell, I am only seven miles away from them right now and that is fine by me. I don't know what I would do to have that much distance between us. I am an only child and have an incredible relationship with them. Their health has been an issue for the past couple of years and I do not think I could handle being separated from them by the Atlantic.

I am at a loss. I am confused and frightened by the entire prospect. It is a huge compliment to my husband that the efforts he puts forth have been recognized on a very high level. I appreciate that and love him all the more for it. However, what about me?! I love visiting Germany but to live there? I am making lists of pros and cons. I am thinking. I spent an hour with Daddy this morning discussing this. I am praying. Lord knows I need His divine guidance.

Finally some good news!!

Since it has been such a "woe is me" blog as of late with news of my depression and my mono, it is wonderful to report there is happy news for my family... Very happy!

I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT AGAIN!!!!!!!!

Yes, you heard me right! I called the chef on the 20th as it was his 43rd birthday. The chef is Mein Deustcher's little brother. The chef told me that Ambie is 2 months preggers!! I am so excited!!! I am so happy for them because I know this is something they have both wanted!

Yay!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

To my husband whom I love with my whole heart...

I wish you a happy Valentine's day my love. I pray that you and I will grow old together and be even more in love than we are now.

You have my heart and I love you dearly and completely. I thank God you are mine.

Sicky poo

Seems I like I am always blogging about being sick or depressed or something that always is a downer. I can't believe I have contracted mono for a third time at 41 years old!! I am wiped out.... And believe me, that is an understatement! I slept about 35 hours this weekend. I am still going to work. I can barely keep my eyes open now and it is only 7:30. I am trying to stay awake to watch my favorite show but it does not come on until 9:00 so I may not make it. I am a dud.

Truly, I have become my cat. Only I am getting a mere 10 hours of sleep a day.

The poor German is relegated to all household duties. Cooking, cleaning, doing my bidding. I try not to take advantage; however, I am so freaking tired that I can barely manuever the stairs after an 8.5 hour day at work. Thankfully my boss is understanding and suggested (as did the doc) that I take a week or two off to recover properly. That is not my style. I need to go to work and do my job.

I feel like I have been given a megadose of phenergan after taking a handful of Tylenol PM chased by a glass full of vodka. That is how tired I feel.

I tend to get bleary-eyed just walking around. Supposedly I should begin to feel better in 2 - 6 weeks. Look out, come Easter I should be raring to go.

I really should not complain, it could be so much worse. But you know how that goes... Whatever is wrong with you at the time seems like the worse thing ever. Right now I just want to curl up and sleep until March. That might make it all better.

A journey begins with the first step

When I wallow in my depression I tend to do serious thinking as well. I try focusing on the positive aspects of my life and not dwell in the negatives. It can be difficult but the effort eventually pays off with a bit of respite from the doom and gloom I am mired in. With that being said I have been thinking about my spirituality and my faith.

I was born and raised Catholic. When I do manage to attend, I am still Catholic. My parents and Nana are all practicing Catholics. The German was born and raised Catholic as well. That makes for an easier piece in our marriage as we have very similar beliefs and were raised in the same faith.

Lately I have been putting my spiritual self to the side. I have not been feeding it as it should be. I have not protected it nor sheltered it. I have let it drift. I believe that there are three parts to each of us that must be maintained: Spiritual, mental and physical. I am working on both the mental and physical aspects by trying to get a handle on my depression and by loosing almost fifty pounds in the past two years. I am proud of the weight loss. It was a long process as I did not gain that much overnight; therefore, I should not expect to loose it instantly. However, that is now what this is about… As usual, I digress.

I realize that my journey is not on the correct path. That I have slipped from where I need to be in my walk with God is an understatement. I have not spent the time in prayer and meditation that I used to. I have not been speaking to God about blessings. It has merely been all about me and what He can do for me. There is no other way to put it… I have been a selfish Christian.

I do not like the hollow feeling that gives me. I worry about getting back on track and living what I believe not just thinking about it. I miss the high I get from feeling at one with God after prayer. I miss going to church. That is something the German and I agreed we would do as husband and wife and it has been over a year since either of us set foot in Cathedral. I worry about both of us spiritually. Yes, we say blessings together before meals. Yes, we pray together about certain things but mostly our faith is our own personal belonging.

I need to refocus and redirect my life back onto my spiritual path and back to the Lord. I need to rededicate my life to Him. I know in my heart if I do so all the other things which are overwhelming now will become trivial if I have the courage and faith to put them into His hands. I need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

Christmas is over

I never intended to take this long of a break. Life has a habit of getting in the way. Not to mention the whirlwind of emotions which overwhelm me during the Christmas season. The depression took hold with grip like a falcon’s talons. It dug its mighty claws into me and would not release. Faith and prayer is what it took to survive until January 2nd for the season to be at an end and for a semblance of normalcy to return. Not that I had a bad season, on the contrary, it was okay except for the massive dips in emotion. Unless you experience it, it is difficult to explain that there is beauty and good amongst the ugly and bad. That is what keeps you sane even if only dangling by a thread.

That; however, is not what this is about. This is about the positive aspects that come out of living through the darkness. It is the tidbits of joy that you find that help you to focus and hold on. It is experiencing truly beautiful moments with family that you cling to and file away for another time to relive over and over again. It is time with friends that you hold dear to your heart and that you toast with a bit of Christmas cheer. It is the laughter of children as they revel in delight with what the season has to offer. These moments, sometimes a mere glimpse, are what you need to make each day a bit brighter through the harshness of depression and waning emotion.

Perseverance is crucial. Your very foundation can be rocked without it and without the assistance of those you love and surround yourself with each day. I am eternally blessed with loving, beautiful people who try to help me when despair takes over and I start drowning in a sea of emotion. My amazing husband is learning tactics to help me when I am overwrought. My equally amazing mother has been trying to coach him as to how to best handle the situation and help me wade through my depression. Without them both I would be lost. I would cave in and be curled up in a ball in a dark place.

Through the bad I saw the good. For that I am grateful and I give thanks.

I rule!

Yet another eventful weekend has come to pass. The Bubbie made his arrival Wednesday evening. The German, his father, made his departure (work-related) on Thursday morning. Two full days of being Munchkin, step mom extraordinaire. Yes, he calls me Munchkin. Yes, I am short. I like it though!

Well day one of single Mommy went well. I picked him up after work from my parents. We went and had Mexican. I made him try guacamole. He did not like it. I am not sure if we can still be friends due to this but I will find a way to get over it I am sure. We get home and one of us gets a hot bubble bath. Sadly that someone was not me. I get to check homework, find something suitable on TV, find a book for him to read aloud to me and make my lunch for the next day. Mission accomplished as he is clean, there is a book, homework is all good and we are both in our jammies. Life is good. I am exhausted. I am not used to this. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, thank you very much.

The next morning my father arrives at 6:30 so I do not have to go about 20 miles round trip in the wrong direction. I check in on Bubbie before my departure and he is awake (much to my father’s chagrin). We snuggle a moment, get in our hugs and kisses and I prepare to depart. As I let go of that cherubic face I tell him I love him. For the first time ever he says “I love you too, Munchkin”. I melt and can now face the day.

That evening I get to my parents house after a quick run to Kroger. I have realized that I have nothing for this child to take home for St. Nicholas Day on December 6th. I also need to get dinner for us both....

I run over to the folks house, bustle the kiddo into the car and scoot on home. I have a special treat for dinner…. All of you who are parents are going to die… I gave a seven year old 3 HUGE scoops of Cookies-n-Cream for dinner. Yep, you heard right, that was dinner. You can bet your bottom dollar he cleaned his plate (bowl actually) too.

I got a really big kick out of watching the sugar buzz kick in. I asked him if he needed to run and his answer was “yep”. So run he did… And run, and run, and run. That lasted about 2-3 hours. In between sprints we giggled and told silly stories. We were waiting for his Papa to come home. The German finally made it home close to 11p. As punishment, I had to sleep with a sugared up 7 year old. I told the Bubbie it was our secret and that each time he came for a visit he could have one crazed evening involving junk food for dinner. I think he is now my biggest fan because that is when he blurted out "my Munchkin rules!!!".

The purpose of his visit (aside from time with us) was to attend a kid’s Christmas party at the German’s company. Talk about fun! Once I find the cord, I will download photos and you can see what I am talking about… It was awesome! I got my face painted as did Bubbie. We jousted, we rode the slide, we had balloon animals, we had a family caricature drawn that he took back with him to hang in his room at his Mom’s house.

All in all it was great. Even the kitty did not seem to mind him that much. Which is highly unusual for her....

For all you parents out there, I bow to you. I am pooped.

Back to normal programming

I did not mean to take a blogging hiatus. Life has an annoying habit of getting in the way of things you mean to do. There has been an onslaught of things to do personally. The German and I have been preparing for the arrival of the Bubbie on Wednesday, November 28th. He is coming in for a children’s Christmas party that the German’s company throws annually. He goes back home to Jersey on Sunday, December 2nd.

The downside is that the German has to be out of town the Thursday and Friday that the Bubbie is here. I am pissed. Mind you, not at the German. It is not his fault. He told people a while back that his son was going to be here and that he could not travel during that time. We get the Bubbie infrequently. We have only seen him 16 days this entire year. And now that we get him for just four precious days, my German has to go out of town on business. Bubbie lands the evening of the 28th. The German has to depart either before Bubbie arrives or around 4a on Thursday. It slices his time with his son in half and I am livid.

Don’t get me wrong, I know this is not anyone’s fault. Business is business and something came up. I know that is out of everyone’s control. It just makes my heart ache for my husband and his son.

I love my step son with my whole heart. My parents adore him as he is the only grandchild they will ever know. The Bubbie even calls them Memere and Pepere which is the Cajun names for grandparents. He loves spending time with them and is spoiled completely rotten by them and my 86 year old Nana who lives with them. Who would not want that kind of attention? Of course my parents are utterly exhausted each day they watch him while I work (I wiped out my vacation in March going to Hamburg to meet my German’s parents).

Basically I needed to vent. I wanted to go visit my other friends in bloggyland as well after my two week stint of being offline. There will be more later on the visit as it is always a good time when the Bubbie comes to visit… Unless of course you are my cat... She remembers the previous visit.

Venting

I am tired of the commentary I hear about my black eye. I am sick to death of anyone thinking my husband may have done this to me. I have documented how I did this. My husband was out of the country when it happened. My parents know this and I really should quit letting people get under my skin about this.

I am not an idiot. I know when people see this bad of a bruise (especially on a woman’s face) they naturally assume someone punched you. I know because I am guilty myself.

Let me set the record straight. This is the eighth (yes, 8th) black eye I have had during my 41 years on Earth. My last one was from a whitewater rafting incident when the idiot in front of me let go of his T-grip and it rammed into my eye. Said idiot is my ex-husband. Nuff said about that….

The other six were at the hand of an abusive asshole that I dated in college. Aside from the six black eyes I sport 54 (count ‘em, campers) scars from him. That was 21 years ago. To say it jaded me is an understatement. It changed how little or how much I trust others (namely men) is what it did. Never again will I be in a situation where I am belittled, intimidated, much less frightened for my very existence. Let me be clear, NEVER AGAIN!!!

I have known the German for 14 years. We have been together 3.5 years of that time. He may come across as a bit rough around the edges, but when it comes to me he is gentle as a lamb. He would never lay a hand on me. Not even in jest. He knows I still carry too much baggage from that. He knows the fragility of my psyche.

What hurts is that those who do not know him would think such a thing. I see people point and whisper. I have heard the rumors from other people. I am sick to death of it. You may not have met my husband so know that I am not the kind of woman who would tolerate abuse, mentally, physically, spiritually. Been there, bought the T-shirt. My husband is not the kind of man would inflect it. Nor would he abide such behavior towards me or any human being.

If you want to know what happened to my eye, ask me. I am a klutz and will tell you as much.

A few days late.

So I am little behind in my blogging... That and I keep neglecting to download the camera from the Halloween party mein Deustcher and I went to on the 27th. So without further adieu I give you photos of the party...

It wouldn't be a party without a British pirate doing a keg stand... He lives in Germany and works for my German's parent company. What a way to introduce him to an American holiday (they do not celebrate Halloween in Germany).



In case you do not recognize us, this is my German and me. He is the Terminator (although I referred to him as the Germanator). I am Fergie from the Black-Eyed Peas since I am still sporting my shiner from October 6th.



This is a herd of Europeans. All except the pirate are native Germans. Nothing like hanging out with them when the conversation is entirely in German and I try and keep up interpreting the few words I know. I usually just stand there and drink beer and think happy thoughts...


This one is my favorite costume of the evening. Recognize Mary Poppins and Burt? I just loved this as it was awesome!



You know it is a great party when three police cars and a fire truck come. Everything was good... There was a permit to burn for the bonfire and it just made the band that was playing shut down after three songs...

It is already making us wonder what we will be next year.

That man of mine...

No, he is not serious about this pose. There was beer involved… There was the surging of testosterone as he was the grillmeister this past Saturday evening at a friend’s home. It is just a great example of mein Deutscher and his sense of humor… There are lots more that show all the men involved in various (ridiculous) poses. As well as photos of grilled pork in various forms...

Of course all the women were dignified, poised and kept our estrogen in check…

Don't rain on my parade....

As much as I know we need the rain, that my yard craves it and you can nearly hear it drink it up in grateful gulps, I am upset that it is raining. You see, we suffered a bit of storm damage last week and the mighty wind that came through in gusts took off some of our siding leaving only exposed wood. I was hoping it would remain dry until repairs are completed.

I have already received one estimate. Thankfully it was for considerably less than the German and I thought it may be. We were guessing more along the lines of $400 - $500. Either way it is a steep chuck of change coming out of our perpetually empty pockets. But it is our home and it has to be repaired. Otherwise we are just begging for trouble. We are getting a second estimate tomorrow.

No pun intended, but when it rains, it pours. The depression starts to subside and the eye is beginning to heal and a new challenge awaits us wanting to drain the meager money I have put aside for Christmas. We live leanly. Well for the most part anyway. We try to more so than actually accomplishing said feat as we both suck when it comes to money. On that level we are not exactly a match made in heaven… More like one made at the Bank of Woes… Looks like it is a week of PB&J for lunch for me this week to keep a little extra $$$ in the account to cover for any incidentals and to put that stuff called gas in our cars that both vehicles seemingly need to get us from point A to point B (otherwise known as work).

I am not complaining as I know it could be considerably worse. I could not have a home to begin with, or a car to get me around, or a job, or food. I am not that selfish as to know there are many blessings and that I count those as well. There are people far less fortunate that we are and I am grateful and pleased for the things that I do have. Especially the ones that money can not buy like my wonderful husband, family, friends, and the ability to see beyond the bad and recognize all that is good, fair, beautiful and just in my life.

I am okay with this....

Back in August I made a move to reach out to an old friend. After a phone call there was a reunion of sorts. We were chatting away on the phone as though years had not gone by when we decided I should stop over for a face-to-face meeting so we could truly catch up, share photographs, etc.

Whatever the reason, I decided I did not want her to know where I lived just yet… Frankly I do know the reason but have chosen not to share it here but that is a different story for another time. So I went to her place. I was that jittery, nervous, anxious, almost nauseated sort of scared. Nevertheless, I knocked on her door.

There were hugs, a few tears and a few beers. There was an opportunity to see how much her children have grown and how beautiful they are. There were photos of my family and the German whom she has never met. There was the sad tale of how she lost both her grandmother and mother way too soon and less than six months apart. There was the discussion of what I go through with my own mother and her battle with cancer.

All in all I thought everything was going swimmingly. I was still a bit hesitant to reveal too much to let go after such a long time. However, it was amazing how very easily we slipped back into the old routine and it was like a comfortable shoe. This happened last month.

In the time since then I have seen a couple more mutual friends. Funny how that works in that I have not seen these folks in ages and now here they all are... When I told them (on separate occasions and they do not keep in touch with one another) we had reconnected I was sternly warned to stay away. One even said "she's poison". I listened to their tales, not dissimilar from my own of the way the friendship ended with them. I was amazed that the woman I knew for all these years had come to this.

I am heeding their advice and not reaching out again. I will return calls if they are made but some things are better left alone. I have no regrets for making a call and having the brief reunion. Maybe that is what I needed to find closure. It is all good….

I have heard of potty mouth, but potty eye??!!?

Here is a view of woman versus toilet. It's the first view the German had of my eye as he has been in Nova Scotia since the beginning of the month and just got home last night. He shook his head and shrugged then broke out his camera.



No, it looks a lot worse than it is... My eye really does not hurt unless I poke it or accidentally rub it.



My new story is I am trying out my Halloween costume early... Think I will be Fergie of the Black-Eyed Peas... What do you think?