My thoughts on the past six months

My last hiatus is my previous post. To say that my life has been tumultuous is a vast understatement. As previously posted, I was laid off on 8/25. Am I gainfully employed yet? Uh, no.... There have been offers that I declined for various reasons, not a good fit, the salary was completely unacceptable, etc, etc.... Hindsight can be a bitch and I wonder if I was mistaken in not taking something but I go forward. I have a second and third interview next week that completely excite me. In all honesty it is the first opportunity that excites me and that I actually want! I won't go into detail; however, if you are the praying type, I would appreciate it; otherwise, positive vibes are also accepted.

My depression has run rampant. Unfortunately my lack of a decent paycheck has caused a budget short fall on the homefront. Cuts were made and my script for anti-depressants was a victim. Somehow electricity and food won. Crazy, huh? Pun DEFINITELY intended....

To say we are struggling financially is an understatement. I have barrelled through two 401k accounts to avoid foreclosure. That is not an option. But I am scraping the bottom. March's mortgage is in the bag, it is April that I dread. Plus I learned from taking out the 401k accounts we actually OWE the government close to $1k. It will work itself out somehow. I have faith in the Lord above. Even if I have to wait tables at the local IHOP to make it, I will do what I have to do. I am not too proud to keep us afloat. I will be 43 on 4/3 and the last thing I want to do is move back in with my parents. Not that they have the room for us anyway, Daddy would have to give up his computer room... And I am certain they do not want three more tenants because the kitty is a non-negotiable roomie as well.

As if there is not enough rain on my parade Mama has had a recurrence. She has a new spot on what is left of her left lung. It is resting on her pulmonary artery. She had a biopsy in January. There were complications a few days later which resulted in a four day stint at Vandy. They only told me about it because a friend of theirs convinced them to. They did not want to worry me. Like I don't worry about the beast each and every day coming back and claiming my mother. WTF? To top it off, there is a pinpoint spot on her right lung as well. She outlived her original diagnosis by almost a year now. The spot on the left is inoperable and she is not a candidate for radiation. Both are due to the scarring from the previous surgery and radiation. Three passes were attempted to accurately biopsy the spot to no avail. Since it is wrapped around the pulmonary artery it was far too risky to try further. She developed a pulmonary pneumothorax. She looked like Quasimodo. Medical students and interns alike all looked at the wonder of her fist sized hump. Sheesh. My mother lived a "Grey's Anatomy" moment without a single visit from McDreamy. The course of treatment is "wait and see". Did I ever mention that I am completely inpatient? My attention span can last anywhere from one to sixty seconds barring anything shiny being dangled in front of me.

Gentle reader, there is a positive in all of this.... on 9/7/08, Ambie and the chef welcomed their first child, my niece, Ela. She is beautiful, healthy, and completely adorable. The German is visiting them as I type this as he is traveling on business and made a short detour to meet the newest addition to the family. He has smothered her in kisses and refuses to give her to either parent. As gruff as my German can be, he is a total sucker for babies and children adore him. I would have loved to have made the trip with him but the seeking of employment is an impediment. I know the chef and Ambie understand and Ela is too young to know the difference. But I want to be part of her life and will!

So, that is all the news fit to print. I have missed you Bloggyland. I have renewed my Visa and plan to visit more often.

Six months later, she emerges.....

To say I have been on hiatus is a HUGE understatement. Life has a tendency to get in the way and this has been no different. It has been an eventful six months with both good and bad experiences.

Let's tackle the bad first....

My family experienced two losses of loved ones. The first was my Auntie D's hubby who passed away on June 22nd. Please keep her in your prayers as this has been a very difficult time.

The family's second loss was on September 18th. That is the day that Papa, my German's father, died peacefully in his sleep. Both deaths were completely unexpected and both have had huge impacts on loved ones. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to meet him when we went to Germany last year. To say my hubby was a wreck was an understatement. Thankfully we were able to get him to Germany in time for the funeral and to spend some time with his mother.

Also on the bad is I was laid off from my job on 8/25. Currently I am temping at a company that I would love to get on with full time. Right now the temp gig is going to run through the end of the year most likely. At least it pays the bills.

My well documented depression has gone into overdrive from the stress related above; however, the meds are doing what they are supposed to and keeping me on a somewhat even keel versus what could be full-blown, crawl under a rock and pray for death option. Of course I opt for being even keeled instead. It is much better compared to the curl up and suck your thumb version.

On the upside, my Mama's cancer is still 100% gone. Her last visit with the awesome Dr. Putnam of Vanderbilt went very well and he was very positive that she was clean. Her original diagnosis was two years. Well that was two years, seven months ago.... Her odds improve with each and every day of being a statistic for good, not evil and for that I am eternally grateful.

Also during my hiatus, mein Deustcher and I celebrated our second anniversary. There are times that it feels we have been married forever and other times that it is as if we just did so yesterday. I don't know what that means; however, that is the only way I can explain it. So sorry if it makes no sense because it makes sense to me.

There have been lessons learned during this time. My total lack of patience has been tested but somehow I made it through. My ADHD has been put through the ringer and I have still come out none the worse for wear; however, at the time I thought it would be the end of me.

During this time I have reflected on where I want to go and what I want to do as a person. I have worked on my marriage, my people skills, dealing with my depression and trying to learn to focus. Unfortunatly that does not always go as planned and for a while there I was shamelessly hooked on Pogo games. I still have very weak moments where I can play for hours and have nothing to show for it. But I have over 3 million tokens so it certainly is not a "total" waste...

So to all my blogging buddies, I am back. I have missed you. I have not had time to catch up on blogs as when I go on hiatus, I really go all out.

42 years in the making....

I sit here today pondering my 42 years on this planet. Yes, today is my birthday. I was born on April 3, 1966. It was a Palm Sunday in San Antonio, Texas where I made my debut. Believe it or not I had enough hair to pull up when I finally decided to enter the world.

I am an only child. I know, I know, there are so many clichés that go with that title. Yes, I am a tad bit spoiled even in my 40s. Don’t be hating on me because of it. I try not to ask for many things; however, my parents are very generous and I am very blessed. In all honesty, if the Lord asked me to pick any two people in the world to be my parents, I would have selected them. They are loving, loyal, compassionate, faithful, honest, caring people. I could use a thousand more positive things to describe them; however, I won’t. It would take pages to describe what good souls they both are and continue to be.

I have a multitude of first cousins. I am close to some but not all of them. It is a large generation gap in that some of my first cousins are actually older than my father. Kinda weirds me out when I think about it…. My paternal grandmother had her first child in 1915 and my Daddy, who is the baby, came along in 1939. Kinda all spread out… My maternal grandmother (Nana) gave birth to five children. My Mama is the middle child. They are a little spread out in that my youngest Aunt (Auntie D) is 11 years younger than Mama and 11 years older than me. She is like my big sister. I am grateful for her and love her tremendously.

Over the course of my 42 years I have learned many life lessons. Lessons that I would like to share with you now. So without further adieu let’s get started, shall we?

Do not under any circumstances define yourself by who you are in a relationship with at all! There was a time that people only knew me as Mrs. (name of first husband here) and did not actually know my name. It bothered me but not enough to speak up. Now I know better. I am not Mrs. or Frau (Mein Deutscher). I am Klinde, but you all know that’s not my real name but I digress…

Do not let people take advantage of you. Too many times I was burned because I would allow people to walk all over me. I was too intimidated to speak up for fear they would no longer like. I had the mad desire to please everyone all the time and would let people run me over. Now I speak up and make my voice heard and if someone disagrees or doesn’t want to be around me because of it, so be it. At least I got it off of my chest and I can not sit and sulk or worry over it.

Learn to handle money. I was a victim of credit abuse. I loved the instant purchasing power that Visa gave me. I fell into debt that was in the five figure category. Thanks to my gracious parents, they bailed me out, not once, not twice, but three times. I no longer have any type of credit card because I know I can not control myself with them. If I can’t pay for it with cash, then I can’t have it, plain and simple. No, I did not learn this from Dave Ramsey, I did this on my own because I know how I am.

You have no biological children, so what? Yes, I know that a big dream of mine was to have a bunch of rug rats. God had a different plan for me. I do not understand it; however, I do accept it because He knows better than I. The caveat is that I hate not giving my parents a grandchild because that was always a dream of theirs. My bloodline ends with me. It is a depressing thought but one that I will live with gracefully. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally in love with my seven year old step son, but wanted one of my very own. I think most women feel that need to be a mom but it just wasn’t in the cards for me.

I have a very addictive personality. Admittedly so, and I am still a work in progress on this one. There are many hurdles. When I say addictive it does not refer to drugs and alcohol, but a multitude of sins. My current addiction is playing games online. Past addictions have included cross-stitching, pottery, UT football, needlepoint, and decorating just to name a few…

So after 42 years I would like to say I have learned a little something about this thing we call life. Hopefully there will be more valuable lessons learned as I venture on my path.

Nervous Nellie

I am getting nervous... For the first time since February 19th I am going back to work on Monday. I still have mono but it is much less than it was. I am still tired but not as badly as I was before.

I am not nervous about actually working. What I am worried about is getting over-tired and having to depend upon my parents for too much... Like food, laundry and cleaning the house. I mean I am less than a month away from turning 42 and having to have my parents help with some basic needs is a bit embarrassing.

I am looking forward to returning to the office and having some interaction with other living beings besides Scout... No offense to her but you know what I mean. It will be a bit strange sitting at a computer and not having her beached on my lap. She is a good lap warmer to say the least. However, I have only been out of the house a few times since the 19th. Three trips to see the doctor, one time to get cat litter and one outing for cat food. Other than that I have relied on my parents to do anything else I need.

Wish me luck...

Lessons learned - NOT!

I have a bad habit... A really bad habit... I have the tendency to not think before speaking or twittering. After 41 years, you would think I would have learned, but no.... I come by it naturally, women in my family have done the same. Today I would like to share a few of these with you.

Example one, we play this stupid game as a family... Here's how it goes... You pick real words that end in the letter O and you make up a question about it as if it were one of the Marx brothers (Groucho, not Karl). Like what three Marx brothers are chips? Dorito, Tostito and Frito... Get it? I thought you would. Well Mama, Nana and I were sitting in Hobby airport to fly back to Nashville. Mama asked me what Marx brother was a "toy" and I said "Dildo". Nana looks at me and asks what a dildo is.. I begin to snort as does my mother. I don't answer and my mother doesn't either. This does not bode well with my nana. She asks again... Now I have tears rolling down my face and I have almost fallen off my chair. Don't get me wrong, it pleases me that a woman in her eighties does not know what a dildo is, truly it does. Well my grandmother is getting more upset that we are cackling and snorting so she stands up and loudly asks us (using both mine and Mama's first and middle names to really make her point) "what is a dildo"? Unfortunately, she had raised her voice and everyone around us went completely silent. I actually did fall off of the chair and then quietly told Nana what it was... Everyone was still staring at us... My grandmother turned to me and said "who the hell would want one of those"? Fortunately it was then time to board the plane and our fellow passengers broke out into applause.

Example two, I was at the doctor's office with my mother when the doctor came in my purse started buzzing. I casually told Mama to get the vibrator out for me... My mother did not bat an eye and reached into my bag knowing exactly what I meant... And what I really meant was to get my vibrating cell phone. I turned crimson and the doctor had to leave the room to regain her composure.

I promise example three is not about sex toys...

Example three, I was on the phone at the doctors office talking to HR about my leave of absence. I told her that I needed the insurance info so I could get my STD taken care of... What I meant (and HR knew too) was short-term disability for my being out with mono. Unfortunately everyone in my doc's office now thinks I have syphillis.

Me and my big mouth.

Auntie D's hubby

I just got off of the phone with my mom and found out my uncle has lesions on his brain and they are looking for the primary source of cancer as I type this because the lesions mean it has metastasized from another location. He is only 51 or 52 and my Auntie D (Mama's baby sis) is a mess. When I feel a bit better my mom will probably leave for Austin to help her and her family because Aunti D is having a really hard time and she is closest to my mother than her other siblings.

Certainly makes my mono pale in comparison.

I am really upset by it because Auntie D and I are very close. She is like a big sis to me because we are only 11 years apart.

Auntie D's hubby has a sis studying to be an oncologist. She is on her way to Austin to help them and ask/answer questions and say it in ways that they understand. That ought to help her out tremendously.

When it rains, it pours...

A journey begins with the first step

When I wallow in my depression I tend to do serious thinking as well. I try focusing on the positive aspects of my life and not dwell in the negatives. It can be difficult but the effort eventually pays off with a bit of respite from the doom and gloom I am mired in. With that being said I have been thinking about my spirituality and my faith.

I was born and raised Catholic. When I do manage to attend, I am still Catholic. My parents and Nana are all practicing Catholics. The German was born and raised Catholic as well. That makes for an easier piece in our marriage as we have very similar beliefs and were raised in the same faith.

Lately I have been putting my spiritual self to the side. I have not been feeding it as it should be. I have not protected it nor sheltered it. I have let it drift. I believe that there are three parts to each of us that must be maintained: Spiritual, mental and physical. I am working on both the mental and physical aspects by trying to get a handle on my depression and by loosing almost fifty pounds in the past two years. I am proud of the weight loss. It was a long process as I did not gain that much overnight; therefore, I should not expect to loose it instantly. However, that is now what this is about… As usual, I digress.

I realize that my journey is not on the correct path. That I have slipped from where I need to be in my walk with God is an understatement. I have not spent the time in prayer and meditation that I used to. I have not been speaking to God about blessings. It has merely been all about me and what He can do for me. There is no other way to put it… I have been a selfish Christian.

I do not like the hollow feeling that gives me. I worry about getting back on track and living what I believe not just thinking about it. I miss the high I get from feeling at one with God after prayer. I miss going to church. That is something the German and I agreed we would do as husband and wife and it has been over a year since either of us set foot in Cathedral. I worry about both of us spiritually. Yes, we say blessings together before meals. Yes, we pray together about certain things but mostly our faith is our own personal belonging.

I need to refocus and redirect my life back onto my spiritual path and back to the Lord. I need to rededicate my life to Him. I know in my heart if I do so all the other things which are overwhelming now will become trivial if I have the courage and faith to put them into His hands. I need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

Christmas is over

I never intended to take this long of a break. Life has a habit of getting in the way. Not to mention the whirlwind of emotions which overwhelm me during the Christmas season. The depression took hold with grip like a falcon’s talons. It dug its mighty claws into me and would not release. Faith and prayer is what it took to survive until January 2nd for the season to be at an end and for a semblance of normalcy to return. Not that I had a bad season, on the contrary, it was okay except for the massive dips in emotion. Unless you experience it, it is difficult to explain that there is beauty and good amongst the ugly and bad. That is what keeps you sane even if only dangling by a thread.

That; however, is not what this is about. This is about the positive aspects that come out of living through the darkness. It is the tidbits of joy that you find that help you to focus and hold on. It is experiencing truly beautiful moments with family that you cling to and file away for another time to relive over and over again. It is time with friends that you hold dear to your heart and that you toast with a bit of Christmas cheer. It is the laughter of children as they revel in delight with what the season has to offer. These moments, sometimes a mere glimpse, are what you need to make each day a bit brighter through the harshness of depression and waning emotion.

Perseverance is crucial. Your very foundation can be rocked without it and without the assistance of those you love and surround yourself with each day. I am eternally blessed with loving, beautiful people who try to help me when despair takes over and I start drowning in a sea of emotion. My amazing husband is learning tactics to help me when I am overwrought. My equally amazing mother has been trying to coach him as to how to best handle the situation and help me wade through my depression. Without them both I would be lost. I would cave in and be curled up in a ball in a dark place.

Through the bad I saw the good. For that I am grateful and I give thanks.

Back to normal programming

I did not mean to take a blogging hiatus. Life has an annoying habit of getting in the way of things you mean to do. There has been an onslaught of things to do personally. The German and I have been preparing for the arrival of the Bubbie on Wednesday, November 28th. He is coming in for a children’s Christmas party that the German’s company throws annually. He goes back home to Jersey on Sunday, December 2nd.

The downside is that the German has to be out of town the Thursday and Friday that the Bubbie is here. I am pissed. Mind you, not at the German. It is not his fault. He told people a while back that his son was going to be here and that he could not travel during that time. We get the Bubbie infrequently. We have only seen him 16 days this entire year. And now that we get him for just four precious days, my German has to go out of town on business. Bubbie lands the evening of the 28th. The German has to depart either before Bubbie arrives or around 4a on Thursday. It slices his time with his son in half and I am livid.

Don’t get me wrong, I know this is not anyone’s fault. Business is business and something came up. I know that is out of everyone’s control. It just makes my heart ache for my husband and his son.

I love my step son with my whole heart. My parents adore him as he is the only grandchild they will ever know. The Bubbie even calls them Memere and Pepere which is the Cajun names for grandparents. He loves spending time with them and is spoiled completely rotten by them and my 86 year old Nana who lives with them. Who would not want that kind of attention? Of course my parents are utterly exhausted each day they watch him while I work (I wiped out my vacation in March going to Hamburg to meet my German’s parents).

Basically I needed to vent. I wanted to go visit my other friends in bloggyland as well after my two week stint of being offline. There will be more later on the visit as it is always a good time when the Bubbie comes to visit… Unless of course you are my cat... She remembers the previous visit.

I am okay with this....

Back in August I made a move to reach out to an old friend. After a phone call there was a reunion of sorts. We were chatting away on the phone as though years had not gone by when we decided I should stop over for a face-to-face meeting so we could truly catch up, share photographs, etc.

Whatever the reason, I decided I did not want her to know where I lived just yet… Frankly I do know the reason but have chosen not to share it here but that is a different story for another time. So I went to her place. I was that jittery, nervous, anxious, almost nauseated sort of scared. Nevertheless, I knocked on her door.

There were hugs, a few tears and a few beers. There was an opportunity to see how much her children have grown and how beautiful they are. There were photos of my family and the German whom she has never met. There was the sad tale of how she lost both her grandmother and mother way too soon and less than six months apart. There was the discussion of what I go through with my own mother and her battle with cancer.

All in all I thought everything was going swimmingly. I was still a bit hesitant to reveal too much to let go after such a long time. However, it was amazing how very easily we slipped back into the old routine and it was like a comfortable shoe. This happened last month.

In the time since then I have seen a couple more mutual friends. Funny how that works in that I have not seen these folks in ages and now here they all are... When I told them (on separate occasions and they do not keep in touch with one another) we had reconnected I was sternly warned to stay away. One even said "she's poison". I listened to their tales, not dissimilar from my own of the way the friendship ended with them. I was amazed that the woman I knew for all these years had come to this.

I am heeding their advice and not reaching out again. I will return calls if they are made but some things are better left alone. I have no regrets for making a call and having the brief reunion. Maybe that is what I needed to find closure. It is all good….

Depression - part deux

The beast has reared its ugly head once again… The depression is back and in full bloom. I can not seem to shake it and that makes it even worse.

There was no trigger… The German and I are doing well, Mama is still doing well from her cancer, Daddy is recuperating nicely from his surgery, job is good, no money worries… Grrrr, usually I can pinpoint something that got me going. This time, nada, zip, nothing. Not even a clue as to what the underlying issue may be (if there even is one).

It gets to be overwhelming. The depression can suffocate the good happening around me and snuff out the light. I do okay at work because I do not have time to deal with it while I am there. But once I get in the car to leave – BAM! Now I have time for the pain, damn it. The difficulty lies in that most of my time away from the office is spent in a daze. I have my good moments, moments I relish and am thankful for; however, the bad seems to overshadow the good more and more these past weeks.

Although there is such a pre-conceived notion about depression being a mental illness, I know better. I know what is wrong with me is a chemical imbalance in my brain, a physical ailment instead. So I have made an executive decision regarding this. One that I hope will be for the good. I am going back on my meds. I am doing so out of necessity because I do not like being this way nor is it fair to those that I love to have to deal with me in this condition. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to follow up on my holter monitor and am going to ask for a prescription tomorrow. Hopefully a happier Klinde will come as a result.

I tend to experience side effects on meds. Night sweats (which are particularly joyful now that I am pre-menopausal), lucid dreams (think Salvador Dali paintings) and sleeplessness… I have weighed the options and decided that I will just have to live through that part because what I am currently dealing with is too much for my curly head to wrap around itself.

I will keep you posted.

PS: Auntie D, if you read this, I did not call because it’s been hard on me to admit I need to get back on the meds. Sorry! Love you!

Baby steps

I made a move today. Something that took some courage on my behalf. I called my best friend from high school, the matron of honor at my first wedding, someone I have not spoken to since November 1999 for reasons I will not disclose.

There was a disagreement (to say the very least). There were hurt feelings on both sides. There was yelling. A lot of yelling. There was death (her mom) and disease (my mom). I thought of her at times and wondered "what if".

Sometimes friendships made at the tender age of 13 carry on through out a life time. Other times they fizzle out. In my case, there was a flame... Bigger then than the fire that burned out from my divorce.

There was pain. There was tears. A hell of a lot of tears.

I saw a mutual friend Saturday. I proffered my number with a request for a call. I got the call today. I was not available. I texted. I got an answer. I have a knot in my stomach. Probably not a good thing for the raging blood pressure of late (although today was significantly lower than yesterday but still outrageous).

Am I being nostalgic? Or am I genuinely reaching out to make amends?

I do not expect the friendship of the past. Sometimes even true friendships fizzle. You outgrow one another or move on or are on different levels. However, you sometimes hold on to things just simply because of longevity and history. I do not consider that a friendship any longer. Just a weak attempt to either hold on to the past or out of a sense of obligation.

But I reached out nonetheless. She does not even know my last name now. That seems odd to me.

We have lived within 3 miles of one another since the day the music died. I have only seen her twice. Once while walking and the other time at a local store. Neither of us acknowledged the other.

I do not know what this means. I do not know why I felt this overwhelming feeling to reach out. I just know I did.

I am going to suggest a cocktail to "catch up". No idea what will happen. I'll keep you posted.

Bad dreams

I had a nightmare. You know how it goes... Wakes you up breathless with your heart pounding...

I dreamed Mama survived cancer only to die in a car wreck. I even vividly remember hearing about it on the radio on my way to work... Wreck at Broadway, fatality involved... Missed call on my cell from Daddy... I was in too much traffic on 440 to answer. Got to work and realized I missed another call... Still too busy to call back.

She's good, thank goodness. And whether you believe it or not, there has been occasions my nightmares come true. I know she is not headed down that route soon. Of. The. Good.

Center Piece of your family

Reason number 1,107,727 why I love the German...

A little over three years ago, my parents called me, their only child, regarding an important issue... They wanted to move Nana here from San Antonio. She was about to turn 84.

This was way before the cancer diagnosis, and Mama gave her two options. Move here before Christmas 2004 or after Easter 2005. Pick one. She chose the latter.

I had no problem saying move her here. It was understood that Nana would live her final years with Mama and Daddy. Completely unspoken. Trust me, I lived close enough to her most of my life to know the drill.

Of course I had no issue. I know she is is aging. I know that encompasses change. I know that she has survived two husbands. I know she is a strong, proud woman. The youngest of a group of sisters. She grew up poor. She raised five children. She has eight grandchildren. She does crossword puzzles in black ink. She had a rotary dial phone. She plays a mean game of canasta. She rocks.

She turned 86 today. She was a widow for the first time at 42. I will be 42 next year and that fact scares the shit out of me. She was widowed again shortly before her 80th birthday.

She is a strong woman. She is a beautiful woman. Did I mention she still does crossword puzzles in ink?

So anyway, when Mama and Daddy had the family meeting (yes, we really do have family meetings) to let me know they wanted to move her here (we are still a family democracy so my vote counts) I said yes. They asked me what the German thought. Honestly, his opinion never crossed my mind. Sorry, this was about my Nana. I grew up with her, he didn't. It may be wrong, but it's the truth. We (Mama, Daddy and I) made a decision, wasn't that all that mattered? Mama in her ever politically correct way told me the German now had a vote. We lived together then, not yet engaged. I was planning a future with him. It mattered. His answer? The title of the blog. He told me that if Mama. Daddy and I were run over by a truck, his job was her. To take her back to her biological family unless she wanted him to be the care taker.... The answer is, she loves him, but no. Get her to Texas.

So in a REALLY roundabout way, happy 86th birthday. You are the oldest person the Bubbie knows. You are the cornerstone of the "M" family. You are still a card shark. You still have the same laugh. You are still the same woman who could not get out of the wheelchair since Mama threatened you (insert "M" family joke). You still made me eat lemon egg (Jentina, I am looking at you).

You are the cornerstone of our family.

What does it take to make it to 43 years?

Let me start with apologies to my parents for not posting this on their actual anniversary of July 20th. I have been under the weather and blogging was not a priority like trying to feel good enough to go to work.

Well 43 years ago this past Friday, my parents ran off from San Antonio, Texas to Seguin, Texas to elope in front a justice of the peace. They have been married to one another since they were 25 and 20 years of age. I can not imagine being with the man I was with at either 20 nor 25 and sustaining it at the level they have accomplished.

Of course there has been ups and downs. I do not know any married couple who has not had those regardless of how wonderful everything is. People grow and change and not always at the same rate or in the same direction. Marriage, hell, ANY relationship takes work. It takes time, nurturing, patience, understanding, a give and take... Of course most people think a relationship is 50-50; however, there are going to be times when it is 70-30 or even 90-10 and you need to learn to roll with it in order to sustain and grow with it.

My parents have learned that. To say they have mastered it is an understatement. Their relationship has had it's hardships as have everyone else. Growing up, my father was in law enforcement and frequently worked odd shifts or "on call" and such. There were times when friends thought I was from a single parent family due to my father's work requirements. It was not the case; however, it did thrust me into a different relationship with my mother because of our time alone. That is a situation I have worked on remedying as I have grown older. But this is not about me, sorry, I digress...

I have asked questions regarding the longevity of their marriage. Mama has always told me that she knew Daddy would take care of her for the rest of her life. Even before her diagnosis with cancer he has kept that promise. He takes care of so many things for their household (which also includes Nana, Mama's 85 year old mother). Mama enjoys sleeping in and jokes constantly that he "does more before I get up than I do all day". They do have their different household obligations; however, Daddy has had to step up in a few more categories since Mama has been ill.

They take time for one another. Sometimes in small batches. It's hard for them at times since they have Nana and do not want her to feel excluded. I should do more to pick up the slack and give them time apart. I do not do nearly enough in that avenue. Writing this I realize there is so much more I should do to allow them time together, time they have earned, time they deserve just for one another.

At the heart of this, I have learned through observation that which seems to be their biggest secrets to a successful marriage.... Understanding, patience, communication, time together... Sounds easy in theory; however, so many marriages seem to falter. Thankfully theirs is not one of them.

So to my parents, happy belated 43rd anniversary. Thank you for being a role model not only to me but to others by your example of not just what a couple should be, but also what you both give to others as individuals. If God would have asked me to select who I wanted as parents, I could not have done a more amazing job. I am fortunate, blessed beyond measure for having you in my life. I love you both.

You've got the rhythm, I've got the blues

There are days when I suffer almost uncontrollable depression. It does not usuallly pounce on me but instead tiptoes in and then infiltrates my entire being. Today is one of those days that it crept in gradually and latched on tight. There is not just a specific, on the contrary, today many deep, dark thoughts have been swirling around and consuming me. Generally when this occurs I turn to prayer, talk to trusted people in my circle or journal. Today I have chosen the latter.

You may ask what has triggered me today? Well gentle reader the list is long and I am in one of those gut-splling modes today. I am of the mind that if I recite the litany maybe I can crawl out of the hole I find myself in today.

Part one has been a build up. In mid May I had a falling out with someone I mistakenly thought was a good friend. She is very outspoken and has a tendency to be vindictive. I was so hurt by her actions that I have only been able to speak to her once since that time. I told her that I was hurt but she seemed to dismiss that and assumed things were status quo. I have been unable to speak to her since because I am frightened that all the pent up hurt I have will be unleashed and I will say something I will deeply regret. The bigger problem is that our husbands work together so I will have to see her at some point. I have to find someway to resolve this within myself so I can find peace. Maybe then I can deal with what happens the next time I see her face to face.

Part two is my nervous, anxious feeling about having the Bubbie here for two weeks. The Bubbie does not make me nervous; however, having him here when both the German and I have to work does. I am a step mom as I am unable to have children by strict instructions of my doctor. Inherting a child when he is four is difficult when you only gets him in small doses. I have had excellent counsel from Heather and am grateful. I am still wiggy because I have never had to worry about getting someone ready in the morning aside from myself. I know there are thousands upon thousands of people who accomplish this feat each and every day. Why am I freaking out it about it? No clue. I guess it is just a change in my morning routine. And not being a morning person makes it even more challenging to face. I am excited he is coming but overwhelmed by the thought of being a full time mom. I know I am a ninny and that is the smallest of my concerns because I know when I see his face I will melt like butter.

Part three is my car is acting ugly. Yep, it's a 15 year old Honda. Nope, I can not afford a new one right now so I have to make due. I am just getting nervous about the large funds (which I do not have) I will have to pay to keep it going another year or two until I can afford a new one. I know my parents would lend it to me but as a 41 year old woman I do not want to go that route unless I exhaust all other avenues.

Part four is Mama. As I have said before she has IIIB lung cancer and I worry about her all the time. Even though all the tests came back clean I still panic as I can not imagine a world without her in it. I pray each day that it will be a good day for her. But I still worry incessantly. At times it permeates my entire being.

All these thoughts are spiraling through my brain and, unfortunately, taking root. I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day. The good thing about a busy day at work is that I have little or no time to dwell on what ails me. It is when I get in the car to come home that I am possessed with the thoughts that rule my emotions.

Sorry to dump so much out there in bloggyland but I needed an avenue to vent and purge the nasties dancing around my head.

Two thumbs up and one thumb down...

Let's start with the good news first...

Mama's MRI of the brain came back clean. Hip, hip, hooray! Thank God for answered prayers. Her next series of tests is in September and everything looks good in that category.

Now the (not-so-bad) news... In the 10 minutes it takes me to water the flowers I got seven (count 'em, campers) SEVEN mosquito bites! I swear they see me and one of 'em hollers out "buffet's open for business" and then the swarm begins. Damn near made me put down my beer and swat at the blood thirsty varmints... Mind you, I said damn near, I did not actually put down a Spaten to kill vermin. I have my priorities.

Now here I sit covered in Benadryl creme hoping for a little relief.

Carry on.

Madre, Mere, Mutter

They all equal out to one thing... Mother... We all have one regardless of our circumstances. Our individual relationships with them vary far and wide. I am blessed to have a fabulous one that I often refer to as the Munchkin due to her being all of 4'10"ish. I add the "ish" because she's lost about an inch in her 60 odd years on earth and she has always said that every fraction of an inch counts when you are under 5'.

We are over our misunderstanding of a few days back. I never made the phone call to her; however, she, Daddy and the Nana came over for lunch yesterday... Burgers the size of my head to be exact. Following my usual M.O., I digress.

We had good conversations, my mother and I. I am way over being upset and need to get skin just a few notches thicker. I am trying to enjoy the times I spend with the people I love and care about. After all that is what makes life worthwhile to me. I need to constantly remind myself of that little tidbit. Maybe I will put up post-it notes that will give me the "gentle reminder" I so often need when I am having a blue moment. Or maybe I should just tattoo it to my forehead. Not.

Anywho, the test results are back... Finally... News is of the good. No visible signs of cancer... The fluid surrounding her heart is nothing to be worried about and simply is a side effect of the radiation. The other problems are being addressed in the ways the docs see will suit her best. Everything will be monitored accordingly.

She did do one thing of which I was quite proud... She asserted herself with the oncologist by letting it be known she wants a brain scan. Seems lung cancer all too often metastasizes to the brain. Dr. Sandler does not think this has happened to her; however, he supports her being proactive and the MRI will be on Sunday, July 1st.

Things are looking good, no, better, than expected. If you or a loved one is ever put in the situation that Mama is in, I highly recommend Vanderbilt Ingram Cancer Center. I am a researching fool and it was good to find a facility accredited by the the National Cancer Institute. I will tell you up front that I pray that you and yours are never in need because this is not of the good.

Lessons learned? Follow God's commandment to Honor your Mother and Father. You will be blessed all the more for having done so.

New Friends, Old Tricks...

After alll he has been through, Hutchmo taught me a valuable lesson tonight. In his comments he told me "The word family should be synomous with forgiveness..."

I cried... Joyous tears.... I will call tomorrow...

There must be some misunderstanding...

Sometimes I am hypersensitive, after all, I am who I am. Today was one of those days. This morning I was on the phone with Mama and she kept picking on me (as we are prone to do to one another). All in jest of course and, as usual, I picked back... She said something that I would normally laugh off and I got all teary eyed. Then I got all prickly and upset. What she said is unimportant. What she prefaced it with is. That is what set the tone in my crazy little brain. I blame the curls....

As I have said before, she has IIIB lung cancer (and is a non-smoker for all you who are wondering). As I have also said before we are awaiting test results on Monday (please say a prayer or send positive vibes if prayer is not your thing.) I tend to wear my heart on my sleeves regarding the subject. Well she told me to get over something she said because she's "not going to be here much longer". Now the docs have not said anything of the sort but it just set me off emotionally. I did something I rarely do. I told her "I have to go now, good-bye" and hung up on my mother. God forgive me for being so disrespectful, but I did.

She emailed me later to let me know she was sorry she hurt my feelings and now I feel guilty as hell. I have not called her back yet because I still feel like a shit. I know I should get over it and just smile and dial; however, everytime I get ready to punch in the number on the phone I get all weepy.

Mama, if you read this, I am sorry for being overly sensitive. I know better that you were not trying to hurt me and that you were kidding with me as you always do. You are the bigger person for making the first move and I will kick myself in the ass tomorrow for not calling you tonight.