Is it possible to have your sense of humor surgically removed?

I posted this photo of my (then) 86 year Nana on FB (via Easter 2008). I tagged family. I am new to FB but I knew the photo would hit their walls due to the tag. I did not know my commentary would go along for the ride. That is not an excuse, simply the truth.

I can not remember exactly what I wrote but it verged on my writing that she thought the L was for her first name and that I am mean to little old ladies that way. I did this knowing my family would get the inside joke.

I was wrong.

I had a first cousin and her husband insinuate that I was deliberately cruel. That it was wrong. That if I did not remove said photo, they would delete me from FB. Etc, etc, etc.

If you have met me, deliberate cruelty is not my forte. Yes, I can be sharp tongued, but I would not harm a fly. I was mortified and deeply hurt.

I did not mention this to said cousin for almost a day so I could get my bearings and not write to her with raw emotions. I needed to calm down,

I had anothter first cousin write that it was funny "and besides she is such a good sport".

I had an aunt write that the Easter Bunny should "leave Ex-Lax eggs in your Easter Basket, lol".

No go.... Kill joy still thought I was intentionally cruel. Ironically, the last note my cousin wrote was entitled "This note may contain sarcasm". I wanted to scream the note may contain it; however, do you UNDERSTAND it?????

I mentioned this to my grandmother today. Not my cousin's comments, nor those of her husband. Not the debacle with my cousin as I would not put my Nana in a frame of mind to know I was upset at another of her grandchildren. I wanted her to know. She is not a computer person and would have never seen this herself. I tell her when I post about her and print it for her to read. Unless it is about my mom's cancer, but that is a different story and not relevant now.

YES, I DID tell the woman the L stood for looser *after* snapping said photo. Alas, she had just lost a game. Her response that day was to snap me with a dish towel and giggle. Her response today was "have they lost their sense of humor?"

I told her this while she made her coffee whilst wearing pajamas adorned with sock monkeys. I asked if I could post that photo. She said no. Only because her hair was a mess and that she was not wearing lipstick. She is cool that way and I know that my sense of humor was handed to me from Mama via her.

I hope I am that cool if I make it to my 80s.

And as a side note, they did delete me, but not my German. I remedied that and deleted them from his account.

My day in a nutshell....

I am out running errands, you know the score. I am wearing the hoodie in the photo.

I dash into Exxon and stand in line to pay for my purchase. The nice man behind the counter says to me "Your sweatshirt says Hamburg". "That is in Germany you know". Wow! A twofer, gum AND a geography lesson. Sweet!

In the car I have an epiphany... Omigosh! I no longer have to worry about being unemployed because I have a talking hoodie! I will make millions, baby!

My thoughts on the past six months

My last hiatus is my previous post. To say that my life has been tumultuous is a vast understatement. As previously posted, I was laid off on 8/25. Am I gainfully employed yet? Uh, no.... There have been offers that I declined for various reasons, not a good fit, the salary was completely unacceptable, etc, etc.... Hindsight can be a bitch and I wonder if I was mistaken in not taking something but I go forward. I have a second and third interview next week that completely excite me. In all honesty it is the first opportunity that excites me and that I actually want! I won't go into detail; however, if you are the praying type, I would appreciate it; otherwise, positive vibes are also accepted.

My depression has run rampant. Unfortunately my lack of a decent paycheck has caused a budget short fall on the homefront. Cuts were made and my script for anti-depressants was a victim. Somehow electricity and food won. Crazy, huh? Pun DEFINITELY intended....

To say we are struggling financially is an understatement. I have barrelled through two 401k accounts to avoid foreclosure. That is not an option. But I am scraping the bottom. March's mortgage is in the bag, it is April that I dread. Plus I learned from taking out the 401k accounts we actually OWE the government close to $1k. It will work itself out somehow. I have faith in the Lord above. Even if I have to wait tables at the local IHOP to make it, I will do what I have to do. I am not too proud to keep us afloat. I will be 43 on 4/3 and the last thing I want to do is move back in with my parents. Not that they have the room for us anyway, Daddy would have to give up his computer room... And I am certain they do not want three more tenants because the kitty is a non-negotiable roomie as well.

As if there is not enough rain on my parade Mama has had a recurrence. She has a new spot on what is left of her left lung. It is resting on her pulmonary artery. She had a biopsy in January. There were complications a few days later which resulted in a four day stint at Vandy. They only told me about it because a friend of theirs convinced them to. They did not want to worry me. Like I don't worry about the beast each and every day coming back and claiming my mother. WTF? To top it off, there is a pinpoint spot on her right lung as well. She outlived her original diagnosis by almost a year now. The spot on the left is inoperable and she is not a candidate for radiation. Both are due to the scarring from the previous surgery and radiation. Three passes were attempted to accurately biopsy the spot to no avail. Since it is wrapped around the pulmonary artery it was far too risky to try further. She developed a pulmonary pneumothorax. She looked like Quasimodo. Medical students and interns alike all looked at the wonder of her fist sized hump. Sheesh. My mother lived a "Grey's Anatomy" moment without a single visit from McDreamy. The course of treatment is "wait and see". Did I ever mention that I am completely inpatient? My attention span can last anywhere from one to sixty seconds barring anything shiny being dangled in front of me.

Gentle reader, there is a positive in all of this.... on 9/7/08, Ambie and the chef welcomed their first child, my niece, Ela. She is beautiful, healthy, and completely adorable. The German is visiting them as I type this as he is traveling on business and made a short detour to meet the newest addition to the family. He has smothered her in kisses and refuses to give her to either parent. As gruff as my German can be, he is a total sucker for babies and children adore him. I would have loved to have made the trip with him but the seeking of employment is an impediment. I know the chef and Ambie understand and Ela is too young to know the difference. But I want to be part of her life and will!

So, that is all the news fit to print. I have missed you Bloggyland. I have renewed my Visa and plan to visit more often.

Mental constipation

I have not been blogging as much as I would like to. That is not to say there have not been things happening which would make for good blog fodder, it is more along the lines that I am mentally constipated and can not seem to get any of the ideas out… Unfortunately there is not a Dulcolax for the brain, so in a manner of speaking, I have been shit outta luck…

If I can manage a brain dump (put most definitely intended) then I will back to entertain the three readers I have with my witty repartee and amazing story telling abilities (feel free to laugh).

However, something happened just two days ago that I felt compelled to share… It, of course, involves my German.

To say that mein Deutscher is bad with money is a gross understatement. His idea of checking the balance is to drive through ATM and see what it reads. That is the balance he goes by. Even if I explain that there is $700 but $600 will be out in bills all he sees is a $700 balance and thinks it is fine to hit the fast cash option of $100 bucks and be on his merry way. That, of course, wreaks havoc on our finances and leaves us with a negative balance and then money will have to be transferred from savings to take care of his faux pas. He is notorious for this. It has caused major disagreements between us. I have tried to explain it to him to no avail.

Fast forward to two days ago… My German was on a business trip in Florida. I told him he could take out $30 dollars for spending money. Of course all things such as his hotel, food and gas are covered, but in case he wanted a beer, he needed a little pocket money. So yesterday as I check the online balance, I see he saw fit to take out $60 instead of the $30 I allotted for him. Being the miserly wife that I am I called him in Florida to see what the deal was…. He said the ATM did not give him an option for $30 so he took $60 instead. I calmly asked why he did not type in a dollar amount and he could not give me a good answer. He spent $5 to get a pack of smokes (yes, I know we need to quit, but that is not the point here). The rest of the cash (2 twenties, a ten and a five) were tucked under the garage door opener clipped to the visor. Well my German decided since it was such a lovely day, he would cruise around with the windows open….

Let me tell you that lightweight cash versus the wind of two open windows in a Ford F250 going 70 down the highway will always loose…. Yes, the 2 twenties went flying out the window….

My husband LITERALLY threw money out the window!!

He’s lucky I love him so….

Whining...

The building I work in has ten floors. It just happens I work on the 6th floor. My company is spread out amongst four of them. Therefore, I spend a lot of time riding an elevator. There are large windows in the elevators where you can look out and watch traffic or pedestrians go by. I call it “elevator TV” but that is not what this is about. This is about a pet peeve of mine….

Just because we are in the same elevator does not mean we have to talk!

I am so happy to get that off of my chest. Now I can go about my day.

They don't call it the "big muddy" for nothin!

Behold the mighty Mississippi river and the power that Mother Nature has… These photos are from earlier today.

This is my satellite office in Louisiana along the banks of the river. I just paid a visit there on March 25th long before the flooding began. The sand bags you see were being put in place then in anticipation of the water levels.

Here is a view of the river from the parking lot... Please note the signs for reserved parking are almost submerged. The employees are parking about a 1/4th of a mile away and walking down. Then they are towed into the area in a little boat on a tow line. You have to watch out for the water moccasins!! No, I am not kidding...



Here is a large truck going thru the parking lot. Toward the bottom of the photo is the Mississippi breaching the banks.



Another view... This time from a top a barge on the river. The almost completely submerged bridge used to be what lead you onto the barge floating there.



Here are the offices my co-workers are in. As I type this, they are evacuating them because the river has yet to crest and they are expecting another couple of feet.



Here is a view of the offices from aboard the barge. That is the Mississippi creeping up on them only held off by a few sand bags....



And you thought you were having a bad day......

42 years in the making....

I sit here today pondering my 42 years on this planet. Yes, today is my birthday. I was born on April 3, 1966. It was a Palm Sunday in San Antonio, Texas where I made my debut. Believe it or not I had enough hair to pull up when I finally decided to enter the world.

I am an only child. I know, I know, there are so many clichés that go with that title. Yes, I am a tad bit spoiled even in my 40s. Don’t be hating on me because of it. I try not to ask for many things; however, my parents are very generous and I am very blessed. In all honesty, if the Lord asked me to pick any two people in the world to be my parents, I would have selected them. They are loving, loyal, compassionate, faithful, honest, caring people. I could use a thousand more positive things to describe them; however, I won’t. It would take pages to describe what good souls they both are and continue to be.

I have a multitude of first cousins. I am close to some but not all of them. It is a large generation gap in that some of my first cousins are actually older than my father. Kinda weirds me out when I think about it…. My paternal grandmother had her first child in 1915 and my Daddy, who is the baby, came along in 1939. Kinda all spread out… My maternal grandmother (Nana) gave birth to five children. My Mama is the middle child. They are a little spread out in that my youngest Aunt (Auntie D) is 11 years younger than Mama and 11 years older than me. She is like my big sister. I am grateful for her and love her tremendously.

Over the course of my 42 years I have learned many life lessons. Lessons that I would like to share with you now. So without further adieu let’s get started, shall we?

Do not under any circumstances define yourself by who you are in a relationship with at all! There was a time that people only knew me as Mrs. (name of first husband here) and did not actually know my name. It bothered me but not enough to speak up. Now I know better. I am not Mrs. or Frau (Mein Deutscher). I am Klinde, but you all know that’s not my real name but I digress…

Do not let people take advantage of you. Too many times I was burned because I would allow people to walk all over me. I was too intimidated to speak up for fear they would no longer like. I had the mad desire to please everyone all the time and would let people run me over. Now I speak up and make my voice heard and if someone disagrees or doesn’t want to be around me because of it, so be it. At least I got it off of my chest and I can not sit and sulk or worry over it.

Learn to handle money. I was a victim of credit abuse. I loved the instant purchasing power that Visa gave me. I fell into debt that was in the five figure category. Thanks to my gracious parents, they bailed me out, not once, not twice, but three times. I no longer have any type of credit card because I know I can not control myself with them. If I can’t pay for it with cash, then I can’t have it, plain and simple. No, I did not learn this from Dave Ramsey, I did this on my own because I know how I am.

You have no biological children, so what? Yes, I know that a big dream of mine was to have a bunch of rug rats. God had a different plan for me. I do not understand it; however, I do accept it because He knows better than I. The caveat is that I hate not giving my parents a grandchild because that was always a dream of theirs. My bloodline ends with me. It is a depressing thought but one that I will live with gracefully. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally in love with my seven year old step son, but wanted one of my very own. I think most women feel that need to be a mom but it just wasn’t in the cards for me.

I have a very addictive personality. Admittedly so, and I am still a work in progress on this one. There are many hurdles. When I say addictive it does not refer to drugs and alcohol, but a multitude of sins. My current addiction is playing games online. Past addictions have included cross-stitching, pottery, UT football, needlepoint, and decorating just to name a few…

So after 42 years I would like to say I have learned a little something about this thing we call life. Hopefully there will be more valuable lessons learned as I venture on my path.

Things that make you go "hmmm".....

There are things that you read that make emotions well up inside you and make you pause and think. I am a step-mom. I am physically unable to have children. I always wanted to be a mother but God had a different plan for me and while I do not understand it I do accept the path He laid before me.

Right now I have quite a few friends that are pregnant as well as my sister-in-law. Seems these things always happen in groups just like all the weddings I will be attending this summer.

With that being said, I read this I wondered what I would do in a similar situation? How do you live knowing that the newly created life you carry will end almost as soon as it begins? Being Catholic I was raised to believe abortion is murder; however, there are some parts of Catholic doctrine that I do not fully agree with (but that is a post for a different day). This just made me sad and made me hurt for the poor families; however, I respect the hell out of their decision if that is what was best for them. Who am I to judge what is the most healing for them?

It was just something that made me think....

WTF?????

So my German is working a show for his company. It is a huge show that has over 1500 vendors and he is in charge of the crew for his company. He has been working 12-16hour days for the past three weeks without a day off. He is exhausted but happy as he is a work horse and thrives under that type of situation. His work ethic is phenomenal to say the very least. The company mein Deutscher works for is, ironically, a German based company (go figure). He is employed by the North American headquarters. The home office is located close to the Frankfurt/Cologne area.

With that being said, he was approached by someone from the German-based operations regarding what he is doing here in the good ole U.S. of A. That person wants him to consider doing the same thing for the international company. Did I mention that this would probably base him out of the Frankfurt office???

Gentle reader, if you have been following me for any length of time you know that I attempted German lessons and failed miserably. I have no aptitude for the Germanic language. I perpetually sound as though I have a hair ball when trying to enunciate the few words I know. How in the hell would I be able to live in country where I can not speak the language? Furthermore, how would I survive being seven time zones away from my parents? Hell, I am only seven miles away from them right now and that is fine by me. I don't know what I would do to have that much distance between us. I am an only child and have an incredible relationship with them. Their health has been an issue for the past couple of years and I do not think I could handle being separated from them by the Atlantic.

I am at a loss. I am confused and frightened by the entire prospect. It is a huge compliment to my husband that the efforts he puts forth have been recognized on a very high level. I appreciate that and love him all the more for it. However, what about me?! I love visiting Germany but to live there? I am making lists of pros and cons. I am thinking. I spent an hour with Daddy this morning discussing this. I am praying. Lord knows I need His divine guidance.

I wish I could have....

In no particular order, here are some things I wish I could have done while being out of work with mono...

1. Pedicure
2. Hair cut & color
3. Cleaned the bathroom
4. Give Scout a bath
5. Organize the desk
6. Study my German lessons
7. Organized my DVD collection

But alas, I was too damned tired to do any of it!

Nervous Nellie

I am getting nervous... For the first time since February 19th I am going back to work on Monday. I still have mono but it is much less than it was. I am still tired but not as badly as I was before.

I am not nervous about actually working. What I am worried about is getting over-tired and having to depend upon my parents for too much... Like food, laundry and cleaning the house. I mean I am less than a month away from turning 42 and having to have my parents help with some basic needs is a bit embarrassing.

I am looking forward to returning to the office and having some interaction with other living beings besides Scout... No offense to her but you know what I mean. It will be a bit strange sitting at a computer and not having her beached on my lap. She is a good lap warmer to say the least. However, I have only been out of the house a few times since the 19th. Three trips to see the doctor, one time to get cat litter and one outing for cat food. Other than that I have relied on my parents to do anything else I need.

Wish me luck...

Klutzy Klinde

As you may recall my adventures of woman vs. toilet I am a klutz. Total klutz! I once tripped over a painted line, seriously!

I have had another run in, this time it was not with my head against the toilet, thankfully. This time I got my ass kicked by a cardboard box! No, I am not kidding. I was getting ready for bed and reached to turn off the lamp by the desk. I lost my footing and came down hard while creating a 4.5 inch gash directly above my left hip bone. You know how much a papercut can hurt? Well try to imagine what the corner of a damned box is like! It is at such an angle that I can not photograph it myself. It is so bad that I am bruised to boot.

I am pitiful.

Lessons learned - NOT!

I have a bad habit... A really bad habit... I have the tendency to not think before speaking or twittering. After 41 years, you would think I would have learned, but no.... I come by it naturally, women in my family have done the same. Today I would like to share a few of these with you.

Example one, we play this stupid game as a family... Here's how it goes... You pick real words that end in the letter O and you make up a question about it as if it were one of the Marx brothers (Groucho, not Karl). Like what three Marx brothers are chips? Dorito, Tostito and Frito... Get it? I thought you would. Well Mama, Nana and I were sitting in Hobby airport to fly back to Nashville. Mama asked me what Marx brother was a "toy" and I said "Dildo". Nana looks at me and asks what a dildo is.. I begin to snort as does my mother. I don't answer and my mother doesn't either. This does not bode well with my nana. She asks again... Now I have tears rolling down my face and I have almost fallen off my chair. Don't get me wrong, it pleases me that a woman in her eighties does not know what a dildo is, truly it does. Well my grandmother is getting more upset that we are cackling and snorting so she stands up and loudly asks us (using both mine and Mama's first and middle names to really make her point) "what is a dildo"? Unfortunately, she had raised her voice and everyone around us went completely silent. I actually did fall off of the chair and then quietly told Nana what it was... Everyone was still staring at us... My grandmother turned to me and said "who the hell would want one of those"? Fortunately it was then time to board the plane and our fellow passengers broke out into applause.

Example two, I was at the doctor's office with my mother when the doctor came in my purse started buzzing. I casually told Mama to get the vibrator out for me... My mother did not bat an eye and reached into my bag knowing exactly what I meant... And what I really meant was to get my vibrating cell phone. I turned crimson and the doctor had to leave the room to regain her composure.

I promise example three is not about sex toys...

Example three, I was on the phone at the doctors office talking to HR about my leave of absence. I told her that I needed the insurance info so I could get my STD taken care of... What I meant (and HR knew too) was short-term disability for my being out with mono. Unfortunately everyone in my doc's office now thinks I have syphillis.

Me and my big mouth.

Sicky poo

Seems I like I am always blogging about being sick or depressed or something that always is a downer. I can't believe I have contracted mono for a third time at 41 years old!! I am wiped out.... And believe me, that is an understatement! I slept about 35 hours this weekend. I am still going to work. I can barely keep my eyes open now and it is only 7:30. I am trying to stay awake to watch my favorite show but it does not come on until 9:00 so I may not make it. I am a dud.

Truly, I have become my cat. Only I am getting a mere 10 hours of sleep a day.

The poor German is relegated to all household duties. Cooking, cleaning, doing my bidding. I try not to take advantage; however, I am so freaking tired that I can barely manuever the stairs after an 8.5 hour day at work. Thankfully my boss is understanding and suggested (as did the doc) that I take a week or two off to recover properly. That is not my style. I need to go to work and do my job.

I feel like I have been given a megadose of phenergan after taking a handful of Tylenol PM chased by a glass full of vodka. That is how tired I feel.

I tend to get bleary-eyed just walking around. Supposedly I should begin to feel better in 2 - 6 weeks. Look out, come Easter I should be raring to go.

I really should not complain, it could be so much worse. But you know how that goes... Whatever is wrong with you at the time seems like the worse thing ever. Right now I just want to curl up and sleep until March. That might make it all better.

"Kissing disease"

It is official…. I have mono. It is my third time around with it the first being when I was in fifth grade, the second back in 2003 and now. I have been utterly exhausted for weeks. I chalked it up to stress and depression never thinking it could be a recurrence of mono. Then something struck me when I was at the doctor’s office on Monday…. Maybe it is mono that is zapping me of all energy and leaving me yearning to do nothing more than snooze.

I remember being tired the other two times. I remember barely being able to crawl out of bed. I slept about 18 hours a day. I became my cat.

I worry about this bout because the last time I had mono I packed on about 10 pounds due to lack of any form of exercise. Sleeping does not burn many calories nor does lying on the couch channel surfing. I have worked hard to loose almost fifty pounds over the past two years. I did not gain it overnight so why expect to loose it quickly.

Bottom line, if you see me with my head on the table, don’t bother waking me up. I am too damned tired to care.

Woe is me..

It is just another day in paradise here. I finally have moved along from the depression that was the centerpiece of my existence only to get physcially ill. I carry my stress around quite literally and it often manifests itself into an illness of sorts. I have had my IBS kick in for the past 10 days am now dehydrated and had to call in sick from work today. I have the shakes. I have been in bed since last night around 10:00p. I got up at 3:30 because I know it is the only way I will be able to sleep through the night tonight.

I went to the doctor yesterday to get things checked out. I was referred to a gastro doc and can not been seen until Monday. I am fairly certain there is another colonoscopy in my future. I dread that... Not so much the procedure as the prep. It is horrific and nauseating.

I was also tested for mono. You see I carry the Epstein Barr virus and am prone to mono. I last was full-blown with mono in 2003. I was not contagious (which is strange) and I was off of work for six weeks and slept as much as my my kitty does. It was not a fun time, let me tell you.

I truly hate that my blogging has turned to negative things for this time. I need an outlet to vent. I am sorry my few readers are suffering along with what is wrong with Klinde today. I a praying it gets better.

It is not just about me

Sometimes all it takes is a little perspective. A little jolt to realize that when you think you have it bad, you really do not at all.

On my drive in to the office yesterday morning I was having a pity party for one. I was down and letting the blues get the better of me. I was channel surfing the airwaves as well trying to find a morning show that did not bug the crap out of me. I rolled over to 1510AM (not my typical stop) and I heard the following story about how the DJ lost his son in a tragic drowning accident at home. The child was only two and a half...

Suddenly my problems were miniscule. To be frank, I do not even remember what it was that triggered my doldrums. My prayers instead focus to the positives in my life and to the family that suffered such a tragic, horrific loss.

My cup runneth over.

Mixed Signals

I have to bitch about something. This *drives* me insane… It is the fact that people ignore a groovy little device in their vehicle. You see, there is a contraption on the left side of the steering column called the turn signal…. Use it! Remember to turn it off after using it. It is a simple thing but it would save so much grief in my little universe.

Oh, another thing that bugs the hell out of me? Those drivers who can not seem to figure out the difference between yield and merge. C’mon now, yielding means that you yield to traffic while the all-important merge means you go with the flow and actually work your way into the moving cars around you. It ain’t rocket science…. But to some of you out there it must be…

Also, if you are coming from 40 east headed onto 440 west, quit zooming down the left lane until the last possible moment and then cutting people off by crossing the striped lines. When I honk at you it is because cutting me off is wrong… Illegal and dangerous. It does not give you the right to flip me off because you are the jack-ass who did not manage to get into the proper lane. You are not that important. We all have lives and places to be. I would like to get to my destination without having a wreck or a tension headache from clenching every muscle in my body for fear of hitting you or being hit.

*Jumping off of soap box*

Thank you for your attention in these very important matters.

Christmas is over

I never intended to take this long of a break. Life has a habit of getting in the way. Not to mention the whirlwind of emotions which overwhelm me during the Christmas season. The depression took hold with grip like a falcon’s talons. It dug its mighty claws into me and would not release. Faith and prayer is what it took to survive until January 2nd for the season to be at an end and for a semblance of normalcy to return. Not that I had a bad season, on the contrary, it was okay except for the massive dips in emotion. Unless you experience it, it is difficult to explain that there is beauty and good amongst the ugly and bad. That is what keeps you sane even if only dangling by a thread.

That; however, is not what this is about. This is about the positive aspects that come out of living through the darkness. It is the tidbits of joy that you find that help you to focus and hold on. It is experiencing truly beautiful moments with family that you cling to and file away for another time to relive over and over again. It is time with friends that you hold dear to your heart and that you toast with a bit of Christmas cheer. It is the laughter of children as they revel in delight with what the season has to offer. These moments, sometimes a mere glimpse, are what you need to make each day a bit brighter through the harshness of depression and waning emotion.

Perseverance is crucial. Your very foundation can be rocked without it and without the assistance of those you love and surround yourself with each day. I am eternally blessed with loving, beautiful people who try to help me when despair takes over and I start drowning in a sea of emotion. My amazing husband is learning tactics to help me when I am overwrought. My equally amazing mother has been trying to coach him as to how to best handle the situation and help me wade through my depression. Without them both I would be lost. I would cave in and be curled up in a ball in a dark place.

Through the bad I saw the good. For that I am grateful and I give thanks.

Letter to a 13 year old me....

The rules are simple:
* Link back to the person who tagged you. And that would be the lovely Kerstin
* Send a letter back in time to your 13 year old self.
* Tag 5 more people to do this meme.

Dear Klinde,

What a long, strange trip it has been…. I am coming to you from my 41st year in life to reach out to you in 1979 when you were a mere 13 year old struggling with leaving Texas and moving to Tennessee. I know it was a tough move for you, but hey, you could have wound up in Des Moines so it really is not that bad.

You will experience many challenges leaving south Texas that you really did not expect. You will learn neighbors will not let their children play with you because you are Catholic. I know you will not understand that because I still do not. You will still be proud of the fact and not hide from it regardless of the outcome. You will learn that Tennessee public schools suck as opposed to those in Texas. You will have little to no homework. You should apply yourself a bit more and keep enrolling in the honor courses because they will teach you a great deal more and help you learn to study when you are in college because you certainly do not have good habits in that.

You will try too hard to fit in with the “in crowd”. Your ADD will rear its ugly head and you will struggle with being way too hyper in situations. You will not make varsity cheerleader the first go around; however, you will the years following. Please do not define yourself by finally making it to the cooler group of people. You will not keep in touch with any of them within a year of graduation.

When you are 16 you will have your first real boyfriend. You will be with him on and off for nine years. You will learn a lot about what it is you truly want out of a relationship. You will keep in touch with him a couple of times a year – especially on birthdays, but not really more than that.

You will have a difficult time in college. During a sabbatical from the nine year relationship you will fall for a guy you think is so very cool…. Run, do not walk, away!! And quickly! He is a drug dealer. He will beat the shit out of you on a regular basis and he will hold you hostage in his house. No one will come to your rescue because he makes you call your parents regularly and they have no idea. If you mess up again and get into this, escape on your very first opportunity! Run like the wind and do not look back! His rationale of doing this because he “loves you so much” is a bunch of shit. Don’t buy into it. Love does not hurt like that.

As you get older you will make many mistakes with men. Falling for them too quickly, moving in with them. You need to realize that you have to love yourself first before you can truly love and be loved by someone else. It is a difficult lesson to learn and it may take you many years and many frogs.

Regarding your first husband… Don’t beat yourself up too badly for having married him. I was there… I remember thinking it was time to get married because I was 29 and all my friends were married and had babies. That is not the reason to marry someone. He was not a bad man, just a bad choice of husband for you (I mean me, uh, er, us). However, the strength and grace you have as you leave him after his affairs and divorce him sets a tone and you finally realize your self-worth. Perhaps without that experience I would not be the woman I am now. And as an added bonus, if you would not have left him, you would not have been there when Daddy was home and had his heart attack. Daddy would have died but you saved him. This will be one of your proudest moments and it will bond the two of you in a way that you have never experienced to date.

When the German first tells you he loves you, quit pushing him away and treating him so badly the first year. Quit telling him to leave you alone. Remember, he is going to come over on May 2, 2004 and clean your gutters at the house. You are going to take him to dinner to thank him and he is never going to leave and you are going to be very happy with that situation.

Other miscellaneous notes:

* Spend time with your family. Mama is going to be diagnosed with lung cancer in 2006. You are going to be devastated. You are going to push through it. You are going to thank God for each and every day you still have her.

* When you first go on antidepressants, stay on them. Your mood swings will be much more controllable.

* Stop spending money like you have an endless supply. Put a bunch in your 401k.

* Don’t start smoking again when you leave the ex-husband. It won’t make anything better.

* Remember to be grateful for the blessings in your life.

* Do not be upset that you can not have biological children. There are far worse things that could happen and these things happen for a reason. Whether or not you understand the reason is a completely different matter.

I hope this has helped you get a glimpse into what is to come. There will good and bad; however, there will also be incredible moments. Relish them and enjoy the ride!

Love,
Klinde


I am tagging:

Gingersnaps
SaucyGrrl
Jag
Kristina
CP