I have written abundantly about my depression and my mother's cancer. I have shared with you all many things. Some know and some do not, that I was laid off over 28 weeks ago. The German and I are struggling. I know many are too in this economy. I know we are fortunate that we are current on our bills except for one (sorry Sprint) because the mortgage comes first as it is where we live.
To say my depression is under control is a complete and utter lie. The truth be told, we can not afford the $90/month script so I have to deal to pay other things. The depression runs rampants and messes with my head. There are times I can not control it and it leads me to be more negative than the situation is. It is of the suck... Only quoting my German on that one.
Speaking of my German, he does not completely grasp our situation. He thinks money in the bank is salvation. He quite possibly thinks it grows on trees or that my parents are millionaires. He does not know or understand where the cashflow comes from... Nor whom I have had to ask for it or the two 401k's I have cashed out to keep us afloat.... He merely sees $$$ and not the bills that will follow. I love him but want to hit him along side the head with something heavy and yell "wake up"!!! "We have no f'ing money"! We are lucky not to foreclose. I hide whatever money I can from him. He found a small stash and I ate spaghettios as a result.
He travels for a living most of the time. So his is a life of wine and roses. He eats well and I think the dollar menu at a fast food restaurant (if you can even call that a restaurant) is a treat. I have a loaf of bread and peanut butter (not of the recalled kind) to suppliment me. I am treated out for dinner with my parents on occasion but always order the cheapest thing since they are retired. I know they mean well, but they should not be spending extra on me.
But, gentle reader, I want you to know something..... Something of importance.... I am blessed. My unemployment has been a blessing because it brought me back to the Church. And the blessings from returning have been 1000 fold.
Yes, I am struggling. No, it won't be forever. I refuse to be a statistic in the foreclosure department. I am better than than and will do what it takes. But I have learned a lesson. And I have become closer to God. For that I am not sorry at all.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
13 March 2009
27 February 2009
My thoughts on the past six months
My last hiatus is my previous post. To say that my life has been tumultuous is a vast understatement. As previously posted, I was laid off on 8/25. Am I gainfully employed yet? Uh, no.... There have been offers that I declined for various reasons, not a good fit, the salary was completely unacceptable, etc, etc.... Hindsight can be a bitch and I wonder if I was mistaken in not taking something but I go forward. I have a second and third interview next week that completely excite me. In all honesty it is the first opportunity that excites me and that I actually want! I won't go into detail; however, if you are the praying type, I would appreciate it; otherwise, positive vibes are also accepted.
My depression has run rampant. Unfortunately my lack of a decent paycheck has caused a budget short fall on the homefront. Cuts were made and my script for anti-depressants was a victim. Somehow electricity and food won. Crazy, huh? Pun DEFINITELY intended....
To say we are struggling financially is an understatement. I have barrelled through two 401k accounts to avoid foreclosure. That is not an option. But I am scraping the bottom. March's mortgage is in the bag, it is April that I dread. Plus I learned from taking out the 401k accounts we actually OWE the government close to $1k. It will work itself out somehow. I have faith in the Lord above. Even if I have to wait tables at the local IHOP to make it, I will do what I have to do. I am not too proud to keep us afloat. I will be 43 on 4/3 and the last thing I want to do is move back in with my parents. Not that they have the room for us anyway, Daddy would have to give up his computer room... And I am certain they do not want three more tenants because the kitty is a non-negotiable roomie as well.
As if there is not enough rain on my parade Mama has had a recurrence. She has a new spot on what is left of her left lung. It is resting on her pulmonary artery. She had a biopsy in January. There were complications a few days later which resulted in a four day stint at Vandy. They only told me about it because a friend of theirs convinced them to. They did not want to worry me. Like I don't worry about the beast each and every day coming back and claiming my mother. WTF? To top it off, there is a pinpoint spot on her right lung as well. She outlived her original diagnosis by almost a year now. The spot on the left is inoperable and she is not a candidate for radiation. Both are due to the scarring from the previous surgery and radiation. Three passes were attempted to accurately biopsy the spot to no avail. Since it is wrapped around the pulmonary artery it was far too risky to try further. She developed a pulmonary pneumothorax. She looked like Quasimodo. Medical students and interns alike all looked at the wonder of her fist sized hump. Sheesh. My mother lived a "Grey's Anatomy" moment without a single visit from McDreamy. The course of treatment is "wait and see". Did I ever mention that I am completely inpatient? My attention span can last anywhere from one to sixty seconds barring anything shiny being dangled in front of me.
Gentle reader, there is a positive in all of this.... on 9/7/08, Ambie and the chef welcomed their first child, my niece, Ela. She is beautiful, healthy, and completely adorable. The German is visiting them as I type this as he is traveling on business and made a short detour to meet the newest addition to the family. He has smothered her in kisses and refuses to give her to either parent. As gruff as my German can be, he is a total sucker for babies and children adore him. I would have loved to have made the trip with him but the seeking of employment is an impediment. I know the chef and Ambie understand and Ela is too young to know the difference. But I want to be part of her life and will!
So, that is all the news fit to print. I have missed you Bloggyland. I have renewed my Visa and plan to visit more often.
My depression has run rampant. Unfortunately my lack of a decent paycheck has caused a budget short fall on the homefront. Cuts were made and my script for anti-depressants was a victim. Somehow electricity and food won. Crazy, huh? Pun DEFINITELY intended....
To say we are struggling financially is an understatement. I have barrelled through two 401k accounts to avoid foreclosure. That is not an option. But I am scraping the bottom. March's mortgage is in the bag, it is April that I dread. Plus I learned from taking out the 401k accounts we actually OWE the government close to $1k. It will work itself out somehow. I have faith in the Lord above. Even if I have to wait tables at the local IHOP to make it, I will do what I have to do. I am not too proud to keep us afloat. I will be 43 on 4/3 and the last thing I want to do is move back in with my parents. Not that they have the room for us anyway, Daddy would have to give up his computer room... And I am certain they do not want three more tenants because the kitty is a non-negotiable roomie as well.
As if there is not enough rain on my parade Mama has had a recurrence. She has a new spot on what is left of her left lung. It is resting on her pulmonary artery. She had a biopsy in January. There were complications a few days later which resulted in a four day stint at Vandy. They only told me about it because a friend of theirs convinced them to. They did not want to worry me. Like I don't worry about the beast each and every day coming back and claiming my mother. WTF? To top it off, there is a pinpoint spot on her right lung as well. She outlived her original diagnosis by almost a year now. The spot on the left is inoperable and she is not a candidate for radiation. Both are due to the scarring from the previous surgery and radiation. Three passes were attempted to accurately biopsy the spot to no avail. Since it is wrapped around the pulmonary artery it was far too risky to try further. She developed a pulmonary pneumothorax. She looked like Quasimodo. Medical students and interns alike all looked at the wonder of her fist sized hump. Sheesh. My mother lived a "Grey's Anatomy" moment without a single visit from McDreamy. The course of treatment is "wait and see". Did I ever mention that I am completely inpatient? My attention span can last anywhere from one to sixty seconds barring anything shiny being dangled in front of me.
Gentle reader, there is a positive in all of this.... on 9/7/08, Ambie and the chef welcomed their first child, my niece, Ela. She is beautiful, healthy, and completely adorable. The German is visiting them as I type this as he is traveling on business and made a short detour to meet the newest addition to the family. He has smothered her in kisses and refuses to give her to either parent. As gruff as my German can be, he is a total sucker for babies and children adore him. I would have loved to have made the trip with him but the seeking of employment is an impediment. I know the chef and Ambie understand and Ela is too young to know the difference. But I want to be part of her life and will!
So, that is all the news fit to print. I have missed you Bloggyland. I have renewed my Visa and plan to visit more often.
17 October 2008
Six months later, she emerges.....
To say I have been on hiatus is a HUGE understatement. Life has a tendency to get in the way and this has been no different. It has been an eventful six months with both good and bad experiences.
Let's tackle the bad first....
My family experienced two losses of loved ones. The first was my Auntie D's hubby who passed away on June 22nd. Please keep her in your prayers as this has been a very difficult time.
The family's second loss was on September 18th. That is the day that Papa, my German's father, died peacefully in his sleep. Both deaths were completely unexpected and both have had huge impacts on loved ones. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to meet him when we went to Germany last year. To say my hubby was a wreck was an understatement. Thankfully we were able to get him to Germany in time for the funeral and to spend some time with his mother.
Also on the bad is I was laid off from my job on 8/25. Currently I am temping at a company that I would love to get on with full time. Right now the temp gig is going to run through the end of the year most likely. At least it pays the bills.
My well documented depression has gone into overdrive from the stress related above; however, the meds are doing what they are supposed to and keeping me on a somewhat even keel versus what could be full-blown, crawl under a rock and pray for death option. Of course I opt for being even keeled instead. It is much better compared to the curl up and suck your thumb version.
On the upside, my Mama's cancer is still 100% gone. Her last visit with the awesome Dr. Putnam of Vanderbilt went very well and he was very positive that she was clean. Her original diagnosis was two years. Well that was two years, seven months ago.... Her odds improve with each and every day of being a statistic for good, not evil and for that I am eternally grateful.
Also during my hiatus, mein Deustcher and I celebrated our second anniversary. There are times that it feels we have been married forever and other times that it is as if we just did so yesterday. I don't know what that means; however, that is the only way I can explain it. So sorry if it makes no sense because it makes sense to me.
There have been lessons learned during this time. My total lack of patience has been tested but somehow I made it through. My ADHD has been put through the ringer and I have still come out none the worse for wear; however, at the time I thought it would be the end of me.
During this time I have reflected on where I want to go and what I want to do as a person. I have worked on my marriage, my people skills, dealing with my depression and trying to learn to focus. Unfortunatly that does not always go as planned and for a while there I was shamelessly hooked on Pogo games. I still have very weak moments where I can play for hours and have nothing to show for it. But I have over 3 million tokens so it certainly is not a "total" waste...
So to all my blogging buddies, I am back. I have missed you. I have not had time to catch up on blogs as when I go on hiatus, I really go all out.
Let's tackle the bad first....
My family experienced two losses of loved ones. The first was my Auntie D's hubby who passed away on June 22nd. Please keep her in your prayers as this has been a very difficult time.
The family's second loss was on September 18th. That is the day that Papa, my German's father, died peacefully in his sleep. Both deaths were completely unexpected and both have had huge impacts on loved ones. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to meet him when we went to Germany last year. To say my hubby was a wreck was an understatement. Thankfully we were able to get him to Germany in time for the funeral and to spend some time with his mother.
Also on the bad is I was laid off from my job on 8/25. Currently I am temping at a company that I would love to get on with full time. Right now the temp gig is going to run through the end of the year most likely. At least it pays the bills.
My well documented depression has gone into overdrive from the stress related above; however, the meds are doing what they are supposed to and keeping me on a somewhat even keel versus what could be full-blown, crawl under a rock and pray for death option. Of course I opt for being even keeled instead. It is much better compared to the curl up and suck your thumb version.
On the upside, my Mama's cancer is still 100% gone. Her last visit with the awesome Dr. Putnam of Vanderbilt went very well and he was very positive that she was clean. Her original diagnosis was two years. Well that was two years, seven months ago.... Her odds improve with each and every day of being a statistic for good, not evil and for that I am eternally grateful.
Also during my hiatus, mein Deustcher and I celebrated our second anniversary. There are times that it feels we have been married forever and other times that it is as if we just did so yesterday. I don't know what that means; however, that is the only way I can explain it. So sorry if it makes no sense because it makes sense to me.
There have been lessons learned during this time. My total lack of patience has been tested but somehow I made it through. My ADHD has been put through the ringer and I have still come out none the worse for wear; however, at the time I thought it would be the end of me.
During this time I have reflected on where I want to go and what I want to do as a person. I have worked on my marriage, my people skills, dealing with my depression and trying to learn to focus. Unfortunatly that does not always go as planned and for a while there I was shamelessly hooked on Pogo games. I still have very weak moments where I can play for hours and have nothing to show for it. But I have over 3 million tokens so it certainly is not a "total" waste...
So to all my blogging buddies, I am back. I have missed you. I have not had time to catch up on blogs as when I go on hiatus, I really go all out.
15 March 2008
WTF?????
So my German is working a show for his company. It is a huge show that has over 1500 vendors and he is in charge of the crew for his company. He has been working 12-16hour days for the past three weeks without a day off. He is exhausted but happy as he is a work horse and thrives under that type of situation. His work ethic is phenomenal to say the very least. The company mein Deutscher works for is, ironically, a German based company (go figure). He is employed by the North American headquarters. The home office is located close to the Frankfurt/Cologne area.
With that being said, he was approached by someone from the German-based operations regarding what he is doing here in the good ole U.S. of A. That person wants him to consider doing the same thing for the international company. Did I mention that this would probably base him out of the Frankfurt office???
Gentle reader, if you have been following me for any length of time you know that I attempted German lessons and failed miserably. I have no aptitude for the Germanic language. I perpetually sound as though I have a hair ball when trying to enunciate the few words I know. How in the hell would I be able to live in country where I can not speak the language? Furthermore, how would I survive being seven time zones away from my parents? Hell, I am only seven miles away from them right now and that is fine by me. I don't know what I would do to have that much distance between us. I am an only child and have an incredible relationship with them. Their health has been an issue for the past couple of years and I do not think I could handle being separated from them by the Atlantic.
I am at a loss. I am confused and frightened by the entire prospect. It is a huge compliment to my husband that the efforts he puts forth have been recognized on a very high level. I appreciate that and love him all the more for it. However, what about me?! I love visiting Germany but to live there? I am making lists of pros and cons. I am thinking. I spent an hour with Daddy this morning discussing this. I am praying. Lord knows I need His divine guidance.
With that being said, he was approached by someone from the German-based operations regarding what he is doing here in the good ole U.S. of A. That person wants him to consider doing the same thing for the international company. Did I mention that this would probably base him out of the Frankfurt office???
Gentle reader, if you have been following me for any length of time you know that I attempted German lessons and failed miserably. I have no aptitude for the Germanic language. I perpetually sound as though I have a hair ball when trying to enunciate the few words I know. How in the hell would I be able to live in country where I can not speak the language? Furthermore, how would I survive being seven time zones away from my parents? Hell, I am only seven miles away from them right now and that is fine by me. I don't know what I would do to have that much distance between us. I am an only child and have an incredible relationship with them. Their health has been an issue for the past couple of years and I do not think I could handle being separated from them by the Atlantic.
I am at a loss. I am confused and frightened by the entire prospect. It is a huge compliment to my husband that the efforts he puts forth have been recognized on a very high level. I appreciate that and love him all the more for it. However, what about me?! I love visiting Germany but to live there? I am making lists of pros and cons. I am thinking. I spent an hour with Daddy this morning discussing this. I am praying. Lord knows I need His divine guidance.
23 January 2008
A journey begins with the first step
When I wallow in my depression I tend to do serious thinking as well. I try focusing on the positive aspects of my life and not dwell in the negatives. It can be difficult but the effort eventually pays off with a bit of respite from the doom and gloom I am mired in. With that being said I have been thinking about my spirituality and my faith.
I was born and raised Catholic. When I do manage to attend, I am still Catholic. My parents and Nana are all practicing Catholics. The German was born and raised Catholic as well. That makes for an easier piece in our marriage as we have very similar beliefs and were raised in the same faith.
Lately I have been putting my spiritual self to the side. I have not been feeding it as it should be. I have not protected it nor sheltered it. I have let it drift. I believe that there are three parts to each of us that must be maintained: Spiritual, mental and physical. I am working on both the mental and physical aspects by trying to get a handle on my depression and by loosing almost fifty pounds in the past two years. I am proud of the weight loss. It was a long process as I did not gain that much overnight; therefore, I should not expect to loose it instantly. However, that is now what this is about… As usual, I digress.
I realize that my journey is not on the correct path. That I have slipped from where I need to be in my walk with God is an understatement. I have not spent the time in prayer and meditation that I used to. I have not been speaking to God about blessings. It has merely been all about me and what He can do for me. There is no other way to put it… I have been a selfish Christian.
I do not like the hollow feeling that gives me. I worry about getting back on track and living what I believe not just thinking about it. I miss the high I get from feeling at one with God after prayer. I miss going to church. That is something the German and I agreed we would do as husband and wife and it has been over a year since either of us set foot in Cathedral. I worry about both of us spiritually. Yes, we say blessings together before meals. Yes, we pray together about certain things but mostly our faith is our own personal belonging.
I need to refocus and redirect my life back onto my spiritual path and back to the Lord. I need to rededicate my life to Him. I know in my heart if I do so all the other things which are overwhelming now will become trivial if I have the courage and faith to put them into His hands. I need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
I was born and raised Catholic. When I do manage to attend, I am still Catholic. My parents and Nana are all practicing Catholics. The German was born and raised Catholic as well. That makes for an easier piece in our marriage as we have very similar beliefs and were raised in the same faith.
Lately I have been putting my spiritual self to the side. I have not been feeding it as it should be. I have not protected it nor sheltered it. I have let it drift. I believe that there are three parts to each of us that must be maintained: Spiritual, mental and physical. I am working on both the mental and physical aspects by trying to get a handle on my depression and by loosing almost fifty pounds in the past two years. I am proud of the weight loss. It was a long process as I did not gain that much overnight; therefore, I should not expect to loose it instantly. However, that is now what this is about… As usual, I digress.
I realize that my journey is not on the correct path. That I have slipped from where I need to be in my walk with God is an understatement. I have not spent the time in prayer and meditation that I used to. I have not been speaking to God about blessings. It has merely been all about me and what He can do for me. There is no other way to put it… I have been a selfish Christian.
I do not like the hollow feeling that gives me. I worry about getting back on track and living what I believe not just thinking about it. I miss the high I get from feeling at one with God after prayer. I miss going to church. That is something the German and I agreed we would do as husband and wife and it has been over a year since either of us set foot in Cathedral. I worry about both of us spiritually. Yes, we say blessings together before meals. Yes, we pray together about certain things but mostly our faith is our own personal belonging.
I need to refocus and redirect my life back onto my spiritual path and back to the Lord. I need to rededicate my life to Him. I know in my heart if I do so all the other things which are overwhelming now will become trivial if I have the courage and faith to put them into His hands. I need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
22 January 2008
It is not just about me
Sometimes all it takes is a little perspective. A little jolt to realize that when you think you have it bad, you really do not at all.
On my drive in to the office yesterday morning I was having a pity party for one. I was down and letting the blues get the better of me. I was channel surfing the airwaves as well trying to find a morning show that did not bug the crap out of me. I rolled over to 1510AM (not my typical stop) and I heard the following story about how the DJ lost his son in a tragic drowning accident at home. The child was only two and a half...
Suddenly my problems were miniscule. To be frank, I do not even remember what it was that triggered my doldrums. My prayers instead focus to the positives in my life and to the family that suffered such a tragic, horrific loss.
My cup runneth over.
On my drive in to the office yesterday morning I was having a pity party for one. I was down and letting the blues get the better of me. I was channel surfing the airwaves as well trying to find a morning show that did not bug the crap out of me. I rolled over to 1510AM (not my typical stop) and I heard the following story about how the DJ lost his son in a tragic drowning accident at home. The child was only two and a half...
Suddenly my problems were miniscule. To be frank, I do not even remember what it was that triggered my doldrums. My prayers instead focus to the positives in my life and to the family that suffered such a tragic, horrific loss.
My cup runneth over.
08 January 2008
Christmas is over
I never intended to take this long of a break. Life has a habit of getting in the way. Not to mention the whirlwind of emotions which overwhelm me during the Christmas season. The depression took hold with grip like a falcon’s talons. It dug its mighty claws into me and would not release. Faith and prayer is what it took to survive until January 2nd for the season to be at an end and for a semblance of normalcy to return. Not that I had a bad season, on the contrary, it was okay except for the massive dips in emotion. Unless you experience it, it is difficult to explain that there is beauty and good amongst the ugly and bad. That is what keeps you sane even if only dangling by a thread.
That; however, is not what this is about. This is about the positive aspects that come out of living through the darkness. It is the tidbits of joy that you find that help you to focus and hold on. It is experiencing truly beautiful moments with family that you cling to and file away for another time to relive over and over again. It is time with friends that you hold dear to your heart and that you toast with a bit of Christmas cheer. It is the laughter of children as they revel in delight with what the season has to offer. These moments, sometimes a mere glimpse, are what you need to make each day a bit brighter through the harshness of depression and waning emotion.
Perseverance is crucial. Your very foundation can be rocked without it and without the assistance of those you love and surround yourself with each day. I am eternally blessed with loving, beautiful people who try to help me when despair takes over and I start drowning in a sea of emotion. My amazing husband is learning tactics to help me when I am overwrought. My equally amazing mother has been trying to coach him as to how to best handle the situation and help me wade through my depression. Without them both I would be lost. I would cave in and be curled up in a ball in a dark place.
Through the bad I saw the good. For that I am grateful and I give thanks.
That; however, is not what this is about. This is about the positive aspects that come out of living through the darkness. It is the tidbits of joy that you find that help you to focus and hold on. It is experiencing truly beautiful moments with family that you cling to and file away for another time to relive over and over again. It is time with friends that you hold dear to your heart and that you toast with a bit of Christmas cheer. It is the laughter of children as they revel in delight with what the season has to offer. These moments, sometimes a mere glimpse, are what you need to make each day a bit brighter through the harshness of depression and waning emotion.
Perseverance is crucial. Your very foundation can be rocked without it and without the assistance of those you love and surround yourself with each day. I am eternally blessed with loving, beautiful people who try to help me when despair takes over and I start drowning in a sea of emotion. My amazing husband is learning tactics to help me when I am overwrought. My equally amazing mother has been trying to coach him as to how to best handle the situation and help me wade through my depression. Without them both I would be lost. I would cave in and be curled up in a ball in a dark place.
Through the bad I saw the good. For that I am grateful and I give thanks.
22 October 2007
Don't rain on my parade....
As much as I know we need the rain, that my yard craves it and you can nearly hear it drink it up in grateful gulps, I am upset that it is raining. You see, we suffered a bit of storm damage last week and the mighty wind that came through in gusts took off some of our siding leaving only exposed wood. I was hoping it would remain dry until repairs are completed.
I have already received one estimate. Thankfully it was for considerably less than the German and I thought it may be. We were guessing more along the lines of $400 - $500. Either way it is a steep chuck of change coming out of our perpetually empty pockets. But it is our home and it has to be repaired. Otherwise we are just begging for trouble. We are getting a second estimate tomorrow.
No pun intended, but when it rains, it pours. The depression starts to subside and the eye is beginning to heal and a new challenge awaits us wanting to drain the meager money I have put aside for Christmas. We live leanly. Well for the most part anyway. We try to more so than actually accomplishing said feat as we both suck when it comes to money. On that level we are not exactly a match made in heaven… More like one made at the Bank of Woes… Looks like it is a week of PB&J for lunch for me this week to keep a little extra $$$ in the account to cover for any incidentals and to put that stuff called gas in our cars that both vehicles seemingly need to get us from point A to point B (otherwise known as work).
I am not complaining as I know it could be considerably worse. I could not have a home to begin with, or a car to get me around, or a job, or food. I am not that selfish as to know there are many blessings and that I count those as well. There are people far less fortunate that we are and I am grateful and pleased for the things that I do have. Especially the ones that money can not buy like my wonderful husband, family, friends, and the ability to see beyond the bad and recognize all that is good, fair, beautiful and just in my life.
I have already received one estimate. Thankfully it was for considerably less than the German and I thought it may be. We were guessing more along the lines of $400 - $500. Either way it is a steep chuck of change coming out of our perpetually empty pockets. But it is our home and it has to be repaired. Otherwise we are just begging for trouble. We are getting a second estimate tomorrow.
No pun intended, but when it rains, it pours. The depression starts to subside and the eye is beginning to heal and a new challenge awaits us wanting to drain the meager money I have put aside for Christmas. We live leanly. Well for the most part anyway. We try to more so than actually accomplishing said feat as we both suck when it comes to money. On that level we are not exactly a match made in heaven… More like one made at the Bank of Woes… Looks like it is a week of PB&J for lunch for me this week to keep a little extra $$$ in the account to cover for any incidentals and to put that stuff called gas in our cars that both vehicles seemingly need to get us from point A to point B (otherwise known as work).
I am not complaining as I know it could be considerably worse. I could not have a home to begin with, or a car to get me around, or a job, or food. I am not that selfish as to know there are many blessings and that I count those as well. There are people far less fortunate that we are and I am grateful and pleased for the things that I do have. Especially the ones that money can not buy like my wonderful husband, family, friends, and the ability to see beyond the bad and recognize all that is good, fair, beautiful and just in my life.
19 October 2007
Let there be light
I am about to complete my third week on Lexapro and I am beginning to be able to tell the difference. I have documented my depression on more than one occasion.
I am glad I finally reached out for help through my physician. It was difficult to once again admit that I can not do this alone and ask for assistance. I was keeping my fingers crossed that it would not come to that again. That this time I could finally be in control without meds but I was wrong. So very, very wrong. I know that this is an illness, it is not something that I have done to myself or on purpose… It simply is a fact of my life and I need to recognize that and ask for help when appropriate.
The fact of the matter is that I was tottering on the edge. Anything that would go wrong in my life I would blame on the depression. Any. Little. Thing. With the notable exception of this. Bad day at work? Well of course that is because I am depressed! Need to sleep 20 hours? Depression, you betcha! Lack of energy? I am too depressed to do anything… House a mess? How am I suppose to clean in this frame of mind? The list goes on and on… It is kinda like the kid who always said the dog ate his homework….
Now that I am beginning to feel “normal” again, I can see all that I blamed on depression. I could not even begin to see it when I was held fast in the throes of it all. I guess you could say I am in the tunnel and yes, I do see the light…
I am glad I finally reached out for help through my physician. It was difficult to once again admit that I can not do this alone and ask for assistance. I was keeping my fingers crossed that it would not come to that again. That this time I could finally be in control without meds but I was wrong. So very, very wrong. I know that this is an illness, it is not something that I have done to myself or on purpose… It simply is a fact of my life and I need to recognize that and ask for help when appropriate.
The fact of the matter is that I was tottering on the edge. Anything that would go wrong in my life I would blame on the depression. Any. Little. Thing. With the notable exception of this. Bad day at work? Well of course that is because I am depressed! Need to sleep 20 hours? Depression, you betcha! Lack of energy? I am too depressed to do anything… House a mess? How am I suppose to clean in this frame of mind? The list goes on and on… It is kinda like the kid who always said the dog ate his homework….
Now that I am beginning to feel “normal” again, I can see all that I blamed on depression. I could not even begin to see it when I was held fast in the throes of it all. I guess you could say I am in the tunnel and yes, I do see the light…
03 October 2007
Sick again... Yay me, NOT!
After 42 days straight on antibiotics for 4 UTIs since mid May, I have come down with strep. Yay me... You would think that I would practically be immune to anything with this much medicine in me. Sadly, no.
The good news is that I started the Lexapro. I am experiencing the oh, so fun, side effect of night sweats. That coupled with being pre-menopausal makes for a sleeping challenge. Good-bye REM sleep, hello restless nights... However, I need some well deserved relief from the depression.
Just felt like sharing. That is all, carry on.
The good news is that I started the Lexapro. I am experiencing the oh, so fun, side effect of night sweats. That coupled with being pre-menopausal makes for a sleeping challenge. Good-bye REM sleep, hello restless nights... However, I need some well deserved relief from the depression.
Just felt like sharing. That is all, carry on.
01 October 2007
Touching base
Hello, long time, no see.... It's been a while... Please excuse any spelling errors as I have an evil Siamese beached on my lap along with the lap top. Not that I am complaining, she has been a great source of therapy as I wallow through this latest bout of depression. She is, after all, dependent upon me for food, water, and the not so fun, "cleaning of the box". Here is a little photo of my pouty Scouty (also known as "sweet kiki lou", "love muffin", "love bug", "the speed bump" or "the nuisance" when she is being particularly needy...)
I can not believe the comfort that a pet can bring. I can not believe how much she senses when I am suffering and must be at my side at all times. Her therapeutic touch has a healing that I can not explain... She is just a little bundle of love; albeit one with some kooky and annoying habits. But she is sincere. I am grateful for my kitty counselor... And I do not even have to fork out a co-pay!
I can not believe the comfort that a pet can bring. I can not believe how much she senses when I am suffering and must be at my side at all times. Her therapeutic touch has a healing that I can not explain... She is just a little bundle of love; albeit one with some kooky and annoying habits. But she is sincere. I am grateful for my kitty counselor... And I do not even have to fork out a co-pay!
18 September 2007
Hanging in there.......
I have discussed the following here, here, and here. I am still in the throes of it and still feeling a bit debilitated and overwhelmed by it all. I still have over a week to go before I can begin the Lexapro which I have heard from friends will be a big help. I am looking forward to that although I know it will take a while to get into my system. However, I am hoping the placebo effect of just knowing I am on the meds will kick in and help me out of this pit of despair.
I have been reading a blog that is truly speaking to me. I am sad for CP's personal struggle, yet I find solace knowing it's not "just me". To be quite honest, I truly am not so selfish as to think I am the only person who suffers. I know better than that. And I do not find relief in other people suffering. On the contrary, I feel their pain and regret that they too have to endure the emotional rollercoaster and the hurt that engulfs us.
I am grateful for the online friends who have come forward to tell me their experience with Lexapro and the differences it made for them. I can not thank them enough for sharing so that I can see a brighter side whilst I wade my way through the quagmire I am in.
I think today is just especially rough because 21 years ago today I finally escaped a college “boyfriend” that physically abused me. I still have the physical (and emotional) scars to prove it. This is always a rough time of year for me and it starts on September 13th and runs full throttle until January 2nd. It will take every fiber of my being to survive Christmas. What should be a happy time of year, and is for most, is a horrific time for me. I am completely overwhelmed during that season and look to it in dread.
The thing I am looking forward to most is the day I feel relief.
I have been reading a blog that is truly speaking to me. I am sad for CP's personal struggle, yet I find solace knowing it's not "just me". To be quite honest, I truly am not so selfish as to think I am the only person who suffers. I know better than that. And I do not find relief in other people suffering. On the contrary, I feel their pain and regret that they too have to endure the emotional rollercoaster and the hurt that engulfs us.
I am grateful for the online friends who have come forward to tell me their experience with Lexapro and the differences it made for them. I can not thank them enough for sharing so that I can see a brighter side whilst I wade my way through the quagmire I am in.
I think today is just especially rough because 21 years ago today I finally escaped a college “boyfriend” that physically abused me. I still have the physical (and emotional) scars to prove it. This is always a rough time of year for me and it starts on September 13th and runs full throttle until January 2nd. It will take every fiber of my being to survive Christmas. What should be a happy time of year, and is for most, is a horrific time for me. I am completely overwhelmed during that season and look to it in dread.
The thing I am looking forward to most is the day I feel relief.
13 September 2007
Reason 7,233,747 why I love my German
He has been so understanding, compassionate, caring, loving, giving, helpful, sincere, patient and a thousand other things while I have been fighting my latest round of depression. He will just hold me and wipe away the tears.
I am blessed.
I am blessed.
Captain Ramsey
Have you ever experienced something personally that was also being played out nationally? I know the events of 9/11 affected people globally and many had personal knowledge of someone touched on a private level. With that being said and the sixth anniversary of 9/11 happening earlier this week, I want to tell you what happened September 13, 1997. It was a couple of weeks after Princess Diana had died and a week after Mother Teresa. Death comes in three’s and I remember telling Mama that I wondered who the third would be since I always adored both of those women. Mama sternly warned me against asking such a question because you will find an answer you really do not like whatsoever. She’s always right and this time it was no different.
It was a Saturday and my ex-husband and I had spent the day at his company picnic in Greensboro, North Carolina. We came home and I casually checked the answering machine. The message from my ex-father-in-law was muddled and confusing and he sounded drunk. Without missing a beat I dialed them in Virginia. What my ex-mother-in-law said to me was in a whisper and I could tell something was really wrong… What she quietly said was “turn on CNN”.
I made my way to the TV and turned it on. Flipping channels, I finally landed on CNN. After a few minutes there was a story on about an Air Force C-141 that had not returned to its McGuire, NJ base from a humanitarian mission to Windhoek, Namibia delivering land mine removal equipment. There were photos of those who were missing. The second one was identical to the photo on the table right beside me. I tapped the ex on the shoulder and then pointed. We quickly called his parents again to get more information. All they told us this time was to get to their house as soon as we could.
We flung things into bags, jumped in the car and drove. Fervent phone calls were made to both of our bosses. His boss was understanding. Mine, not so much. I was told be at work on Monday or you do not have a job. I told her to turn on CNN because according to all counts I probably had a death in the family. Although they were less than 100 miles away, I could have sworn the drive took hours.
Finally upon arriving we were greeted by an Air Force officer. He sat us down and explained that Jason’s plane was missing. The last known account had been when they refueled on the Island of Ascension. Ironically Jason had called us while he was there as I was cooking dinner the evening before. My ex was not available so I was the last member of the family to have contact with him that fateful day.
The family gave me the task of making certain the small town (my former in laws truly live on Main Street) was covered with yellow ribbons in hopes that he would come back to us. They literally blanketed the town. Everyone knew my former in-laws as he was a principal at the only high school as well as one of the assistant football coaches. We even tied one around Sally, Jason’s golden retriever. She was his gift when he graduated from the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs in May of 1992. The first media regarding Jason was a photo of that dog along with the rest of us. At that point I was also the family appointed media POC for all things regarding Jason.
Hours became days, days became weeks. The search was no longer considered a rescue mission. It was, at best, a recovery mission. However, it was the Atlantic they were searching for a sign, any little sign of wreckage. The sea can be very unforgiving. Air traffic control in that part of the world is sketchy at best. Hope was fading fast that there would be anything found at all.
There was the first of five services held. The first was at McGuire AFB. If you have not experienced a military service on a base you really are missing something filled with rich tradition, honor and haunting beauty. The flyover for that service was heart wrenching as nine C-141’s (one for each soul lost) flew by. The second service was Jason’s home town memorial held a couple of weeks later. It was held in the largest venue available in town, the high school auditorium which was filled to capacity. We were fortunate that there was a flyover from McGuire for this service as well. With GPS technology they were flying directly over as we exited the building.
Fast forward to December 25, 1997. Over three months have passed since we were told to turn on CNN. They found the wreckage. They found the black box. Back in mid September, they found wreckage from another plane that was not US but was German in the area Jason’s plane should be but no sign of Jason’s. Apparently the same day Jason’s plane went down a plane filled with 24 German officers and their wives were heading to Capetown for a Regatta. Yes, they called on Christmas day to tell us this.
Answers, we demand answers. One wife wanted to review the remains. My former family declined but allowed her to view all as DNA testing was going on to determine who was who. Out of all that was found, DNA showed conclusively that this was Jason. Now we had something to bury. Maybe that would bring more closure or maybe it would reopen the scab that had formed over our wounded hearts.
Service three of five is held. A trunk is dropped over the wreckage site and a park is dedicated to the crew of the C-141 in Namibia. Service four of five is held. This time it is back in the sleepy hometown where we lay all of two pounds that were positively him to rest. Full military funeral with a 21 gun salute and another flyover. That was March of 1998… A full six months after his death. We did not attend service five of five at Arlington. Jason had earned the right to be buried there; however, the family wanted him at home. Arlington is where they laid to rest the remains both identified and unidentified.
The black box. It survived months in the ocean. It had a lot to tell us. Jason was a pilot; however, he had flown the initial mission so he was out of the cockpit when the events unfolded. There is chatting between the two in the cockpit. There is a mention of “Jason was right. There could be another plane out here and we would never know it”. A few minutes later they found out that Jason had indeed been a fortune-teller of the most devastating kind. The impact was quick and it was deafening. The calls for “Mayday” went unanswered. There was screaming, lots of screaming. It lasted over 30 seconds before there was complete and utter silence. I can not begin to imagine how long 30 seconds feels when you know in no uncertain terms that you are going to die.
What went wrong? Well the German Tupelov carrying the 24 officers and their wives had not filed a flight plan with African air traffic control. They were flying on the wrong altitude. Everyone was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the conditions were perfect for tragedy. The German plane exploded on impact and gutted Jason’s causing them to keep going that extra half a minute and moving them much further away from the German crash site. The Germans were found because part of their wreckage was floating whereas the massive hole in Jason’s plane caused it to sink. The odds of a mid-air plane collision occurring are astronomical. Say you and I went out and were ten football fields apart. At a precise moment we both shot a BB gun into the air and the BB’s collided. You get the picture.
When we cleaned out his belongings I was told to take what I wanted. All I opted for is what is in the photo below. It was a gift that I made for Jason as a present when he received his wings. What is even more touching is that on the back of it is the note that the ex and I wrote to him telling him how very proud we are.
So ten years later, I remember you. I still think of you often and fondly. You were like a little brother to me. God bless you Captain Jason Scott Ramsey and may you rest in peace.
It was a Saturday and my ex-husband and I had spent the day at his company picnic in Greensboro, North Carolina. We came home and I casually checked the answering machine. The message from my ex-father-in-law was muddled and confusing and he sounded drunk. Without missing a beat I dialed them in Virginia. What my ex-mother-in-law said to me was in a whisper and I could tell something was really wrong… What she quietly said was “turn on CNN”.
I made my way to the TV and turned it on. Flipping channels, I finally landed on CNN. After a few minutes there was a story on about an Air Force C-141 that had not returned to its McGuire, NJ base from a humanitarian mission to Windhoek, Namibia delivering land mine removal equipment. There were photos of those who were missing. The second one was identical to the photo on the table right beside me. I tapped the ex on the shoulder and then pointed. We quickly called his parents again to get more information. All they told us this time was to get to their house as soon as we could.
We flung things into bags, jumped in the car and drove. Fervent phone calls were made to both of our bosses. His boss was understanding. Mine, not so much. I was told be at work on Monday or you do not have a job. I told her to turn on CNN because according to all counts I probably had a death in the family. Although they were less than 100 miles away, I could have sworn the drive took hours.
Finally upon arriving we were greeted by an Air Force officer. He sat us down and explained that Jason’s plane was missing. The last known account had been when they refueled on the Island of Ascension. Ironically Jason had called us while he was there as I was cooking dinner the evening before. My ex was not available so I was the last member of the family to have contact with him that fateful day.
The family gave me the task of making certain the small town (my former in laws truly live on Main Street) was covered with yellow ribbons in hopes that he would come back to us. They literally blanketed the town. Everyone knew my former in-laws as he was a principal at the only high school as well as one of the assistant football coaches. We even tied one around Sally, Jason’s golden retriever. She was his gift when he graduated from the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs in May of 1992. The first media regarding Jason was a photo of that dog along with the rest of us. At that point I was also the family appointed media POC for all things regarding Jason.
Hours became days, days became weeks. The search was no longer considered a rescue mission. It was, at best, a recovery mission. However, it was the Atlantic they were searching for a sign, any little sign of wreckage. The sea can be very unforgiving. Air traffic control in that part of the world is sketchy at best. Hope was fading fast that there would be anything found at all.
There was the first of five services held. The first was at McGuire AFB. If you have not experienced a military service on a base you really are missing something filled with rich tradition, honor and haunting beauty. The flyover for that service was heart wrenching as nine C-141’s (one for each soul lost) flew by. The second service was Jason’s home town memorial held a couple of weeks later. It was held in the largest venue available in town, the high school auditorium which was filled to capacity. We were fortunate that there was a flyover from McGuire for this service as well. With GPS technology they were flying directly over as we exited the building.
Fast forward to December 25, 1997. Over three months have passed since we were told to turn on CNN. They found the wreckage. They found the black box. Back in mid September, they found wreckage from another plane that was not US but was German in the area Jason’s plane should be but no sign of Jason’s. Apparently the same day Jason’s plane went down a plane filled with 24 German officers and their wives were heading to Capetown for a Regatta. Yes, they called on Christmas day to tell us this.
Answers, we demand answers. One wife wanted to review the remains. My former family declined but allowed her to view all as DNA testing was going on to determine who was who. Out of all that was found, DNA showed conclusively that this was Jason. Now we had something to bury. Maybe that would bring more closure or maybe it would reopen the scab that had formed over our wounded hearts.
Service three of five is held. A trunk is dropped over the wreckage site and a park is dedicated to the crew of the C-141 in Namibia. Service four of five is held. This time it is back in the sleepy hometown where we lay all of two pounds that were positively him to rest. Full military funeral with a 21 gun salute and another flyover. That was March of 1998… A full six months after his death. We did not attend service five of five at Arlington. Jason had earned the right to be buried there; however, the family wanted him at home. Arlington is where they laid to rest the remains both identified and unidentified.
The black box. It survived months in the ocean. It had a lot to tell us. Jason was a pilot; however, he had flown the initial mission so he was out of the cockpit when the events unfolded. There is chatting between the two in the cockpit. There is a mention of “Jason was right. There could be another plane out here and we would never know it”. A few minutes later they found out that Jason had indeed been a fortune-teller of the most devastating kind. The impact was quick and it was deafening. The calls for “Mayday” went unanswered. There was screaming, lots of screaming. It lasted over 30 seconds before there was complete and utter silence. I can not begin to imagine how long 30 seconds feels when you know in no uncertain terms that you are going to die.
What went wrong? Well the German Tupelov carrying the 24 officers and their wives had not filed a flight plan with African air traffic control. They were flying on the wrong altitude. Everyone was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the conditions were perfect for tragedy. The German plane exploded on impact and gutted Jason’s causing them to keep going that extra half a minute and moving them much further away from the German crash site. The Germans were found because part of their wreckage was floating whereas the massive hole in Jason’s plane caused it to sink. The odds of a mid-air plane collision occurring are astronomical. Say you and I went out and were ten football fields apart. At a precise moment we both shot a BB gun into the air and the BB’s collided. You get the picture.
When we cleaned out his belongings I was told to take what I wanted. All I opted for is what is in the photo below. It was a gift that I made for Jason as a present when he received his wings. What is even more touching is that on the back of it is the note that the ex and I wrote to him telling him how very proud we are.
So ten years later, I remember you. I still think of you often and fondly. You were like a little brother to me. God bless you Captain Jason Scott Ramsey and may you rest in peace.
12 September 2007
Depression - part drei
Depression has kicked into full gear again. This is always a rough month for me for reasons I will reveal later as well as for reasons unknown. My truly worst time of year begins the Friday after Thanksgiving and runs through the second of January. It takes every fiber of my being to survive that time of year. Everyone else is so joyful and loves the holidays, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseaum. Not me. Hate it. That’s a completely different post.
I have yet to start the Lexapro because the 30 days of antibiotics I am taking affect my stomach and I am a bit scared to introduce another med on top of it. I still have 23 days worth of antibiotic to go so I can start the new drug then. It should start to make a difference within a month. That means I have close to eight weeks to go before I get some relief.
I am supposed to take the Chantix once I go off of the antibiotic because it too can affect my stomach. My belly has been through enough lately on this stupid 30 day course of drugs so I am not looking forward to something that lists “upset stomach” as a side effect. I would like a reprieve, thank you very much.
I really want to start the Chantix so I can begin the process of quitting smoking. I know how detrimental that is to me and how much it has been affecting me in my other health issues. I also know that quitting smoking will save the German and me around $5k a year. That’s a trip to Germany each year simply by quitting smoking! Amazing!
Anyhoo, I just needed to put it out there that the depression is kicking my ass. Completely. Utterly. Thoroughly. This is of the suck.
I have yet to start the Lexapro because the 30 days of antibiotics I am taking affect my stomach and I am a bit scared to introduce another med on top of it. I still have 23 days worth of antibiotic to go so I can start the new drug then. It should start to make a difference within a month. That means I have close to eight weeks to go before I get some relief.
I am supposed to take the Chantix once I go off of the antibiotic because it too can affect my stomach. My belly has been through enough lately on this stupid 30 day course of drugs so I am not looking forward to something that lists “upset stomach” as a side effect. I would like a reprieve, thank you very much.
I really want to start the Chantix so I can begin the process of quitting smoking. I know how detrimental that is to me and how much it has been affecting me in my other health issues. I also know that quitting smoking will save the German and me around $5k a year. That’s a trip to Germany each year simply by quitting smoking! Amazing!
Anyhoo, I just needed to put it out there that the depression is kicking my ass. Completely. Utterly. Thoroughly. This is of the suck.
11 September 2007
Book 'em, Dano
The weather today has reminded me of how much I enjoy rainy days. Particularly those spent curled up with a good book. I have not picked my next reading selection since finishing “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” on its release date of July 21st. It’s not as though there is nothing to read at home; on the contrary, I have shelf after shelf filled with books of all sorts that I have yet to break open. Today just reminded me that it is time to select my latest tome and climb into my chair with a beverage and enjoy.
Hmmm, what to choose…. Fiction, non-fiction, oh there is that wonderful collection of short stories just begging to be selected… With the way the depression has been lately there is some poetry that is a bit dark and I probably should stay away from it until I begin the new meds and am feeling a bit less “blue”.
At times I go to my old stand by’s and re-read a personal favorite like “Rebecca”, “The Poisonwood Bible” or “To Kill a Mockingbird”. However, I think it is time to break out a never-before-seen tome and read something new, something light, something fun… I can hardly wait to peruse the shelves and announce a winner.
Hmmm, what to choose…. Fiction, non-fiction, oh there is that wonderful collection of short stories just begging to be selected… With the way the depression has been lately there is some poetry that is a bit dark and I probably should stay away from it until I begin the new meds and am feeling a bit less “blue”.
At times I go to my old stand by’s and re-read a personal favorite like “Rebecca”, “The Poisonwood Bible” or “To Kill a Mockingbird”. However, I think it is time to break out a never-before-seen tome and read something new, something light, something fun… I can hardly wait to peruse the shelves and announce a winner.
06 September 2007
Mother's little helper
I saw the doctor. I asked for help. I am the proud owner of a script for Lexapro. I have yet to take it. I am on a new round of antibiotics for the ever present UTI that will not vacate so I want to see how I react to this 30 day regimen of very strong drugs before I tackle a new anti-depressant.
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, it ain't easy being me.
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, it ain't easy being me.
04 September 2007
Depression - part deux
The beast has reared its ugly head once again… The depression is back and in full bloom. I can not seem to shake it and that makes it even worse.
There was no trigger… The German and I are doing well, Mama is still doing well from her cancer, Daddy is recuperating nicely from his surgery, job is good, no money worries… Grrrr, usually I can pinpoint something that got me going. This time, nada, zip, nothing. Not even a clue as to what the underlying issue may be (if there even is one).
It gets to be overwhelming. The depression can suffocate the good happening around me and snuff out the light. I do okay at work because I do not have time to deal with it while I am there. But once I get in the car to leave – BAM! Now I have time for the pain, damn it. The difficulty lies in that most of my time away from the office is spent in a daze. I have my good moments, moments I relish and am thankful for; however, the bad seems to overshadow the good more and more these past weeks.
Although there is such a pre-conceived notion about depression being a mental illness, I know better. I know what is wrong with me is a chemical imbalance in my brain, a physical ailment instead. So I have made an executive decision regarding this. One that I hope will be for the good. I am going back on my meds. I am doing so out of necessity because I do not like being this way nor is it fair to those that I love to have to deal with me in this condition. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to follow up on my holter monitor and am going to ask for a prescription tomorrow. Hopefully a happier Klinde will come as a result.
I tend to experience side effects on meds. Night sweats (which are particularly joyful now that I am pre-menopausal), lucid dreams (think Salvador Dali paintings) and sleeplessness… I have weighed the options and decided that I will just have to live through that part because what I am currently dealing with is too much for my curly head to wrap around itself.
I will keep you posted.
PS: Auntie D, if you read this, I did not call because it’s been hard on me to admit I need to get back on the meds. Sorry! Love you!
There was no trigger… The German and I are doing well, Mama is still doing well from her cancer, Daddy is recuperating nicely from his surgery, job is good, no money worries… Grrrr, usually I can pinpoint something that got me going. This time, nada, zip, nothing. Not even a clue as to what the underlying issue may be (if there even is one).
It gets to be overwhelming. The depression can suffocate the good happening around me and snuff out the light. I do okay at work because I do not have time to deal with it while I am there. But once I get in the car to leave – BAM! Now I have time for the pain, damn it. The difficulty lies in that most of my time away from the office is spent in a daze. I have my good moments, moments I relish and am thankful for; however, the bad seems to overshadow the good more and more these past weeks.
Although there is such a pre-conceived notion about depression being a mental illness, I know better. I know what is wrong with me is a chemical imbalance in my brain, a physical ailment instead. So I have made an executive decision regarding this. One that I hope will be for the good. I am going back on my meds. I am doing so out of necessity because I do not like being this way nor is it fair to those that I love to have to deal with me in this condition. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to follow up on my holter monitor and am going to ask for a prescription tomorrow. Hopefully a happier Klinde will come as a result.
I tend to experience side effects on meds. Night sweats (which are particularly joyful now that I am pre-menopausal), lucid dreams (think Salvador Dali paintings) and sleeplessness… I have weighed the options and decided that I will just have to live through that part because what I am currently dealing with is too much for my curly head to wrap around itself.
I will keep you posted.
PS: Auntie D, if you read this, I did not call because it’s been hard on me to admit I need to get back on the meds. Sorry! Love you!
20 August 2007
Complete and utter panic!
I am in the midst of an uncontrollable panic attack. There is nothing that has happened to trigger it. I can not control it and my heart is beating out of my chest. I took a walk to the CVS by my office and they have a monitor there. My pressure was 170/100!!! It’s usually like 90/60 so the feeling that it is about to beat out of my chest is not just in my mind. It’s kind freaking me out (which, of course, fuels the panic attack).
I have really thought about what could be the cause…. Parents are doing well, husband and I are fine, money is not a problem, no issues at work, and nothing should be causing such a tremendous bout with this.
I have experienced this before; however, I can generally pin point some cause, a reasoning behind it. When that is the case I am usually able to find some clarity to help myself get over it. That is not the case today. And since I am struggling to determine the source it sort of fuels it even more so.
I have had a Xanax. Only one as I need to be able to be fully functional at work and I will need to drive the 20 miles home. I have an obligation at 6:00p tonight to practice for the Dragon Boat race this weekend so I do not have the luxury of going home and attempting to meditate and relax.
Ugh! This is of the suck
I have really thought about what could be the cause…. Parents are doing well, husband and I are fine, money is not a problem, no issues at work, and nothing should be causing such a tremendous bout with this.
I have experienced this before; however, I can generally pin point some cause, a reasoning behind it. When that is the case I am usually able to find some clarity to help myself get over it. That is not the case today. And since I am struggling to determine the source it sort of fuels it even more so.
I have had a Xanax. Only one as I need to be able to be fully functional at work and I will need to drive the 20 miles home. I have an obligation at 6:00p tonight to practice for the Dragon Boat race this weekend so I do not have the luxury of going home and attempting to meditate and relax.
Ugh! This is of the suck
13 August 2007
Bad dreams
I had a nightmare. You know how it goes... Wakes you up breathless with your heart pounding...
I dreamed Mama survived cancer only to die in a car wreck. I even vividly remember hearing about it on the radio on my way to work... Wreck at Broadway, fatality involved... Missed call on my cell from Daddy... I was in too much traffic on 440 to answer. Got to work and realized I missed another call... Still too busy to call back.
She's good, thank goodness. And whether you believe it or not, there has been occasions my nightmares come true. I know she is not headed down that route soon. Of. The. Good.
I dreamed Mama survived cancer only to die in a car wreck. I even vividly remember hearing about it on the radio on my way to work... Wreck at Broadway, fatality involved... Missed call on my cell from Daddy... I was in too much traffic on 440 to answer. Got to work and realized I missed another call... Still too busy to call back.
She's good, thank goodness. And whether you believe it or not, there has been occasions my nightmares come true. I know she is not headed down that route soon. Of. The. Good.
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